Hi Folks,

Don't know if you all know, but currently I am not dating. Thought it best until I can feel great all on my own and not feel like I'm happy because there is someone in my life. I still have occassional down times, not severe or anything, just random lows coupled with anger.

There has been a recent opportunity with someone, or at least I "THINK" it's an opportunity. And I found myself waffling between REALLY wanting it, and bolting from it. I don't even know if this guy is making overtures really, but what concerns me the most is how my body and mind vehemently resisted my feelings. And because of that I'm sending this really nice guy mixed signals.

I've been asked out by others and I politely decline, but this is the first time that *I* have felt an attraction, and *I* am picking him.

Lora tells me she thinks it's a fear of intimacy because I fear it will eventually lead to pain and we, as BS's, know how THAT feels.

Can anyone relate? Will I always be like this? What can I do aside from going to counseling to fix it? Any advice or wise words out there is very much appreciated.

Thanks for listening.

Love,
Jo

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 11:00 AM: Message edited by: Resilient ]</small>

Can totally relate. Maybe this will pass for you after you've gone out a few times. I've found, after extensive dating, that my issues are:
- I'm not willing to waste time in a relationship I can tell is going nowhere.
- I have pretty high standards for the people I date and if they aren't met within a certain time frame, I won't commit to anything with them.
- It's really easy for me to dump them for either of the 2-just-noted reasons.

I thought I would have your feelings, but I've been very surprised that it turned out to this other thing. I love being in a relationship and being able to pow-wow around with someone I like (maybe could even love). But, when push comes to shove, and because I've been through so much worse, it's easier to just walk away than push or shove, y'know?

Hang in there.

I know how you feel. I was the BS, and I had a "prospect" that I pursued immediately after the divorce was final.

We had fun on a few dates, and she would make a point to say so at the end of each date. I know she meant it because of the twinkle in her eyes when she said it. I was head over heels, but I told her I wanted to go slow...after that things were awkward and it ended and I don't see or talk to her anymore.

If you want to date, send appropriate signals. If you don't, don't send signals. I was waffling with this girl, but I really liked her a lot. I think, now that I'm responding to the post, is that I really liked her, but wasn't really ready to date at all. Now, I feel ready to pursue her, but is it appropriate to just call someone whom you haven't talked to in 3 months and the last contact was unresponded to? Keep that in mind too...the window of opportunity is short, and if you really like this person, they may not be available later. However, you also don't want a situation where you aren't ready.

I think you might want to look at your actions as a sign that you might not be ready. I don't think you are alone in feeling that way.

I've rambled long enough...

Hey Jo,

Yep, felt the same way before I met my current H.

I was asked out several times but always declined. I didn't want to deal with anything that might involve eventually getting hurt. I'm glad I waited though. By the time I met my husband, I was content with who I am and being on my own. Most of the "baggage" was gone. I still have moments where the physical abuse bothers me. For instance, if me and my hubby are playing around and he gets ahold of my arms, I sometimes feel like I'm going to panic and feel the need to struggle to get away. BUT he realizes that it happens and is careful to not get too carried away. He's very understanding. I hope to one day not feel that way anymore.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Resilient:

--I still have occassional down times, not severe or anything, just random lows coupled with anger.

TR- these feelings are normal

-- And I found myself waffling between REALLY wanting it, and bolting from it.--

TR- Again, normal..but ask yourself--"How long am I going to continue to run from a potential relationship??

-- I don't even know if this guy is making overtures really, but what concerns me the most is how my body and mind vehemently resisted my feelings. And because of that I'm sending this really nice guy mixed signals.--

TR- If he asks you out..set up some boundaries..
like--If your not ready for a serious relationship
then be honest upfront about it--

1. I really don't want to date one person exclusively..

2. I'd like to have the opportunity to date different people without the sex content in the relationship right now, so we can just get to know each other as people..

3. If they push for that..end the relationship with no regrets..

4. If things don't go as you'd like..you don't have to go out with them again if they ask..

5. Make a list of must have's--what must he have as in personality, humor, his values, and belief system--

6. Also make a list of under no circumstances will I accept this behavior in a relationship--

Some of my friends think I went overboard on my list..but, there are certain things I will NOT
accept in a relationship..and they can make or break it--personally I think this is healthy because you know exactly what your boundaries are-

--Lora tells me she thinks it's a fear of intimacy because I fear it will eventually lead to pain and we, as BS's, know how THAT feels. --

TR- thats true...but if you can feel pain, you can also feel happiness..

Can anyone relate?

TR- I think many of us here can--

Will I always be like this?

TR- that depends, on if your willing to take a chance and allow yourself to love again..and if you go into a relationship thinking.."I hope this person never hurts me" but if you go into a relationship with the understanding that--

1. This person isn't perfect..there will be times they will hurt me..

2. I am not perfect..there will be times I will also hurt them..

3. But, even knowing we will eventually hurt each other is it worth it??

As long as yuo realize your not not intentionally trying to hurt each other...you have a greater chance at happiness--

Also don't stop yourself from talking about things
that bother you--even if you think it MIGHT hurt the other person..you have to respect them enough that they can handle the truth and know how to express their hurts in an mature manner--like talking about how what was said hurts and why--
without getting angry..

It's learning to accept you don't have to spend every minute with them..and they don't have to spend every minute with you--and you'll be okay
relationship wise..

If you haven't read the book Boundaries..or now that your single again..Boundaries in Dating..
maybe you could do that..to help you get ready to enter that world again..

There is also a book about knowing if a relationship is worth pursuing in two dates or less...

Those and a couple others are going to be required reading for my kids before they start dating..because I don't want them getting emotionally or sexually involved with someone they
have only a passing interest in..it will cause all parties involved less hurt and pain...

<small>[ September 07, 2003, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: ThornedRose ]</small>

Jo,

I'm not dating either, and I don't want to. My feeling is that all women are psychotic on some level and I just don't want to deal with it right now. Before all the women blast me with, " I'm not psychotic!", I already know that. What I'm afraid of is that the one I date will be. I have enough complexity in my life without adding any more.

These feelings will probably pass (I hope), and eventually I'll meet a woman that I want to date. By then I hope I'll be able to deal with any rejection that might take place. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> As far as feeling down or angry, that has mostly passed. I do occasionally wish I had someone to share things with though. Whether it's going to a movie or the beach or whatever, things are more fun if they're shared I think.

I guess that wasn't exactly advice or wise words, but I do have some idea of what you're feeling. You shouldn't expect anything too smart from me anyway, lol.

BTW, "Abusively Natured Banshee"? You're killing me here.