decision has been made

I'm afraid of nothing... our (my son & me) finances will be the same (if not better), not affraid of moving forward (eager to have peace!), not concerned about future relationship(s) - just fine with everything...

only ONE concern: how bad impact could be on my 2 (TWO) years old son living with no dad??
(I don't believe my H will stay a good friend with me & invest a lot in upbringing our son...)

Please help me, you divorced people...
any bad consequence for children of divorced parents
better to say - how to decrease the negative impact of divorce to minimum???

tnx

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 02:47 PM: Message edited by: Guernica ]</small>

Guernica,

Thanks for posting this. My STBXH left me and our now 22 month old son to move to his country of origin to live with OW on June 16. He has not been back to visit our son since; although, he does call every couple days and I try to reinforce who Daddy is by showing him STBXH's picture and telling him that Daddy loves him and I have him kiss Daddy's picture. In the past several weeks he has begun exhibiting a WHOLE lot of anger and frustration at the smallest things. He has started biting his playmates, pushing them down, throwing toys and screaming. He is very clingy to me and throws a fit everytime am out of his site. Each day, once the first child is picked up from our sitter's he stands in the window crying until I arrive. My sitter and I feel that he is expressing his grief at the loss of his Dad. Child psychology articles I have read on the Internet seem to confirm this. Any input you get in response to your question will certainly be helpful to me - thank you, again.

Regards,

Brit's Brat/BS-42
STBXH-44
DS-22 months
Status: Filed for divorce on our 3rd Wedding Anniversary. STBXH now living overseas with OW and her to daughters in his country of origin.

you are welcome, my dear...

is it your only child?
I'm 43 and my son is my first baby... (I guess the last one too <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> )

some addiotional info about us:
my parents take care of my baby during working days (I'm out of the home 12 hrs an averaga - work&travelling)
my H begun to spend more time with him 2-3 months ago - from his birth till he was 14 mths, my H was playing with him max. 20 min.per day... now it's about 1-2 hrs per day...
not every day though
I don't think that my son is close to him <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
don't think he'll miss living with him

my question is not about NOW but about years to come...

anyway, I posted the same theme in General Q's - maybe we'll get some good advice... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ August 28, 2003, 03:25 PM: Message edited by: Guernica ]</small>

ps:
yes, you are right telling him nice things about his dad... I'll do the same - never ever nothing bad... he has to be convinced that his parents (both) are good, perfect <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , and that he came to this world from love and desire...
as he was...

another issue I'll have is how to make his dad work together with me on his upbringing...
because he said several times - if we get divorced he'd move away... (maybe wasn't serious...)

pps: ( <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> getting senile & forgetting <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

just show your son a lot of love, ensure him you are not going to leave him
children need love and feeling of security/stability...

Guernica,

I am 42. Our little guy is the only child for both STBXH and me. I know he misses his Daddy. For the first many weeks, he would walk through the house looking for him, saying "Dada, where are you?" One day, as I was pulling his shirt over his head, he said, "Dada bye, bye?" Now, he doesn't ask about him or say anything when I show him Daddy's picture, but is acting out in the ways I mentioned in my initial post.

I work 9 hour days and my son is with a sitter during that time - there are 5 other children there, as well. When I am not at work, I am with my son. I try to make sure that he knows I am there for him by telling him, "Mommy's going to go to the potty," or "Mommy's going to go in the kitchen and make our dinner." Unfortunately, I have no family here where I live, they are all 1500 miles away. My parents visit once, sometimes twice, a year and I may get to go there once a year, but I have no one to give me day to day help with DS or to give me a break. I am not so concerned about me - if I survived STBXH's A, I can survive this, but I worry so much about DS not having his Daddy here to nurture him, as well.

Regards,

BB

Count me in on this group.

MY stbx left when our son was 22 months and our unborn daughter was 2 months away from being born. My son took it hard. Any time anyone came to the door he'd ask "da da?".. it was awful.

The stbx has been out of the house for almost 9 months now. Everyone is adjusting much better. My son knows I'll ALWAYS be there for him.. ALWAYS.

Listening to my son ask for his da-da was one of the hardest parts of all of this.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Well,

I have three kids...one son..their dad has never really been around..even when we were married..
I figured it out once..that out of ten years of marriage my ex was home a total of about 2 1/2 years..

My son is 8, so maybe I can make some suggestions

I realize your sons are younger than mine...but you could talk to your pastor and see if there are any men in your church who would consider being a part-time big-brother..men who could support you in disciplinary actions..when my son was about 3, there was some wonderful men at our church who whenever my son would misbehave at church or pre-k..they would step in after I had said something and back me..

there was once my son was angry and slammed the car door..I disciplined him..and then one of the men came and asked my son to get out of the car..and come with him..he took him aside and in a very stern voice..got onto to him..he made him come apologize, and reopen the door and close it correctly..those type of men..are awesome
influences on our boys..

talk to the youth pastor..and ask if there are any teenage boys they would recommend as a good christian influence..kind of like a big brother, but a youth who could spend time with your sons who could even babysit occassionally, it would help the teen learn how much responsibility kids are..and also give your son a guy friend to look up too..

If you have fathers or brothers who you trust talk to them as well..ask for their help..and don't be afraid to allow others to discipline and be stern with them..if they know mom has support
it's so much easier..

Hope this helps..

it helps, thank you (all)

just to say I'll come back with some comments...
right now no so spare time...

hope to find more answers, advice...

and many regards to everyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It's important that you recover and get yourself healthy. Otherwise, you will not be allowing your child to heal.
Recovering from divorce is important to both of you. It is like a death, so grieve it appropriately.
There are great books on it, even at your age.

I recommend: Mom's House / Dad's House, How to help your children cope with divorce the Sandcastles way.

Also, when he gets older find a rainbows class in your area. www.rainbows.org.
Also find a divorce support group for you. Ours plans activities, with and without children. Your son can come to know that he's not the only child of divorce.

1.went from a honor roll student to failing 8th grade.
2.used to talk about college now only about getting a job, not wanting to go to school.
3.nightmares about dad killing me to take him away.
4.wont come out of his bedroom, keeps windows closed and door locked. doesnt want to go outside. Afraid dad will come by.
5. refuses to talk or see dad, dad called once son hung up on him.
6.says he will never M you cant trust woman. Dad told son all about MOW and why he was leaving. now our child thinks that all woman cheat on their H.
7. dad made promises to son & didnt keep. son thinks dad is a liar and cant be trusted
8.dad wont pay court ordered medical and school behind $1800.00.
9.son gained 150 and has depression.
10.son found out that dad is engaged to ow and bought a home with her. Dad told son he wouldnt see her anymore.
11.refuses to call him dad, its just Ray now. tells friends he doesnt have a dad.

Ive enrolled our son in a school for ADD and learning problems. I dont push him about calling dad or seeing his dad. son would take his angry out on me. Son is happier now that we moved from Al to Fl. being 350 miles away from dad & OW has helped. Our new home has nothing from the past in it to remind us of Dad. We made a clean start just the 2 of us. our son life changed after D, he sees himself with no future or family. I dont date Im afraid it would be hard on our son. He's afraid of losing me like he lost dad to OW.

m-over 17 yrs
me-49, x-43
d-5-02
c-14 & 29yrs, Granddaughters- 8yrs & 3 months

STBXH-44? An STD?

>"Pretty sure H has Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

Oh, please. Come on... what is this, the latest armchair psychologist's diagnosis? Who cares what these unfaithful homewreckers "have" or "don't have". All that is sure is that we who are left don't have an intact family anymore.