MRS JONES

A small-town prosecutor called his first witness to the stand: a grandmotherly, elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you will never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, racist, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench.

In a very quiet voice, he threatened, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

JACK & JILL

Jack was engaged to be married to Jill. The day before the wedding, his father sat him down for a little chat.

"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here try these on.' So she did and then told me, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So I told her, 'Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

Jack thinks that might be a good thing to try out. So on his wedding night, Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here, try these on."

She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."

Following the script, Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

In response, Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."

He does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

She replies, "Exactly. And if you don't change your smart-@$$ attitude, you never will."

<small>[ August 25, 2003, 03:13 PM: Message edited by: LostHusband ]</small>

My friend is a teacher and told his high school class jokes occasionally. They would want to tell them too so he said they needed to keep it clean. This girl started out with Monica Lewinski and he stopped her and said no, that can't be clean! She swore it was, and seemed to believe it (I don't think she got the joke) so he finally said ok.
She said:
Monica Lewinsky went to the doctor and told him she wanted to get rid of her love handles. So he cut her ears off.

The whole class exploded with laughter while she looked innocently, not knowing apparently that that was a dirty joke!?!? My friend tried to keep a straight face and told her it was not appropriate to tell in class.

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Dear God," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off
to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

(Are women great or what!)

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR

It was spring in the Old West. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot! I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "Okay, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunkhouse. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the mare!"

IDIOT SIGHTING #1

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"

2 which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

She smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."

IDIOTS AT WORK:

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary 2 compare the signa2re I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signa2re 2 the one I had just signed on the receipt.

As luck would have it, they matched.

-2long

In the 60's people 2k acid 2 make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac 2 make it normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box 2 start a campfire?

-2long

<small>[ August 27, 2003, 08:19 PM: Message edited by: 2long ]</small>

Heheheheeeeee g00d JokeZ!
Here's mine:
NEW WORDS FOR 2003
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. Anna Nicole and the O.J. trials were a prime example.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOF'S: Well-Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.
----------------
LOL, Harold

Subject: The Fireman
A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, "You
>know,
we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
> BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
"From now on when I say BELL 1, you get naked.
When I say BELL 2, you jump in bed. And when I say BELL 3,
we are going to make love all night."
The next night he came home from work and yelled
"BELL 1"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
> When he yelled "BELL 2,"
the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3,"
they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4"
"What the hell is BELL 4?"
asked the husband?
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,"
she replied,
"YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!

Q: What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
A: You either get an onion with long ears or a piece of @$$ that will make you cry.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Did I just say that?

These are great - keep 'em coming.... I need to laugh so I don't cry.....

Yesterday scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

1. Gained weight
2. Talked excessively without making sense
3. Became overly emotional
4. Couldn't drive
5. Failed to think rationally
6. Argued over nothing
7. Had to sit down while urinating
8. And refused to apologize when obviously wrong

No further testing was considered necessary.

Little Johnny Gives To The Sick


Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass, when he suddenly felt nauseous.
"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

So Little Johnny hauled butt for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't even have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it that read 'For The Sick'."

Jester, we need you for a game of Twister!

A man took his wife to the Rodeo and one of the exhibits is that of
breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign
that
said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband
in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that
said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and
said,
"That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying,
"This
bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and
said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with
the same cow."

The husband's condition has been reduced from critical to stable and
he
should make a full recovery.

<small>[ September 19, 2003, 04:33 PM: Message edited by: Gibby1 ]</small>