I come to this board because the issue is Divorcing/Divorced. However, I think that this forum should actually be labeled: BS because what I've found here is a group of betrayed spouses all taking pity on one another.

I admit, I was the WW...but not in the wayward sense but rather in the withdrawn sense due to my love bank being depleted. I read Dr. Harley's book back in the mid 90's and tried to make things work...they never did. So, we separated and ultimately divorced.

Yes, it's true I got involved with someone during our separation (God forbid) and am actually happy now in my current situation and engaged to be married. My children are happy and well adjusted, my ex has moved on and is happy dating a very nice gal that I hope will morph into something serious. We, (the ex and I) get along in a nice superficial way, much like our marriage and I'm ok with that now.

I'm disappointed with this board. I come here to learn, to get support when I need it and to find answers to questions that I have. I do have financial issues with the ex and I always hope someone out there can shed some light on what's right. I'm also looking for advice about how to make my children's transition to my upcoming marriage easier. (my fiancé and I do NOT live together)

Instead, I may as well be posting to an empty board as no one EVER responds to anything I say, or I'm admonished for speaking my opinion on any given subject. There was even a time when a couple of posters talked right about me as if I wasn't even here.

Bottom line: If you were the instigator of the divorce you are considered a bottom feeder.

I guess this isn't the right place for me. I'm disappointed with the moderator who allows this forum to be a place to lick wounds. There are two sides to the coin people. Why will no one take even a grain of responsibility for the demise of their marriage? Yes, this one cheated on this one and that on cheated on that one, but according to Dr. Harley, there is a reason for that! Why is it suddenly so convenient to forget those points?

Thank you for letting me speak my mind. No sense in even responding, because I doubt very much I'll be back. Maybe there is something more suitable for me out there.
Good luck to everyone.

This is the only post I've read of yours, so I'm not brushed up on giving an opinion on how you've been treated here.

Hang around awhile. You may change your mind. I've seen it happen before.

We all need to learn.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do have financial issues with the ex and I always hope someone out there can shed some light on what's right. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DIVORCED board is the right place, what is the question? other than the legal aspect, which this is NOT the right place.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I'm also looking for advice about how to make my children's transition to my upcoming marriage easier. (my fiancé and I do NOT live together)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Emotional Needs board bight be better, because you are addressing the EN of your children. This board would NOT be the right place for you.

And in general, the web site is for Husband & Wife issues, so although you have used the Harley advice before, in general, you are not looking in the right place. . . .

Finally, what was the purpose of stopping in?

1) You characterize the board as BS pity party, but want REMarriage or Legal advice? sort of oxymoronic
2) You told us how well you were doing. You told us you are disappointed in the rest of us. . .
what is your goal here? to make yourself feel better, to put down or admonish those that haven't moved on as well, or those that are stuck??
3) you want sympathy because no one ever responded to YOU? do you expect certain behavior out of everyone even though responses will be pretty random from all types of posters? isn't that a bit unrealistic? this is a cyber chat board??
4) now that you have rebuilt your life, are you coming back here to throw in some last digs at everyone that you felt disappppointed with whom didn't respond to you as you HAD EXPECTED?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why will no one take even a grain of responsibility for the demise of their marriage? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">such a generalization as that means that you are just coming here to put in goodbye feel good digs instead of helping out anyone else. . . with what you have learned. . . its pretty easy to tell the difference between someone that has a bit of a vindictive streak, and someone that wants to help other people in return. . .

i hope you find what you are looking for.
good luck

wiftty

NewDawnComing,
I know that every forum has its share of conflicting opinions and cliques, and this one is certainly no exception. But I'm a little confused by what (or if) you are specifically asking for in this post. And to be honest, you've been a MB for a year and have posted 17 times, which may not be enough times to gain feedback from others and make an impartial judgment.

