Hello everyone,

I'm so... sad, angry and hurt. Where do I start here goes...

I was at work on Monday and My SIL called to see how I was doing, I have been calling her a lot lately for she just had surgery. In talking to her I mentioned my stbxh oc and how some day she will be introduced to his family and how I asked stbxh to let me know when this would happen. He promised me that he would wait because he knew how hurt I and the boys would be and he would never do that.

Well, my SIL said I have to tell you something and I could tell she was nervous. She said that she couldn't stand doing this behind my back but the oc has been introduced to the family over 2 months and how she told stbxh that he had to tell me and he said he would. He never did!

I was so upset and cried so hard I almost needed someone to slap me. I went nuts!! First I have been trying to maintain a relationship with his family and just surface talk because I know this is hard for them also. But they all knew how hard this is for me and the boys.

I have gone to family functions when I knew stbxh wasn't going and I love them all very much. Know I find out that all along they have been seeing oc and not saying anything to me. I feel like they slapped me in the face no regard to how this would effect my family. My boys had a fit and said they saw the oc before even they did and obviously they don't care about us.

Stbxh has tried calling them and they won't answer or return his calls. He messed up again! He never told the boys he was doing this and I have never seen them so anger.

When I talked to him I said, " Why would you be so sneaky and he said I knew it would hurt you guys too much". I thought you knew it would put a wedge between you and the boys and you did it anyway. How selfish!!

I call his sister and let her know I thought it was awful for them to knowingly know we were not ready and do it behind our back and she said very angerly " YES, I SAW MY NIECE". I went nuts and said your calling her your niece already and she said that is what she is. I said what about my boys and she said what about them. WOW!

I knew this was going to happen but what was the rush. I guess it all depends on what side of the fence your on. I have my beliefs and they have theirs. I'm not going to change their views so why does it hurt so much?

I ache and I haven't been able to eat since Monday. I just cry all the time. I read posts here that say to let go because I can't control what he and his family does but how do I do that. I want this not to bother me so much, I want to not care.

My mind knows what I have to do but my heart just keeps getting in the way. I guess I feel his family betrayed me also just more lies and no regard to my feelings. I have been in this family for 27 years and I have been nothing but kind to them. I loved them and knowing they knew this would hurt me and did it any way hurts. Then see me and act so caring when all along they were seeing oc.

I know they care for their brother and his oc but what about us. We don't matter and I guess they follow their brothers lead and probably figured it was his job to tell me not thiers. I guess just knowing they accept this so easy hurts and I just cry.

Does the pain ever end? I pray to God but I don't get the comfort that some of you feel. I want it but I'm just to anger and mad! Really mad! I have to let go and move past this. I just can't stop cry for the disreguard my stbxh has for his boys and me.

Sorry so long!

lj

I am very sorry for your pain. I wish there was something I could do. But I really feel that you are doing this to yourself in alot of ways.

This baby is his child. I know that she was conceived in a very hurtful manner to you. But she is still his child. She is as much a part of his family as your children. Maybe not via 'marriage' but she is still as fully his child as your own children. That will never change.

I think that you are trying to control the situation. And I think that you are hurting yourself in the process. And I worry that you are hurting your children even more. They take cues from you about things. I doubt very much if they would have reacted the same way had they found out that the 'half sister' had been introduced to the family had you presented it differently.

I fear that you might be trying to show them the 'bad' of their father's ways, and in the process hurting them. This little girl is their half sister. To pretend otherwise is only to hurt them. She may need their support, actually I bet that she will DEFINITELY need their support in the future. Why should they 'refuse' to have a sister or she not have the benefits of having 'brothers/sisters'? It is NOT her fault and it is NOT your children's fault. But the good that could come out of a amicable relationship far outstrips your anger and hatred of your ex.

I fear that you are so angry and hurt right now, that you are causing issues for your children that will be far reaching. Much farther than the current pain that you feel now.

My opinion... and this is JUST my opinion, is that you welcome this little child. Not as one of your own, but as a viable part of your children's future in some way. She WILL be part of their future, regardless of what you have to say about it. She WILL be influenced by and influence your children. You can foster a good relationship in which your children flourish in a bad situation or you can foster anger and hostility in which your children and THEIR future relationships suffer.

