I've been dealing with my VAH and sometimes PAH for a couple years now. We've been together for almost 13 years (since I was 16). We had a great relationship before that but over the last couple years he (and I'm sure I have to) changed. He's slipped into a depression, threatened suicide and just basically made the families life miserable. 3 1/2 weeks ago I filed a restraining order, had it extended and consulted an attorney. I was fully commited to filing for divorce til this past weekend when he came to me and for the FIRST time admitted that he has a problem and is very upset that he's "f***ed the last 13 years away because of what he's done" (his words). To me this is a HUGE step for HIM. He wants me to hold off on filing to see where this can go. Now, am I just being naive to think that he can get himself help. I realize there isn't anything I can do for him, nor do I want to sit around waiting for him to get better. Or am I being unfair to just want to get out of the hell and totally ignore the fact that he for once has acknowledged his problems and might snap out of his "funk"? I have two children 6 and 8, I can't put them through the torment of this again, but I don't want to deprive them of a family if there is any chance of recovery.....Does anyone have any experience with dealing with this? I'm afraid that this may just be a "tactic" of his now that he knows that I'm serious about divorcing. Please any advice is would be appreciated!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Skygal,

Are you seperated? If not, maybe try that before you file for divorce..and allow him time to work on his issues if he's really serious about it..

And during that time...get yourself into counseling too, so you can work on you--

Watch his actions..and see if he is following through--

Is he in counseling? And it's okay not to trust completely until YOU SEE PROOF of change..

TR has it right...work on YOU. Get all your ducks in a row and file for a legal separation. You have reason to have an OR...don't back down from it. There was a person in here (forgive me for not remembering) who recommended a book called "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft. It answered a lot of the questions I still had after divorce. Wish the man wrote it during the *separation* time I was in.

The other thing that helped HUGELY was going to DivorceCare. It did talk about separation and also reconciliation if both parties were willing to work on it. Bottom line though is WORK ON YOURSELF. Get yourself a good job, be a good parent, be independent, be healthy and model good values and beliefs to those children of yours. If your husband wants to work on this, it's in his court, but meantime continue on with YOUR life. It doesn't mean you are *waiting* for him, you are working on YOURSELF. This not only benefits you and the kids, but you as a *couple* should it work out that way. Let things fall into place from there. If he is sincere he will make the changes that will be good for not only you and the kids, but for himself. And...if not....you are well on your way to healing from something that has been unhealthy for a long time.

Skygal,

Has he ever admitted a problem when you have threatened to go? This could be a tactic he uses...claiming to change when you are about to throw in the towel. Then when you decide not to go, the behavior regresses.

My recommendation is to stick it out and see the behavior. If it changes, then you need to decide if that is ok. If not, then you need to follow through with leaving because otherwise that threat will never have meaning in the future.

Like the other posters said, work on yourself and make improvements on you. You should try to support any efforts to change, but realize that any failure is not your fault.

Only you know your own situation...so really my advice is only as good as what I know. Only you know when enough is enough.

Take care.