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#756866 08/29/03 05:12 AM
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As I head towards getting D, my WW is now attending CODA(Co Dependant Anonymous)meetings. I was told that it is something like AA meetings.

Any insight??

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AAA,

I don't know much about the support group..but I do know a little about co-dependent relationships

Here are a couple websites that may give you a little insight to what she's struggling with..

http://www.joy2meu.com/codependent2.htm

http://www.celebraterecovery.com/SmallGroups/codependant.asp

I prefer the second websites description better

this statement I feel really sums up the true defintion of co-dependancy--

"Codependents have difficulty living balanced lives; they do for others at the neglect of their own well-being and health"

And being a Christian makes this even more difficult--because as Christians were taught that is what Christians do...give of themselves..but we
tend to forget that before we can give to others..
we have to take care of ourselves so that we have something to give..so we have to find balance..

Co-dependancy stems from a lack of boundaries..of
knowing when to say yes, and when to say no to others..for everyone's benefit..

If you and your wife haven''t read the book Boundaries or Boundaries in Marriage..I'd suggest
you do..it will teach her how to get that balance in her life..and that she doesn't need to "please"
everyone..and if someone gets upset because she didn't do what they ask...those are there feelings
and it's okay for them to feel them and have to deal with them..

And it will help you help her..and learn how to encourage her during this time..

Hope the information helps..

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No, but where can I sign up?

Her "recovery" is about her, not about you. She is doing what she needs to recover from what she believes to be a codependent relationship.

I've read and discussed many codependent issues, and I fit every characteristic.

She will probably change in her behavior to you. It will be different. She is healing herself.

You must decide what you can do to recover from the death of your marriage.

Good Luck.

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Newly,

You can sign up by reading the boundaries book as well..and there is a workbook that goes along with it..to help work through some of the issues..

I know it helped ME tremendously...in learning not only to set boundaries for myself and sticking to them..but with better teaching my children healthy boundaries for themselves..

understanding that others really can handle their OWN hurts and pains..and I don't have to protect them from their own emotions and suffering the consequences of their actions..

it really has brought me an internal peace knowing
I don't have to do these thing...I can say NO, and others will eventually learn to do things for themselves that I used to do for them..and if they get mad or upset that's their problem..not mine..

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Thanks TR, I need to get back into self-help reading. I've been so busy with life, that I've neglected that piece.

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i don't look at it as self-help..but God's help in teaching us to live like Him..

Having healthy boundaries..

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For one thing I have seen some differences in her attitude towards me, very distant, less communication between us. Tou are right this is a healing process for her, somrthing she has to do herself. I tried to push across my willingness to help where possible but she pushes away.

You are right she will not be the same, as for the marriage ever getting back on the right track will probably never happen, but I have faith all through this ordeal, and I have rebuild myself through this forum.

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AllAlone,

Why not try working on yourself during this time--

Learn to relate to her as she makes these changes
and as you do that..you will have a better relationship...because the two of you will BOTH change together...

You'll learn better communication skills, and your relationship can get healthier...

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I truly believe that I am learning each day, yestersay was the first time in quite sometime my WW actually mentioned alittle about her CODa meetings. Part of what she tells me stems from her childhood. The way her dad treated her and verbally and emotionally.

Everything she has done was to make everyone happy, so my question to her "Did you marry me to make me happy?" "Did you have kids to make me happy". She had no answer to that, just has to figure it out.

I am her greatest supporter, all through this ordeal, and I don't think she realizes it.

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All Alone,

That is a tough one--but you really can help her--

I will assume, from the little bit you've shared is that she felt her dad's love was contingent
on her actions..and like she never quite felt she measured up..to HIS Standards..basically meaning--she felt his love for her was conditional..and it also sounds like he didn't respect her personal boundaries..

And in learning that..she feels others love the same way --which is pretty much true..

If you get a chance..read Tossedwave's thread about feeling like you don't 'belong'--and share that with your wife..

As I said there..it's not about living up to the worlds standards..and what they think you should be like...but in comparing ourselves to God's standards..and asking for and recieving HIS forgiveness..yet, even with that..many churches teach and believe that there has to be more to
it than that..but there isn't..it's believing that
Christ died on the Cross for our sins..and He forgives us our sins..just because He loves us..

It's not Christ, and saying penance
it's not Christ and works
it's not Christ and anything...

it's just Christ's death on the Cross, His resurrection from the dead..for our sins..and our
having faith that is true...


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