It's been a while since I logged on and am just catching up on what's been happening.<P>I was expecting to see a resolution to your issues but I was surprised to see that you are still in a state of limbo. How can you live like that for so long? You are not being fair to yourself or to your children...or to your husband.<P>Aside from the counselling, where are you at now? Do you want to stay, to leave, or what? I hope you can have this sorted out NOW. You've just be putting yourself on this emotional rollercoaster for far too long.<P>Know that I say all this only because I care for your well-being. Lots of hugs. Take care.

Hi Lonelywife2!! Good to hear from you! Thank you for your caring note!! How are you?<P>I am doing terrible right now~!! <BR>Just when I am at the PEAK of total frustration and anger at H's behaviors, and I thought I am finally ready to leave, and I have stuff packed up to go back to our old house, I find out that our 14 yr old daughter's chronic illness (doctors can't help) has grown worse so that she is unable to attend school and I must homeschool her!!! How can I separate and get a job with this wrench thrown into the mess?!!! Now I fear I'm stuck with H!!!! He's been so unbearable for me lately--I'm just freaking out!!! And the therapist is in a dream world saying there is goodness in both of us and H is just suffering from grief from circumstances of past years! She can't see any abusiveness in him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<BR>I found out she just passed her board exam recently, so my guess is, she isn't as "experienced" with abusers as she claims!!<P>I'm starting to think I should just trust my own mind and heart and get out of here and not trust this current therapist's idea that she can fix this. She e-mailed and wants me to call her today. I'm sitting here debating if I should. I'm fed up!!!!!!!<BR>I am so furious right now!!! <p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited August 01, 2001).]

I had a phone call with the therapist yesterday because we were unable to schedule couples counseling on late notice.<BR>She finally admitted that from all I've told her of my situation, this is "off the charts" (very severely dysfunctional)and that after we leave couples therapy, they are exhausted (can't get H to wake up to how abnormal things are). <P>Last night H verbally dug into me in front of our daughter, reprimanding me for how bad I am, getting her to side with him, and telling me that my unwilllingness to continue couples counseling is childish and that "you're going to go every week from now on and that's it!!" I tried to leave the house, saying I had to run to the store to get milk,<BR>and he and the daughter blocked the door. <P>Before we ended the phone call, I told the therapist I need to get out ASAP. She said to call her Friday. I said I need out by this weekend.<P>I woke this morning with insufficient sleep, nervous, devastated from H's behaviors. Must end this whole mess. I will. There is no other choice, especially with our daughter needing to school at home, I can't have his harrassment anymore and him confusing her mind and emotions too; we need peace. Time for legal help.<P><BR>

Hello Renae,<P>So glad to hear from you. But I am sorry that you are still struggling with this abuse. It is truly unfortunate that your daughter is ill at this time. Is she undergoing any treatment. Do you expect her to get any better soon?<P>It doesn't look like counselling has been helping at all. Maybe it's time to look for the answer within rather than hoping that someone else will tell you what to do.<P>I guess when the time is right, you will decide what is best for you and your daughters.<P>Hope you find peace and happiness soon Renae. Take care. Lots of hugs.

Lonelywife, you are so kind! Thank you!<P>Can you update if things have improved or not improved in your situation? <P>Things are being pushed to DECISION here in ways I hadn't expected, and the pressure is on in a big way. I have a phone appointment with the therapist for this afternoon to sort out new developments that happened yesterday. <P>The doctor has new tests to do for our D but he believes her emotional condition is conflicting with her body's ability to physically heal and urged us to get her to a psychologist!!! I thought this would hit H between the eyes and wake him up, but what does he say to me this morning? See!!...it's all in her head!! (I think he meant she's imagining things & not sick at all, but the doctor didn't mean that!!! H is so religiously anti-psychology, that I'm afraid he won't let her get help for depression.<P>H refuses to solve so many things in our home & life!!! Every school arrangement I try for our D conflicts with H's beliefs, etc....and I'm really in a bind!! I think its all exploding now and I need to get the kids and I out or kick H out somehow! <BR>

Get the child the help she needs. If there's insurance, take her and submit the claim. You and H can fight over it in front of the therapists.<P>I have no doubt but that her stress could be impeding her body's ability to heal. I know that I have a physical reaction to stress. Furthermore, I now think that reaction is a body memory of an earlier situation which was traumatic both physically and emotionally.<P>I'm sorry to say this but, as a Christian woman who fought incredibly hard when her husband wanted a divorce and who struggled very hard with the whole issue, I do not see why you are still there. In my opinion,<B>You AND YOUR HUSBAND are MAXIMIZING the DAMAGE DONE TO YOUR CHILDREN. </B>And you are doing it in the name of God? <P>Excuse me, but when is enough enough?

