How do you start over? I mean all I have known for the past 20 years is my wife, my children and my "family lifestyle".How do you just change direction and pretend she does'nt have a place in your life anymore? It is so difficult to just put her out of my mind, not to think about where she is, what she's doing and who with. Do I sound obbsessive? She seems to think so. I realize she does not want a relationship with me anymore. I so miss not having my children and her to come home to and share my daily activities with. Someone to interact with. Know what I mean? She tells me I need to find someone and we are not even divorced yet! She has found someone, though she does not admit it, and I am still in love with her. She has done so many things to me and or children that I should have lots of reasons to not be in love with her. I know time will help. Freinds tell me to prove to her that you can have a life without her but where do you start and how do you put it behind you?

<small>[ September 09, 2003, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: adamv ]</small>

Adam,

Hi. It is very very hard. I don't know anything about your situation, but whether there ultimately is hope or not, you need to take care of your own immediate needs right now. Depression can be overwhelming. Learn to recognize its symptoms and have a list of things you can do when you feel it coming on. Things like taking a walk/run/hike/bike. Call a friend. Journaling, working on the car/house/garden.

To build a new life is hard, too, because it is not a normal activity for you. Browse through the community college catelog and take course in something new or interesting. Join a club. Start a new hobby.

I am not sure if you have joint custody with your kids, but focus on the time that you have with them. Make all your moments count as best as you can. I know. I struggle with this too. I have them 60% but the days I don't seem lonely because they and my family were my life. Now I and you have to find new pieces of ourselves to fill the hole left behind from the separation.

None of these things will hurt you, your children, or your chances of reconcilliation should that ever become an option. I hope I have helped. I feel your sadness and you are not alone.

LL

First of all, don't expect to be able to "put it behind you" quickly. Be patient with yourself, because the road is long and hard. How do you start over? One step at a time. Sometimes it's a day at a time, and sometimes it's a minute at a time, but you just...keep going. After a while you realize that if you have already made it through thousands of minutes, chances are good that you will be able to get through the next minute as well.

How do you put your wife out of your mind? I never figured out how to do that, and I gave up trying. Instead I focused on what I should do when my wife inevitably did come to mind. I prayed for her, which not only got the focus off of myself and what she had done to me, but reminded me that I was in God's hands.

Distraction is a good idea, because you don't want to deliberately dwell on your pain. If you can find something to do that builds your sense of self-worth, so much the better, but recognize that maintaining good concentration may be a problem for a while. I found that sometimes I had to get absorbed in some form of escapist entertainment for any kind of respite.

Your wife's suggestion that you need to find someone new is mostly her guilt speaking. If you develop a new relationship, then your wife won't have to feel so guilty about what she did. The fact is, until you are able to stop "obsessing" about your wife, it is an extremely bad idea for to get involved with someone of the opposite sex. Doing so might well provide a sense of relief, but it will not be possible to build a healthy relationship, and the chances of causing and being hurt are extremely high. (In fact, I found that when I was largely healed and believed I was ready to begin a new relationship, the revival of feelings that had long remained dormant brought back old associations, much like the reopening of old wounds.)

And remember that although you have to "let go" of your wife, it is OK to love her - and to hope for reconciliation. Loving her will hurt, but cultivating hatred will destroy you.

I must say----I too am having trouble starting a new life. What is a new life? learning to live alone or finding someone else??? I never lived alone, hate living alone and poured my whole self into my family. My boys left home in their twentys but that empty nest can't compare with the hollow hole that I live in daily now as a separated women.

Keeping busy does help but ya have to come home to emptiness at some time.

BUT I feel so much better than I did a year ago when I first moved into my apartment so that gives me hope that I will continue to not be so effected by this huge life change forever. Time does heal if you are willing to face the feelings and grow, grow, grow. Self-awareness is a valuable tool in this game called life. There is nothing wrong with feeling sad, alone, missing loved ones, anger etc. Face these feelings and let them teach you about yourself. You will be amazed at how you buried your real self in others. I know I did.

TW