Before I got married, I made a personal oath that I would divorce on the drop of a dime if I was betrayed.

My wife and I have been together for 3 years. last weekend she messed around with someone. Not premeditated. They kissed, touched each other. No sex. But it wasn't a heat of the moment thing. They kissed, went toa park kissed some more and went down each others' pants, then kissed in a taxi, and kissed some more at a bar.

She confided all this to me the day it happened. She loves me deeply and wants to do anything to make the marriage work. I suppose I still love her, but now so much is different.

I used to think she was the most trustworthy person on the planet. She was a virgin before me and no one had touched her intimately before. Now I have no pride in knowing that only I have been intimate with her. And I used to never think about her trustworthiness. Now whenever she goes somewhere I have to wonder if I can trust her.

And I have to think about that oath I made to myself. I am a man of considerable honor. it is tough for to reconcile that honor with my emotions. I still love her and I am moved by how much she loves me.

But I just don't know what to do. All I think about is her and this guy and their little adventure together.

Any thoughts?

Dont be silly. Of course you shouldnt divorce her simply on the grounds of something you promised yourself - without knowing what you were getting yourself into. SOmething like a boy who is absolutely convinced at the age of four that one day he'll be a pilot or a fireman. Well, once we live in the real world, things are different.

What happened to you is a traumatic experience. Your marriage will never be the same again. But that's actually good news, because in your "new" marriage you would want to remove the possibility that your wife feels the need to go astray. Ask yourself: why did she do this? which emotional needs did you not fulfill? of course, what she did is/was wrong & shameful, BUT you have to take responsibility for your part in this story, namely for creating an environment which enabled this.

Read all there is on this site, particularly the articles on "plan A". It's good stuff. And you know what, you're chances to recovery are very, very good, particularly as your wife stopped at the right moment, and opened up to you.

Dont sulk. Look into yourself. Treat it as the greatest chance in your life to grow, understand more and become a better person and husband.

It is just bizarre. She feels we have a super marriage. The only reason she could come up with was that it was the "newness" of it. For the past 2 days we have been either very happy and passionate with each other (like when we first got married and before), or I have just felt rage and don't even look or speak to her. I just hope this rage goes away.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Nick123:
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Ask yourself: why did she do this? which emotional needs did you not fulfill? of course, what she did is/was wrong & shameful, BUT you have to take responsibility for your part in this story, namely for creating an environment which enabled this.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the kinda stuff that pisses me off here at MB.....people always think its the BS that did something to provoke infedelity by their spouse. That is so NOT TRUE. I know personally that many of my friends who had affairs did it because it was JUST SOMEONE DIFFERENT.......nothing more or less. We have to stop putting blame on the BS all the time. In many cases the BS did contribute to the wayward seeking others out, but there are tons of instances where it was done out of selfishness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

bmh,

Definately, divorce her this instant. . How dare she make a mistake like that, breaking your personal oath like that.

How dare she tell you right away, and be honest and upfront about it. . how dazre she take full responsibility for her actions. . . that is unheard of in the world of betrayals. . .

ok, enough with the opposite response to make the point of an ACCIDENT. ok, you are not her, she has a different upbringing, different social development. .. you both sound young, she reads as though she is very socially immature around the opposite sex. . . she sounds like she was one that did not get asked out very much, the ugly duckling, and now, maybe just regrets having been so quick to say yes, I do. . .

however, actually, you are in the best position to make amends, repair the damage, and actually begin to udnerstand each other. . . emotional needs, etc,however, investigate her Family of Origin, was this experience a learned behavior? possibly she observed this from her mom or dad? if so, then some counseling is in order, to understand that her implicit learning, her learning by observation, is very damaging, and will cause lots of heartaches if her behavior continues. . .

if there is a family history of philandering, then i would consider divorce, if there is a repeat pattern, (PATTERN) not instance, then i would consider divorce. . . if she uses this behavior to manipulate you, or continually brings it up to "control" you, by making you feel guilty, etc, then i would consider divorce. .

BTW, where were you when she was out in bars, or being available for other men??

wiftty

Her background is pretty solid. Very stable family, no history of stuff like that. Also very religious, for whatever that is worth. That is why she confessed about it immediately - it was eating her up inside.

I know this is a tough moment but it’s also a chance to do some serious self & marital examination. A chance to allow this marriage to grow into something so much more. That your wife came to you means a lot. That she says

“””She feels we have a super marriage. The only reason she could come up with was that it was the "newness" of it.”””

Is she implying that your marriage is stale? I’m also kind of wondering if that is all that she is comfortable saying or if she is as confused as you. It’s my personal belief that “happy” people don’t do things like this. I look at my marriage and see how “our” environment fostered the idea that lead to the opportunity that lead to our divorce.

There are a lot of issues to deal with here. It would be good if you could honestly share some more of how you and your wife relate. Who wears the pants in the family and so on? I would also recommend that you together read “His Needs/Her Needs”. Find out about emotional needs, it might surprise you. Lastly, forgive her in the broadest since of the word. I have a friend who is divorcing 8 years after a similar instance. One of the major reasons is lack of trust, which she believes she has earned back, and every argument the one mistake is thrown in her face. Final note, throw your pride out the window especially if you are a religious man because we are told to humble ourselves.

StartinOver - Feel free to feel pissed off. I can only comment things from my side, given my experience, which - in a nutshell is: Yes, I have made mistakes, yes, I hope I could have not done a few differently, in same instances I know I was downright insensitive etc, and for all that I have to accept blame myself.
Having said that, I still cant understand why my WW did the things she did, cant find a way out of her disgraceful and self-destructive behaviour. SHE did whatever she did, it was a concious decision, and she was is and always will be wrong in that.