Bleubelle, it's all my fault not getting out. I need to stop the powerlessness and confused thoughts and see God's hand reaching out for mine and to walk me & the kids thru this to a new life. I'm afraid, insecure, grieving...<BR>stunned that H has not responded to therapy when he works so hard on everything else in his life.

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If husband is so determined to be so "ultra-right", what does he think of the scripture admonishing fathers not to provoke their children to wrath. I know your daughter's condition might not be wrath-enhanced but I would think her psychological condition might qualify. <P>Remember all those interpreters, translator, and scribes were not inspired. But the source was/is.

Right-on again, Bleubelle.<P>Would you all pray for us tonight, please!!!<BR>Therapist called yesterday...she's on track. She also said H has had his time, and tonight they want me to speak up about how he's been and the fact that I can't take anymore and won't take anymore. I'm in utter desperation right now after more of his behavior!! He must leave the house for a separation of several months to a year for individual recovery work, AT LEAST!!!....<BR>(and if he won't leave voluntarily then we'll take legal action). I am FLAT OUT DONE!!!!! HE MUST GO!!!!<P>*sigh of exhaustion*.....<P>

Please keep us posted. I hope you know that there are people here who care that you are safe and who hope that you and your children will soon be in a home filled with peace, love, and safety.

Hello Renae,<P>So sad to hear that you are still suffering. All of this is bound to have negative and far-reaching emotional effects on your daughters.<P>You have tried everything...Do you really believe there is any hope left in saving this marriage? I also believed that marriage is for a lifetime but sometimes, circumstances are beyond your control. You can't change your husband. He will only change if he realizes that he needs to change.<P>You are not responsible for his behaviour or for trying to change him. I don't mean to preach but I don't want to see you trapped like this.<P>I hope you are able to make a decision soon. And once you do, stick with it. Very easy to say huh?<P>Renae, know that we are here to help you. Take care.

So much has been happening that I can't write of it all.<BR>Thank you all for your support as I try to get untwisted from this mess!!.... <P>H has been removing parts of the computer so we (kids too) can't use it (old familiar control tactic).<P>After the last therapy session, H told me firmly he's done with counseling (it isn't fixing me) and is going to divorce me. No follow-thru yet. Might have been another threat to gain control, but maybe not. <BR>He's under heavy pressure right now and into the next month with other matters....so divorcing me could be on hold. <P>He's been....unbearable.... tonight, terribly verbally abused (spiritually, emotionally, etc) the kids and I<BR>during family devotions!!! How this will damage their concept of God if I don't get H out of here!!! He's nuts!!!! Got to get him out of here ASAP!

Oh, Renae. <P>Before it gets any later, I recommend that you go ahead and contact an attorney so that you are protected on the front end.

Dearest Renae,<P>I respectfully do not believe you.<P>Have a nice life.

He's talking divorce, seriously this time, not just a threat to control. He made it clear he will not go ahead with the assessment and individual recovery work that the therapists urged him to do. He says it is all evil psychology, not Godly. He prefers his delusion over truth. That's his choice, I guess, and I cannot live with it.<P>I'll get the legal advice I need.<P>I'm doing ok but very lonely. Life can only get better!<P>Thanks again for all your support!!!! <P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited September 05, 2001).]

H says the current way people are divorcing is deciding fairly how to split things, etc. between ourselves, then have a discount lawyer who is unbiased for either spouse, get the divorce granted. I don't trust this. <P>H says after the divorce we can share the kids cooperatively and be friends!!!! <BR>Sorry, I don't buy it. I will choose better friends and Plan B him until he grows up. <P>Right? Advice?<P>I heard June Hunt the other night on radio speak about manipulators. Are they just a bit more deceitful and subtle than the typical Controller/abuser? Well, I hope I'm smarter from now on to avoid all of these types!! <P><p>[This message has been edited by Renae (edited September 05, 2001).]

Don't bother with Plan B unless you really do want him back. <P>If you are resigned to divorce and conduct yourself with power and self respect during the entire process, hiring a very competent and experienced attorney for your own interests, then you will be in a safe place to decide whether you will take him back down the road.<P>Go ahead and see if you can agree on how the property will be divided now and take it to the attorney as a starting place. The real struggles will not be over the division of property and debts, but over support payments and child custody/visitation. <P>Be strong. Be true to yourself and your future, and be true to your daughters after that. Let him know that even if he doesn't respect you or women, YOU DO! And the courts do. <P>If you cave into his proposed process you will continue to be powerless in his face. So don't. You can do this nicely and politely and powerfully. Have faith in yourself, faith in God, and provide him a healthy dose of tough love making him face the consequences of his chosen "political" actions. Abusing and debasing women are political acts according to the feminists!<P>Go for it!<P>Love,<P>Karenna<P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

Renae, listen to Karenna.<P>Don't do it his way. Hire your own attorney. Take in the proposed settlement and get the advise of someone whose job is to protect you from this man.