Accepting the existence of this little child does NOT mean that you accept that her parents were right. Accepting her is accepting the good of an innocent. She IS your SIL's neice. To pretend that she shouldn't accept and love this baby is to live outside of reality in my opinion. And I KNOW it is because of the pain you feel this child represents.

But YOU have the ability to react and think differently. ONLY YOU have that ability. ONLY YOU have the ability to change how you interact with your children.

I am NOT at all sure that what your EX did was wrong. Obviously, his situation and PAST bahavior is horrible. But when would his introducing her have been 'right'? There is NO right time. But if I had a child, I would be proud of her. I hope that I would have her in a different manner. But if she was mine, I would NOT seperate her from my family for the 'sake' of my ex. I am sorry, but this is just how I see it. Also, he was correct in guessing that by being open, you would react badly, which in my opinion is what has happened. I know that it is pain and anger, but the behavior is less than what I bet you would want for yourself in a year, looking back on the present. This little girl is as much HIS daughter as your children are, and although your lives have been turned UPSIDE DOWN. It is what you do from THIS POINT on that will determine where everyone goes from here.

I understand the pain you must be feeling. I also can hear from your posts that your children are really keying off how your react in forming their own opinions. They cannot LOVE you and LOVE their father, when loving him hurts you so much. YOU MUST allow them to love him and their sister. YOU MUST, because if you don't, they will have so much horror to deal with within themselves, that they will have severe problems for the rest of their lives.

They simply want to love you both. But they aren't being 'ALLOWED' to love you both in my opinion. When you tell them that their father has introduced his child... THEIR SISTER to his family in an angry or hateful way... they think this is how they should react. They KNOW how much it hurts you. They see the bad that your ex has caused. But again... it is what you DO from this point on that will allow them to heal and grow.

Please, lj... for your sake and theirs. Don't help to drive the wedge between your children and their father and sister. As much as it hurts... teach them to love... teach them the REAL meaning of love so that they don't end up choosing poorly in their very long lifetime from here on out. You don't have to teach them that his choices are OK. You just have to teach them that this little girl is OK, and that loving her is OK.

At least that is my opinion.

<small>[ August 27, 2003, 12:21 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

lj1122- I can feel your pain - I agree with Formerly Confused - the boys are reacting to your pain - Not that you don't have every right to feel the pain - because you do - But like he said this little girl has done nothing and she is his child... I can see your pain as far as his family is concerned also but again she is a part of their family - maybe a part that came out of a bad thing that he did to you and your boys - but still the same she is their family and she should be accepted... Now I don't think that they were really lying to you - I just think that everyone was trying to spare your feelings - so they kept something from you ... I totally feel your pain and I can relate to the letting go thing - I actually wish that someone would invent a pill - and I would just wake up one day - and bam everything would be wonderful but I think that it is just a long process that we must go through - Like my therapist told me - I was really hurt I really loved this man and he betrayed me and lied to me - it is alot to handle - but you I believe like me in so many ways become your own worst enemy trying to figure out why he did that - how can they accept her and how can they react to that situation - ??? Etc... Now I also read in a book the other day that the only way to let go was to truly forgive - When then comes I don't know - it is different for everyone - but you have to try for your sake and for your boys sakes - They are older - of course they are hurt - and probably more so because you are so hurt - But !!! Again like Formerly Confused said this little girl did nothing - and like my sister always tells me when I get upset when people talk to my ex that I don't think should - "he didn't have an affair on them, - he didn't divorce them... He did this to your marriage and while people can think that he did wrong - they will probably be able to forgive him alot quicker than you can... Stay Strong...

FC & Maw- What wisdom you have and I so know what you are saying is true but how do I let go of the anger and hurt. Stbxh does truly love this child and I guess that is what hurts me so much. I am jealous!! What you said I wanted to argue every point but when I thought about it you are right. I cryed as I read it because I want to be in that place and rise above this and be a better person. I have to work on that but I'm finding it very differcult because the pain is awful.