Well nick....Im really NOT pissed off, wrong choice of words......waywards get entirely too much credit sometimes. As I have said, the BS does contribute to the waywards having affairs, but there are many, many instances where the WS just wants excitement....nothing more, nothing less. Its in their personality. I have seen it, and have heard it. One of my friends whom almost lost his family and wife because of multiple infidelities had NO excuse why he did it. He said his wife was loving, and a wonderful person, he did it for excitement and because he just wanted sex from someone other than his wife. God slapped him back into reality with a sexual harassment case from one of his other women, and now he is back on track. His wife had NOTHING to do with his looking for women elsewhere. He told me that.

I'm with StartinOver on this... my H got drunk one night on a business trip and had a ONS. Stated he deeply loved me, never wanted to hurt me, I was 8 months pregnant at the time blah blah blah... "just made a mistake"... HUH?

I wouldn't divorce her for that.

She has a conscience. She did something terrible, absolutely terrible, and she couldn't live with herself until she told you.

Yes, go to counseling. I think you can trust her because she knows that what she did was wrong, she will have to understand the "whys" herself to assure it doesn't happen again, and she wants to be with you. Those are very good reasons to stay in the M. She made a terrible mistake and a mistake like that is not a reflection of you or your relationship. It is a reflection of her character. I truly believe people can change especially if they are motivated to do so, and it sounds like she is motivated to do so.

The only thing that really leaps out at me from this is:
- If she thinks your marriage is so super... why did she do this?

She did this. She told you. There's a good chance that she feels horribly about it but at the same time is testing you to see how you react. There's also a good chance that more than what she said has happened.

You need to come to terms with what you understand and your own feelings about it. Here are the truths of your situation:
1. You'll never know as much about this thing that she did as you'll wish. Advice: Assume the worst happened and go from there.
2. There is something seriously wrong with your relationship. Women in love don't behave this way. If you decide to try and improve your marriage, you need to really address the two parts of being love: YOU and HER. Advice: You can't control her. So focus on yourself and invite her along for the ride. If she comes along, that's an important message BUT IT MEANS JUST AS LITTLE AT THIS POINT AS IF SHE DOESN'T.
3. Divorce is a hard and ugly thing. If you're too tangled up in an emotional hairball to deal with this rationally now, go stay somewhere by yourself and get away from her. Don't date; don't test. Just be by yourself.
4. Study up on Plan A. If you love her, what she has done is Plan A worthy. You owe her nothing; she owes you nothing. If you want to save your marriage, I strongly recommend that you drop any sense of injured and/or self-righteous feelings for justice. Marriage isn't about "fair"... it's about 2 people evolving compatibility over time and this website is great for all that stuff.

YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER. Her actions should have already rubbed your face in this and we are all, everyone here, sorry for that. It's an affront to so much of what marriage is... but remember, that in your quest for honorable behavior to stay away from all the things that marriage is NOT: controlling, dominating, obligatory, intrusive, manipulative, etc.

Do you love her? If so, Plan A your heart out. If not, go to counselling and follow your honor. At the end of the day, honor can feel very cold and lonely if it conflicts with what your heart tells you was right.

Well, I am quite sure she told me everything. The things that took place happened in a public park and in a bar (they were part of a group tour). The situation just wouldn't have lent itself to sex. And also, the person she did this was is in the military and I have put in motion the process for him to be tried under military law (the fact that he knew she was married makes it punishable).

So my wife knows that she is writing a sworn statement to a court. She is deeply religious and would not leave out details.

Lyxa-- that was amazing advice..I had to copy it into my word program so I could read/reread/reread.... I hope this isn't too lame or sappy, but I can learn so much from you.

bmh-- most people only post here to try and give you additional insights. I know you love your wife- that is evident. And I am sure she loves you, but she is-for whatever reason-acting out. I think I read somewhere that when women do these kinds of things, TYPICALLY it has to do with boosting their egos/self-esteem (feeling pretty); or some emotional need, like acceptance, that isn't being met. Maybe concentrate on fulfilling those types of needs for her as part of your Plan-A thing. I STRONGLY reccomend reading Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus. There's a list in there of all kinds if "little"romantic/thoughtful gestures you can do towards your W to build up her romanitc opinion of you again. It's a dummy-proof checklist, so I love it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I would like to offer you this-something I gained from my painful marriage: don't disrespect yourself by refusing to believe what you see or feel. Of Course you want to think the best of your wife-- that's what you are supposed to do as her husband; good for you. But please do not ignore what you know OR what you suspect (intuition, I think, is our guardian angels whispering to us--it's rarely wrong). Your marriage is not too far gone at this point, and like Lyxa said..something IN HER is wrong with your relationship, and she did what she did and told you because --silly as this is-- when we get married, we expect our partner to magically know how to fulfill our needs and take care of us (like we are babies and they are our parent). If you don't nip this in the butt NOW (no, not by divorce, necc.)by doing Plan A (which is a means of giving your spouse a differant set of stimuli to react to) because you refuse to see that your spouse is not perfect and that she does have a serious problem..then you sentence yourself to years of pain and edventual divorce.
Good luck to you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

"The only reason she could come up with was that it was the "newness" of it. "

IMO you should not accept this explanation or excuse for her being intimate with this OM. The question you should ask is why a religious person would allow herself to do this in the first place knowing very well she was betraying you. I believe that there is more to this than what she is telling you. A woman in love and who is religious does not behave like this.