Hi,

I have been married for 8 years. The last year we have spent apart. We have been together for 10 years. Last summer I came home from visiting family and HB had left me with a note. He moved to another state, not where we are from about 1000 miles away. I went to see him last Sept. and he was not very willing to make any effort to reconcile. I saw him during xmas at my parents home for a day or so. It was very difficult. He came here to go to a nascar race in March. He was here for 4 days and I saw him for a total of 5 minutes. He kept promising that he wanted to come back but never made any effort to do so. He has many addictions (alcohol, drugs, pornography, nascar). He says he is doing better with these addictions, but I do not believe it. I would like to believe that he is better but I can not see it without him seeking some professional help. I have been seeking the LORD's direction and will for over a year now.
I have been working on my own issues that caused problems in our marriage. We have so many withdrawals from the LOVE BANK, unresolved issues over many years. I have reached out to him in a kind and loving manner trying to let him know my heartfelt desires. I can not get him to communicate about anything. He can not get to that level of emotion. He has so many internal issues within himself that need to be dealt with, but he needs to be ready to do that.
I do not know when he will ever be ready.
I searched my soul and I decided that I needed to get the divorce. I can not continue to live with all of these unresolved issues. I have healed tremendously this past year. He does not know I have filed. But, I told him that I had gone to a lawyer. I was getting ready to file if we could not lay the issues out on the table and discuss them. He told me he would call me this past weekend. I never heard from him. He is still running. I told myself I would give him the weekend to talk to me. If he did not call me back, I would have to proceed with the divorce, so that is what I did on Monday.
I just want to know what others think about this decision I have made.

What "I" think? It doesn't matter what I think in this case. I feel very sad that yet another *couple* is divorcing. You can't *change* him, though it does sound like you worked on the things that you were responsible for.

Are there children involved in this? Are you in a hurry to be divorced? Can you see reconciling with this man if he makes changes? I still had so many questions even after HE started the process of divorce. I asked for it because he was abusive. I was hoping and praying that he would change. He never did. I too wanted to know if it was the *right* decision. What helped me come to grips with it was going to DivorceCare at a local church. It helped answer the questions I had. I too wanted to know what others thought and if the course of my actions were *right* or *wrong*.

There comes a point in your life where you will KNOW -- part of that for me came from going to DivorceCare.

Hi Elan,

No children involved. I could reconcile with him, but there is so much that needs to change. He has major issues that go back to childhood. Of course we all do. He has not dealt with the pain. He just covers it up with the addictions. I still love him. I will always love him, but he is not good for ME, not in his condition. He is a good guy. I can not be the only one trying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . He needs to grow up and except the responsibility of being a husband. I just do not know. I was not in a hurry to get a divorce until now. I am just fed up trying to reach him. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> It just drags me down.

I was divorced before I came to this board. I came here hurting because my ex continued all the garbage...I stayed, lurked and learned.

Why in a hurry to divorce? I've read the *plans* here and understand as much as the next person, but I have also been on the other side of being *divorced*. I always tell anyone who asks, don't leave anything unturned. Do EVERYTHING in your power to keep your marriage together. I for one never wanted to look back on my years and say, "I wonder what if."

You say you love this man. Counselling for you is key in helping you deal with YOUR feelings and how you are getting through all this. Is there possibly someone else for you? Is that why you are wanting the divorce? Addictions are very hard to overcome. Some incredible people have overcome addictions and have held their marriages together, but it goes without saying it takes some INCREDIBLE work. Then there are some people who do not get over their addictions. These addictions he has didn't develop overnight, or in a year, but I take it over a long time. How long are you willing to wait for him to heal?

Maybe you want to consider sending him a letter laying out everying..how you feel...how his actions make you feel...how YOU function when he is addicted... tell him what YOU need out of the marriage and what you are willing to do in order to keep this marriage together -- BUT only if you are willing to do these things. Marriage is a partnership, but unfortunately it only takes ONE person to take it apart. You can either chose to end it, or to lay down a firm foundation for an excellent marriage (via what you need and whatyou are willing to do). Either he is willing to work on it or not. It's a tiring process finding out where the other person is at, but it sounds to me like you don't really have enough of the answers to go and file for divorce. (based on what you have written).