I never had to work on anything of this magnitude before and I'm not doing a very good job. I want him to suffer like he made me suffer and that is just a waste of my time and energy. Just seeing his life going on and mine not(because of me) hurts.

Thank you have given me something to think about. I need to see that my thinking is not on the mark for my emotions get in the way.

LJ

lj1122- Oh my god - I can so relate - but you are right your life is not moving on because of you - and I can say that - because I like you experience the pain on not letting go - But I am getting better and it does really take time - You are hurt - you are betrayed - and you cannot believe that now he has a daughter and it isn't with you - and that is ok - It is just going to take time --- And believe me I am not so over this stuff that I don't go through the same thoughts of revenge - I wish that my ex could experience 1/2 of the horror that I have felt over th e last year and half - but it has been a year and half and it is getting better - now I only wish he would drop dead like every two weeks... I can't remember exactly what happened to me one day - Oh I think it was something with the kids and how they were reacting to something - that I just ok enough - time to move on - It is the hardest thing I have ever done - but I know that I deserve to be happy - and you also deserve to be happy... Maybe if you start distancing yourself from the situation it will make it easier for you to let go... Try not to find out what is happpening with him and his daughter - try to get it out of sight and maybe in turn it will be out of mind... I know the feeling of wanting so bad to move on but having no control over your emotions - I mean I still tell people ex included - do you think that I want to feel like this??? It is so hard really it is - But I think us betrayed spouses need to forgive to finally let go...... You have nothing to be ashamed of your actions - you are human and you are hurt - but now that you are aware of all of this you must try to forgive and or forget - to be able to move on - you have to do it for yourself...

Dear lj1122

Boy, can I ever relate. I think the hard part is that your life and what you thought it was, is so terribly turned upside down.

You are betrayed and lied to by the person who is supposed to love you the most. Your family is torn apart, emotionally and financially and physically. You and your kids are terribly affected.

Then, it affects your extended family. My ex's family was my famiy for 22 years. I saw them more than my own our whole married life. His brothers and their families are like my own. Now, I very rarely hear from them. It is pretty mind boggling and it is very difficult to live through.

The emotions you are experiencing are very normal, I think. I was starting to think that there was something wrong with me for not reacting to these type of situations better. But, I am slowly starting to realize that my feelings are valid--and no one has the right to dictate how you should be feeling--or when you should be feeling certain things. Time does help, counseling can help---but in the long run--we each have to work through these issues on our own time schedule.

It would be great if we could all just forgive and forget and move on. But it doesn't work that way. It will get easier---and I think you reach levels of acceptance and hopefully, keep getting better emotionally.

I am doing better just in the last week or so, when I have decided that enough is enough. I don't want to talk to him, hear about him, nothing. I want to purge him from my life. I want to move on. I am doing what I can legally for some issues. Does that mean I don't think about things 50 million times a day--yea, I do--but I am trying not to dwell on it. That approach seems to be helping me.

Was I there even two weeks ago--nope. I can't change what happened. I won't have what I had before this devastating mess. My relationship with his family is changed forever. Do they still love me, yep, they do. Am I disappointed in their behavior--yep, I am. Can I do anything about it--nope. My misery has to stop.

I am trying to focus on my kids, my work, and unfortunately, lastly me. And you know what, I don't think about him every minute of the day now. It is an improvement. Are there days I could still kill him?.yep. Are there days I am devastated--yep, but not as many as before. I still miss my family and my sense of wholeness--but it has changed--and I can't do anything about it....so I am trying to learn to let it go. Sorry for the long post....but, I know exactly how you are feeling....and It is OK!!!!! Pat

One other thing that has helped me, is that it is their loss. I was a great daughter-in-law. If they don't want to maintain a relationship with me--they are missing out. (My ex BIL just called to tell me he has finally proposed to his current girlfriend, and he wants me and the kids to be at the wedding. A far cry from not being invited to his parents 50th anniversary. They didn't want to upset their son and his mistress. His brother doesn't care. That was kind of nice.)

<small>[ August 27, 2003, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: miserynmissouri ]</small>

lj--you truly have a hard situation. I feel for you and know your pain must be deep. These are the kind of things that keep the wound open and oozing.

