Hi. Been a long time since I posted but I'm at an impass looking for answers. I have no original though right now, so I hope you can help me.

I've been separated for almost 3 years. WH filed for divorce 2 years ago and it is still pending his paperwork. He wants to try to reconcile now.

After his affair of a year, he moved out and I then became involved with another man way way too soon. Husband viewed this as betrayal to him. Husband took many (8-10) months to recover from his affair and eventually started dating another woman whom he just recently broke up with after a year. I dated the other man for about 1 year plus and have now been really alone for 9 months and it's been a challenge to learn how to do that. In May I asked H to go to counseling with me to see if there was anything left. After 4 sessions he told me no and I was also feeling like there was little hope, so I took that as the way things were going to be and have been trying to accept that since then.

Now that he has broken up with his girlfriend, he is asking me to reconcile again. I can't handle the roller coaster anymore and I feel guilty for standing my ground. I still feel like a cop out. In addition to his pre-marital affair 12 years ago and the one 3 years ago, he made several physical passed at me during his dating the new girlfriend. I asked him if he thought that would be ok with her and told him that I felt violated. He has put spy software on my computer and peeked in my windows at night (I called the cops because I thought I had a stalker and it took him 8 months to fess up and of me living in fear). During our marriage internet porn was an issue. His major complaints of me were not allowing enough freedom to do what he wanted and of being overbearing about alcohol consumption (he is not an alcoholic but I have issues with patterns - a beer every night bothers me).

To sum it up, I have no trust. My walls are so high I can't even imagine working on things. I am fearful of failing again and putting my boys (12 and 7) through more turmoil. I have tried to figure out a way to get around my walls but with no success. When I analyze what it is I would be working for it would be for my dream of an in tact family. I no longer miss my husband.

My question is this: Is there a way I can get around these walls and the trust issues I have to make this marriage work or should I stay my course and work on trying to find a way to cope with my guilt for not working on the marriage any longer?

Thanks to anyone who has an insight.

Hmmm...really would like anybody's thoughts on this....

I really don't know how to advise you. My heart is very much for reconciliation and I know it's possible even after such things as your marriage has gone through. I have read testimonies of restored marriages even after affairs.

I do know that such "crazy" behavior (peeking in windows, etc) can be the result of an unstable mind caused by adultery and the emotional upheaval of divorce. And what I mean is this: two normal and healthy people can become two unhealthy, unstable, and "crazy" people in the midst of such horrible, heart-wrenching things... their own sin (like your husband's affair) and their circumstances (marriage problems).

I don't think I'm stating this well, but I believe that marital problems bring out the worst in us... to the point that we do and say things that seem very awful (like peeking in windows), but even the most stable person is capable of such things when their world is falling apart and they feel out of control, or when they are sinning in such ways as committing adultery which is certain to destroy them in the end (their conscience and clear mind).

Anyways, there are certainly some serious things in your marriage. Obviously I don't know all the circumstances, but I will say... and I may stand alone in this and it might sound crazy... but... well, I always encourage reconciliation. Even simply for the sake of your children. Divorce is truly a very, very painful and awful thing. So is adultery. I think the best outcome of your situation would be if your husband was sincere and if both of you, together, worked to forgive and restore your marriage. But that would not be easy and would take both of you committing to that. It would probably also be very difficult to do on your own and would need support of a counselor/pastor/church. To me, that would be the best thing. But, I am an outsider looking in and honestly, I cannot rightly advise you since I do not know you or your husband.

I know that God hates divorce. He also hates adultery. He does permit divorce when there has been adultery. It does not have to happen though. Adultery, like anything, can be forgiven if a person chooses to forgive. An adulterer, as a result of that forgiveness given to them, can change. I don't know if you know the Lord, but I know He can help your husband change and can repair what's been broken. But, really, I can not tell you what to do or if your husband would change, etc.

God can heal the most broken of people and relationships. If you do not know God though in a personal way, then I would say that there is not much hope of reconciliation. Even with the Lord, it certainly would not be easy... but yet, possible.

I guess I would suggest that you pray about this and maybe a pastor or counselor can help you sort out the issues (although some counselors can do more harm than good so be wise in who you would go to). Ultimately, you will decide what it is you want to do. I do know that divorce is a difficult thing. You will be a single mother and your children will probably deal with the affects of it when they are adults. In fact, studies show that all children of divorced parents deal with things as adults. I know I have because my parents divorced.