I feel I have plenty of information. I have been reaching out to him for a year now. It is hard to do anything when I can not see him or talk to him face to face. I have sent him emails upon emails concerning what I want and need from him as my husband. But, I get no responses. Everything else has always been a higher priority to him than me. Being with his friends, hanging out with his drinking buddies. I do not know how he has changed. He says he has changed, but that is all I have to go on. Maybe, I do not love him enough. I do not know.
I feel like I have been his mother instead of his wife for so many years. I am dealing with a child and not an adult. I do not know but this emotionally drains me. If I can not get responses from the other end, what else can I do? Should I just sit around and wait for eternity, because that is how long it could be?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I can not get responses from the other end, what else can I do? Should I just sit around and wait for eternity, because that is how long it could be?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Guess that all depends.... Do you have someone else? Maybe he needs more time. Maybe YOU need more time. Divorce is a piece of paper that ends your marriage legally. You don't have kids to be concerned about, but there are other things that you need to look at. Do you think that filing for divorce is going to change him? What are your expectations of divorce? What attracted you to this man in the first place? Why did he move to another state?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not know how he has changed. He says he has changed, but that is all I have to go on. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why would he tell you he changed?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Everything else has always been a higher priority to him than me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds to me that some wires are crossed here. He's not hearing what you need from him and you view *everything else* as a higher priority to him. Have you looked deeper into this? Is it addictions that are the higher priority? I know my ex would *do* stuff for everyone else but at home. But to him, it is what made him feel valued -- the helping. I know that I was the one that needed to work on filling that need for him instead of being angry that he was seeking it elsewhere.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like I have been his mother instead of his wife for so many years. I am dealing with a child and not an adult. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! DITTO DITTO DITTO! Boy did I ever feel that way! I had to look inside of myself and see WHY I felt that way. I just took over in our marriage. When he wasn't *doing it right* I just took over and mowed over him and did it all. I never let him face up to his responsibilities. For every thing he screwed up, Elan was there to fix it. He never learned to fix it himself. I was always bending myself into a pretzel to have it all be *ok* -- meantime I was getting angrier and angrier because he wasn't stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility. I learned to step back -- even with my children. Maybe it's not that he's your child, but you are not allowing him to face his responsibilities?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel I have plenty of information. I have been reaching out to him for a year now. It is hard to do anything when I can not see him or talk to him face to face. I have sent him emails upon emails concerning what I want and need from him as my husband. But, I get no responses. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K..you lost me here.. You feel you have plenty of information, but you can't see him face to face, you send him emails and get no responses. How exactly do you have plenty of information? You have been apart for a year and you are basing what you know on the past -- before the separation. How do you know what's happened in the last year? ({{{{Hugs}}}} by the way...I'm sure this is coming out in print worse than out of my mouth! I just want you to look at this a bit more) Have you considered writing a letter that says, "Look....I've been writing you and writing you and get no response. I'm really trying to understand how you have changed and if there is a possible future for us. Could you please respond to my emails? I love you and care for you, but I can't do this all by myself. Either we work on this together or we end it."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Maybe, I do not love him enough. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hee hee....did you ever hear, "God works in mysterious ways."? Well you know m'dear, He does work in mysterious ways and I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be here asking these questions if you didn't love this man enough. God just wants to make sure that every stone has been turned. Read His word...ask those questions and seek answers.