You have been given alot of good advice here. We BS cannot expect others to take sides. I know the longing for others to see what we feel and the jealousy over what may seem like "success" in the WS life. I just felt a little of that today. WS was telling me about the garage he is building....an added feature to "our" home which I no longer live in. I quickly became aware that this situation was a trigger to get me down. I fought the obsession to dwell on it.

Keeping your distance and keeping the triggers at a minimum is the GOAL...

Your stbx's family will stick by him cause that is what families are for. If you want your boys to cotinue involvement with their father's family, you will one day have to help mend the bridge.

I have not heard from my son in a few weeks but I heard he had lunch with his dad. That is a bummer cause we can no longer enjoy our son together.....he can no longer expect to see us both at the same time. I hate it but have to accept it. I want my kids to be able to love their dad even though I don't think he deserves it. My sons need to have a loving relationship with their dad....with or without me.

Prayers and hugs to [[[[[[you]]]]]]]

TW

I had alot to think about last night. When younger son came home I had him read this thread and we sat and talked. It went slow at first but I just told him that I do and will make mistakes and I love him and so does his father. I mentioned that it would be okay for him to see his half sister and I might meet her too!

He kept saying don't talk about her and I changed the situation around and said what if this was your brother what would you do? You would help him just like his family is doing and if there was a child you wouldn't want to see it? He listened and we cried together but it wasn't I hate cry, it was a closure cry. We hugged and he told me he loves me but he still is not interested in meeting her but maybe some day. I said when ever your ready and don't not see her because of me.

I felt good after and I will talk to older son today. Reading what everyone wrote did open my eyes to the damage I might be creating and you are all very wise people. Just like ws can be in a fog I think bs have fog also but in a different way. My fog was lifted a little and I am seeing clearly.

I see that I can't change one thing and I have to stop trying. I learned that I can be a better role model for my boys. I won't take all the blame for their thoughts but I can curb my opinions. I see that stbxh has lost everything and his life is not as wonderful and rosey as my mind makes it out to be. He had a good thing and he lost not me. I have to move on and not care what he is doing with his family and oc. I will remove myself from situations that will not be in my best interest. I will start thinking about myself.

Thank you all for replying, it really helped me.
Your all wonderful people.
LJ1122

lj1122- I am so happy for you - the high road is the one to take - just like everyone said it hurts - can you stop the pain nope - but can you learn to live with it - yes over time... And it does get easier - a little bit every day -!!! Will you ever truly be over it - I am not sure - but you will come to a point when you are not going to let it control your life any longer.... You deserve to be happy !!! And someday hopefully sooner than later you will be !!! Stay strong and focused - fight those dwelling on the what ifs and how comes.... feelings <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Update

Stbxh called and we had our first civil talk in a while. I explained to him why I react the way I do and how he expects me to be where he is in recovery when he had 2 or more years to secretly deal with this. He said he understood but I have been very hard to deal with lately and I agreed.

I have been a b**ch and I'm not like that under normal circumstances. I don't like myself either! Not that I don't have any right to feel the way I do but I have to control my emotions. Your right my children do feed off me and my reaction to situations.

I am changing as of today and you know what I feel better because of it. I feel like the 20lb weight has been lifted off my back and maybe I had to go through what happened earlier in the week to get to this place. I hit rock bottom and was at an all time low. NO MORE!

Our conversation was very peaceful and we were able to talk because I wasn't making him be defensive and angry. I won't get my answers and I have to stop looking for them. Even when I get the answers there never good enough. Letting go is the only way to survive!!

I lost one year and I will not lose another. I am young and full of life. My life is not over because he is not in my life. It's just going to be different that's all.

Thank you all again it was something I needed to hear and it has helped me more than you know.

lj

lj---you have made a brave and courageous choice and this whole thread has brought me to tears.
Sacrificial love will be something that your boys will admire about you. You chose to act in love toward others espeically your boys' father. This is a wonderful thing to model for them.

There is so much hurt in the world that it always touches me when someone can turn the other cheek. That is what you just did.

May God bless you all

TW