How many posts have you initiated? According to search records, not that many, if at all. Please don't lump everyone in D/D as whiny betrayed spouses. While I'm a BS, I tend to stay away from those posting here who seem to crave the attention that their "pity parties" allow. I think there is plenty of room in this forum for you and many others who find themselves in the variety of situations that D/D can create . Don't give up so easily (if that's what you're doing). Maybe it's not, just couldn't tell from your post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 09:35 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Even dogs lick their wounds so they will... HEAL.
Thank you.
Harold
Nobody here is blaming their ex for their Divorce, we all know it takes 2 to tango.
Sure, I'm divorced... 5 years ago. It was BOTH our faults that we AGREED to not continue Marriage Counseling and seek Divorce.
I'm sure nearly everyone else here will agree with this - it DOES take two to either build up or destroy a Marriage.
JMHO.

I do accept responsibility for my part in the demise of my marriage, but I thought the main purpose of this board was to support each other and help the person going through a divorce (BS or WS) get through the emotional trama that occurs during this time. Am I wrong?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I come to this board because the issue is Divorcing/Divorced. However, I think that this forum should actually be labeled: BS because what I've found here is a group of betrayed spouses all taking pity on one another. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are there people who come here looking for pity? Yes, I'm sure there are. Do they deserve our pity? Yes, sometimes they do, and sometimes they don't. I have read many replies that were not what the original poster probably wanted to hear, so I do not see this forum as just being a bunch of BS taking pity on one another.

Everyone needs someone to listen to them and sympathize with what they are going through. I think the point that you don't seem to be getting is that for the most part everyone who comes here and posts is asking for help. I believe that is what everyone here tries to give them.

Is the advice always right? No,not always. But it is up to us as individuals to try and have an open mind and to see things from different points of view so that we may make the best possible decisions for ourselves.

I think that maybe you too are looking for help, and it's here if you will only see it.

If I said anything that was not correct here then by all means speak up and tell me. I can take the criticism or the pity! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ August 23, 2003, 11:39 AM: Message edited by: One_Day_At_A_Time ]</small>

New Dawn
Why would you think that we are not taking our share of the blame about our unsuccessful marriages. I'm sure as you know fault is never one sided but percentages vary. Had we been saints maybe our marriages would have lasted but we are ALL made of flesh and blood and cannot be saints and our wounds do need to be licked and cared for. That is why we come here. This is not a legal advice board (there are plenty of those on the net) and we are not lawyers. Actually the thing I hated MOST about my divorce was the lawyers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I'm admonished for speaking my opinion on any given subject."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Give me a break <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Talk about hypocrisy for you certainly weren't shy about admonishing me for giving my opinion, were you?

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 02:04 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

I may as well be posting to an empty board as no one EVER responds to anything I say,
???
You received a direct answer to all two questions in which you were seeking a response and those questions had nothing to do with your particular situation.

If you have a question and it has not been asked by someone else, you need to ask it.

If you prefer to lurk and just read others posts, that's fine.
But one cannot berate the forum because they did not answer a question which was not asked.

I doubt very much I'll be back.
That is certainly your perogative. However, if you do choose to stick around, ask a question. Not everyone gets a response they may like (and yes, sometimes they may not even get any repsonse.)
Sometimes, it's slow here and other times no one knows how to respond.

I'm disappointed with this board. I come here to learn, to get support when I need it and to find answers to questions that I have. I do have financial issues with the ex and I always hope someone out there can shed some light on what's right. I'm also looking for advice about how to make my children's transition to my upcoming marriage easier. (my fiancé and I do NOT live together)
If you are looking for answers to these issues, then you have to ASK a question first!

You stated, "If you were an instigator of a divorce then you are a bottom feeder" and you said that is the bottom line here! Wow.

Could be your choice of words that gets you into trouble and perhaps how you knee-jerk your responses. Do you do that?

To instigate has you in a poor light as the connotation implies that you as an instigator-which means goader, provoker, revolter...These are fightin' words. Not marriage building words. And if you do need a divorce, as you very well may, you could tone your anger down at the forum cause we don't know you and each of us is different. Not a clump of people or a machine. We lose perspective sometimes due to anger and resentments and then to bring that all here, well how can you get clear on things then?

Wishing you well. And hope you can read up on something that will assist your frame of things.