You are right about me not letting him face his own responsibilities. I have done nothing but be an enabler. I bailed him out of jail 3 times. 2 DUIs and 1 drug. He still continued to drink and drive. I would be scared to death that he was going to kill somebody or himself. I lived for many many many years (feels like 100) with anxiety and depression over this madness. He would stay gone all night, not come home I would not know if he was dead, alive in jail. That is what the addictions does, they make you lose sense of reality. It is easier for him not to cope. I kept trying to help him, but I was not helping him in the right way, because I had much anger towards him. I can say I have no anger anymore towards him. I feel more at peace and whole than I have ever felt in years. I pushed him away with my own issues.
I feel that the divorce is a wakeup call. I know that is not right. But I am willing to except the consequence of being divorced. Yes, I feel I am ready to be with someone else.
Why did I marry him? Because I loved him. He is funny and is totally opposite of me. Opposites attract you know. Why he moved to where he moved is a very good question? He obviously wanted far far away from me. He is also trying to find himself. He wants to be a comedian. I think he figured well I will go to this state where my friend lives and he will help me become a comedian or something? I really am not sure. Actually, I have no answers.
That is part of the problem. I can not get any answers or information, because he will not give it to me. Everytime I try to talk to him there is always something else he needs to do. Now it is becoming impossible for me to talk to him. He is never on the computer. He is never at home and never returns phone calls. I have his work number, but he can not talk there. I am drawing at straws. I do not know if I will ever know what all has happened in the last year. But I can guarantee that he has been lying to me about some things, concerning going to nascar races. He would tell me I am coming there to see you and never show up. He would say things and do something else. It makes me think he really wants the divorce, but does not know how to tell me. Another thing, he has never handle his finances correctly, from spending his money on drugs caused him to accumulate much debt. He ended up filing for bankruptcy right before he left me. By the way, this is the second time he has left me. This is TOUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. It's an emotional roller coaster that's for sure! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Being an enabler is the toughest thing to change. I was so ashamed of the things that my ex did that I tried to *fix* it all the time when I should have let him fall flat on his face. Who knows what the end result would have been, but I drove myself nuts living with the same kind of anxiety and depression. I could have saved myself those years...but hey...we all learn as we go along. I'm still working on the co-dependency. I read "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie, and have continued to even after the divorce. It helps. Some days I need it, some days I don't -- but it's a guideline to help ME let go of wanting to control things because my ex was so out of control. I am so sad to hear that you worried so much about him being out all night not knowing if he was dead or alive. It must have been incredibly exhausting.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is what the addictions does, they make you lose sense of reality. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunately, addictions also suck in the people around them. The *co-dependents* or whatever you want to call the people around them also lose sense of reality believing that you can do right, you can fix, or that if you love them enough, they will change. That's not reality. You DO become angry.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I pushed him away with my own issues.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How so?????

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel that the divorce is a wakeup call. I know that is not right. But I am willing to except the consequence of being divorced. Yes, I feel I am ready to be with someone else. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Waking him up or you up? Divorce is rarely reversible. It's pretty much a final step, but if you are not 100% sure about NEVER seeing your ex again or having anything to do with him EVER again or having those "I wonder what if" thoughts, it's not going to grant you the peace you are seeking.

You said he moved to that state to become a comedian. Sounds like this is a dream of his. Have you considered following him there? Is it something that he discussed with you during your marriage? You said in one sentence he moved to "find himself" then you said "he obviously wanted far far away from me" then "he wants to be a comedian". Sounds to me like you need to find out why he moved. I know not having the answers is difficult, but it helps you move on and examine your own self when you have some of those answers. Him never being on the computer doesn't prevent you from sending him snail mail. With you applying for divorce you need to have some sort of address for him. You can even mail a letter marked "Private and Confidential" to his work address. Send it registered so he has to sign for it. At least you know he *got* your letter. Maybe he won't respond, but maybe he WILL. Lay it out on the line: "Maybe you really want the divorce, but don't know how to tell me."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He ended up filing for bankruptcy right before he left me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Maybe he was ashamed. Maybe he wanted to *make it big* to prove himself worthy to you. Finances are a HUGE issue in marriage. Even the BEST accountants who are married have financial issues in their marriages. On top of this, YOU had a husband who had addictions that he needed to feed. These are not issues that are unsurmountable. BUT only if BOTH people are willing to work on it. Treatment for ANY abusive behaviour needs to take place before the two of you can work on anything. Your separation hasn't been one where the two of you could work on reconciliation (and who knows what the status is of his addictions?) The basic principles of Marriage Builders and how to have a successful marriage is based on four rules: Care, Protection, Honesty and Time. ( http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3900_rules.html ) I know I haven't offered much help in the way of answers, but I do hope you've really thought out this *divorce*. I'm telling you from the other side, divorce isn't as *easy* as one may think it is. It doesn't just *end* all the hurts and pains and makes everything right. It just changes things. Those issues are still there and you still grow in so many ways -- except you do it alone. For me, it was the BEST thing I ever did, but it doesn't mean it was easy by any means.

I'm truly sorry you are in this position. I do hope that others respond to your posts and help you feel at peace with your decision. I have to get off and wake up kids and get my day going here. Feel free to email me at cgyvacationgirl@hotmail.com . {{big hugs + hang in there}}