Hi Toomuch Coffee
First of all congrats on the great name. I lived on coffee during the divorce, 2 pots a day! I came across this while reading about the lady who is upset about this forum. Although most are good I have a few comments on some of these items.

2. No frequent phone calls.
Depending on the need, I think this may be good if you can discuss real issues (children, finances, house...etc) and not old resentments.

8. Do not buy gifts.
Why not. I think women would appreciate some kindness now and then.

11. Do not say "I Love You".
If you love your wife then you should say it. My ex would never share how he felt with me and this did not help.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
This caused big time resentment on my part when my ex acted as if he was moving on when I clearly was still struggling with issues pertaining to our marriage. I felt he didn't care and became more determined to divorce him.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
Again bad idea, women need to talk things out and ignoring this need implies that you don't care

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
My ex did this beautifully and this caused tremendous resentment on my part and made things worse.

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
This is a great one since most men do not know how to listen to women at all.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.
Another great one. I know I needed support from my ex during our divorce but he was unable to give this to me. He just reacted to what I said or did without realizing how scared and hurt I was.

Hi Rubi1, I am so sorry to hear about your divorce for even though there are many marriages that are beyond saving, it still nonetheless painful when a marriage ends. As a veteran of the divorce wars, I will tell you that there is definitely life, and sometimes a better one, after a divorce.

Now as far as the 180 degree list goes, the recommendations on the list are to be followed only AFTER the application of their opposite has failed to convince the spouse wanting the divorce to give the marriage another chance, hence the name 180 degrees. In other words, if you did the opposite of all those things on the 180 degree list and your spouse is more deadset than ever on divorce, then doing the 180 degrees is recommended as a last resort. Will it work on all situations? of course not, but for many it has indeed.

Good luck and God bless.

When my X wanted out and started her affair, I started to lavish attention on her and try to "make up" for what I thought had been some failures on my part in keeping the romance spark lit.

What it did was feed the beast. It was a losing battle, as there was a constant going back and forth and it only made me more confused and hurt.

I think that the 180 that TMCM proposes is what is called for. My opinion is that people need to learn from there actions and that nobody deserves to be treated like a doormat. The 180 is a maneuver that is typically conducted by the BS in order to avoid futher pain caused by constant giving to the WS with no response or acknowledgement.

Sure, the WS needs much understanding and patience, but they should not expect to receive it from the BS if the BS has been trampled on for so long.

JMHO