I believe the very best thing would be reconciliation but obviously minus your husband having an affair or looking at pornography. I believe that God hears our prayers when we are seeking Him and obeying Him, and I believe that you should bathe this in prayer if you know the Lord.

Well, I feel like I've said alot and yet a little of nothing! Maybe something I've said helps.

I hope and pray that God gives you wisdom as you make this decisionl.

Is your husband willing to go to Counseling and to stay with it this time, not only that but to really talk frankly/honestly and to drop this spy software, internet porno stuff? Also to say that he will NOT do chat/IM stuff with others online? I would definitely take his answers to those questions as a clear indication of where he wants to go and how serious he really is to committing to YOU and YOU ONLY.
Also, LMX had excellent advice for you.
Please keep us posted on how things go with husband.
God bless you both, Harold

Learning,

I, too, have had a similar "weirdo" type situation. I have been married almost 14 years, and while I can honestly say that it has been good, it has certainly had its rough spots. I would have to say that the last year and a half have been excessively rough. My H had a one night fling with a mutual acquaintance of ours about 12 years ago - right after we first married. He didn't confess it until some issues came up and he "had to" because of the effect it would have on his military career. We reconciled (we had no children at the time). We moved to another state - to be by his family - against my wishes, but I did it anyway after the birth of our first son.

We lived on the east coast for two years. It was much more costly to live there, and my husband and I were struggling to make ends meet. We worked opposite shifts, and he sometimes worked overtime to the point where I would spend days at a time without seeing him, just because of our opposite schedules. He fell into a pattern with some family members and also some old friends in his "spare time" which left me alone in a place far from my family also. I then was the one who had a one night stand, which I kept secret.

We had our second son when our oldest was 2-1/2. My husband then worked more than ever, and I was experiencing more depression than I had after the birth of the baby. I had his family, but that somehow didn't seem enough. I looked to OM that I worked with, and we started an EA which led to a PA which lasted 2-3 months. I eventually confessed all to my husband, who said he had a dream that I was cheating. He agreed to move us back near to my family, and we reconciled again 7 years ago, with the intent that moving away would solve the problem and "leave it behind for good".

(I can't even really say this, but....) To make a long story short (ha), the trust never really returned on his part. At first, I felt that this was justified, but after 6 years, I sort of thought it was excessive, unnecessary, and downright just plain peeved me off that I could be as pure as driven snow, or I could be having another affair, and my husband would still think I was.

Anyway, I picked up a guy in the bar. I allowed him into our home, and I kissed him, but we never went all the way. I was convicted, and stopped it before it happened. Still, I confessed this to my husband, which brought everything from our past back to the surface. Eventually this led to me filing this past January, because at that time I thought it was my only option to stop us from hurting each other any more. I changed my mind less than a month later, and asked for reconciliation. Now my husband feels that he wants the divorce, and I do not.

I don't know what to say about trust; if it can be rebuilt, etc. All I know is that, if I could take back the hurt I have caused, I sure would.

Sorry so long, but I know where you are sis...God bless, and I hope you are able to accomplish this task. PS, if ya do, will you tell ME how????

Learning- Guilt will eat you up inside, reguardless of the situation. I too have walked/walking in your shoes. WH had numberous A. I finally got "backbone", as Lyxa puts it, and left. I got into a relationship with a co-worker way too soon and H felt betrayed. I cannot say that I didn't do it outta spite...afterall he did it in our marriage and now that was over, I was going to get mine. Not healthy at all in mind! I ended it, because of emotional rollercoaster and the guilt. Guilt that legally, not mentally still married, guilt for STBX H (at the time) and for OM- he was falling in love with me and I didn't want to hurt him since I couldn't reciprocate.

Jump forward 1+yrs- WH and I are starting to consider Recon. However, my walls are so high that I'm not sure I can meet the needs that were lacking in the first place, which created this mess. I think about divorce and starting over with a "clean slate", but there never really is a clean slate. The fact that my WH has really put forth effort to show me change and is willing to go to MC is all that's kept me around.

I don't know your full situation, but hopefully in that 3 yrs you've both done some soul searching. I'm not in a position to give the best advice, but what's helped me is to no that we're all human and faliable. Look at your husband as the person he is now, not the person whose hurt you in the past. Does he have qualities you would find appealing in a spouse? If so, cultivate on that. If not-well you know!