Hello everyone-

I haven't posted here in months although I still lurk from time to time. It has been a year and a half since my divorce and two and a half years since my ex husband left me three months pregnant with our fourth child to pursue a new life with the OW. Overall life is going great. My kids have adjusted very well, I am involved with a wonderful man, and I have a great job. I am a divorce success story!

My problem is that my X has decided to take me back to court because he has decided he wants 50/50 placement of our kids. We currently are sitting at 83/17 so it is a major change. He is still with the OW and they are engaged. They just recently purchased a house together and it came as no coincidence to me that he got an accepted offer on the house one day and filed custody papers the next. In his papers he claims he needs more money and has to work excessive overtime just to make ends meet. He said he would also like more time with the kids.

My X is an alcoholic. He claims to be in recovery, but has been there multiple times before. He has been arrested twice for DUI's in the past year and has spent four months in jail because of it. He makes no real attempt to spend extra time with our kids right now because he has other things that he has to do. When I asked him how he thinks he could have them 50 percent of the time he claims that if we went to 50/50 when it would be his time he would simply leave the kids with her while he did these things. Actually he told me that if I died they would have to make it so they could make it now.

I know it is more of a money issue than anything. He has made it clear that he thinks he pays to much although he is paying less than the state formula says. He says he wants to get on with his life and needs more money. Although he says that he is just getting by he has an expensive SUV and the house that he just bought is almost worth almost double what mine is worth. The OW is just out of college and hasn't found a job. Rumor has it that she wants to get married soon, have a baby and be a stay at home mom.

I know I am rambling, but I guess I would like some advice from people who have encountered this in their lives so I know how to best present my case because I know he will take me to court just because he can irregardless of the outcome. I currently take a daily log of what we do, what I spend, and when they are with him or when he calls.

I firmly believe my kids are better off with me and I will fight to keep it this way. I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Thanks!

Take care and God bless!

Kim

((((Kim))))

Because he wants to change in no way means anything will happen. Many judges around these parts will NEVER order 50/50 unless parties agree. Primarily because the increased amount of commincation that is required. They feel that if you can't agree on it then how can you impliment it....

There is also a thing called "Right of 1st Refusal" that would say that if he is working you have dibs on the kids and vice versa.

If he has the ability to be a good a father then I'm all for a more liberal parenting plan. If this is for the money, then I wouldn't stand for it.

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers

Thanks Bill-

We are in WI which is although not necessarily pro 50/50, is for maximum placement within the boundaries of individual circumstance.

We do have right of first refusal and he has not stuck to it already so I know he has no thoughts to stick to it if his placement increases.

If I thought he was well intended I wouldn't fight it, but in addition to his many issues he has always been a father of convenience. If it works for him or helps him get what he wants he is all for it, if not don't bother. I do not want to subject my kids to this.

Thanks for your thoughts,
Take care and God bless,
K

Just a bump I could really use some input.

K

Hello!

I haven't posted in awhile either.

Here to say - stick to your guns and don't be intimidated by exH.

You just laid out all the crummy reasons for his actions and others will see him for who and what he is just as you do.

My ex still plays the same games and it is very hard not to get sucked into his trap.

Even today I was thinking about listening to him and giving him the custody that he wants just to get him off my back and thinking that perhaps he has changed, but no, thank God my attorney talked some sense back into me.

When you deal with the exes you get sucked into their reality, their crazed world, and you can't let yourself do it - remember, it's their reality not the true reality.

Standing up for your kids is the best thing that you can do. It's for their emotional health and well being, and then if you give it your best shot and things still don't pan out, well then you have to trust that God is still in charge.

I wish that the exes would just live their lives and quit bothering us, but that is not in their nature and it's what caused them to act up in the first place.

I am praying for may blessings for you and your family.

Stay strong.

K

Stick to your guns. I would think the DUI and being in jail for 4 months within the last year would be a concern to the courts.

Reeling
As you said your ex's interest is not seeing the kids more often it's avoiding to pay you. He's probably wanting 50/50 placement (joint physical custody) to avoid paying child support. He probably thinks it will be cheaper to keep the kids half the time than pay you to keep them more than 80% of the time. I would advise you to plan out a very thorough financial plan detailing ALL childcare expenses down to the food and put it in writing that he will be responsible for exactly half the amount. You need to prove to him that it will be more expensive to keep the kids 50/50. Don't forget his girlfriend will not want to deal with your children and she may be your best ally in this (although she doesn't have to know it). She will surely get him to back down if she gets the idea that it will take more money and effort to keep your kids more often especially if she is going to have to be the one that physically deals with your kids during your ex's absence.
I have joint physical custody with 50/50 placement with my ex now. Naturally he doesn't pay me any child support but has started to let me keep my daughter extra on his time so he can move on with his life. His insistence on joint physical cutody with 50/50 placement during the divorce was just a ploy to avoid paying child support and it worked.

Thank you for all the support. Having been away for awhile I have forgotten what a wonderful place this is.

You are all right, his past record is bound to affect him, but is nerve wracking none-the-less knowing that he and the OW are living in their own world and are willing to push things irregardless of the truth.

GIIC-

It is so great to hear from you. I think of you often as our stories so parallel each other. You sound so positive. I would love an update!

Ruby-

Thanks for the insight. Now that your X is starting to spend less time what are you planning to do? I know my X and the OW see this as a monetary thing and so now in addition to keeping a daily log of what we do, his contact, etc., I am documenting all expenses as well. My X never sticks to anything and the OW is so young and inexperienced that I know the reality of 50/50 would wear them down very quickly and I once again would be taking care of everything. It is so unfair.

As GIIC said, "I wish they would just live their lives and quit bothering us, but that is not in their nature and it's what caused them to act up in the first place." This is so true. I mean he put me through years of suffering, had the affair, left me at three months pregnant with our fourth child, etc., etc. yet I not only survived, I am propering! My life is so much better away from him. I just want to live it, but he keeps on messing with me.

Thanks again for all the advice. I wish you all the best and if you think of anything let me know.

Take care and God bless!

K