It will be culture shock to get out of here.
Between not being able to relate to H and H accusing me of gossip if I relate to others, it's been a very isolating existence (apart from the computer contacts). We used to have a good social life before our baby died 8 yrs ago, but everybody stayed away and H hasn't cooperated toward re-establishing any contacts. I really think something went dead in him & he's not been the same since. <p>I am worried about a friend caught in a marital dilemma... her H is an ACoA, accuses her of things he makes up in his head (like affairs), etc. Yesterday she wrote to me: "I am working every day on this relationship....
Even on the good days it is not necessarily easy. The thoughts come...the memories... the unkind words... the looks... my heart aches... my
stomach wants to throw up. It's just a daily thing. But my kids have come so far since I've been working on this and it is what I feel God
wants me to do. He didn't want me to leave."<p>MB friends, what do you know about an ACoA's chances of becoming a real marriage partner?
I fear she's staying too long. How do you counter this "God wants me to stay now?" She's been battling it 19 yrs, although he became a Christian a few years back and maybe that is giving her hope?

Renae:<p>You are right that things may be quite different once you are out of the emotional bondage. Interesting that he doesn't want others to know about your situation-- Did your therapists tell you that this too-- is the mark of an abuser/a controller? You see, if you tell the dirty secret-- it exposes him-- in all of his glory-- plus, it takes his power out of the situation! Power exisits when the secret is intact. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your child, and his decline in dealing with all that it means--<p>
I realize that you care for your friend.. and are trying to support her- maybe even get some dual support as you make yourself a new road to travel... but-- my sense is
(& YOU MAY NOT WANT TO HEAR this) <p>that this over-focus could be a "distractor" to you---and what YOU NEED TO DO><p>(Yes, ACOA can make a marriage work.. I hv witness many-- they are with their problems.. just a different kind than the rest of us experience...)<p>The important thing at this time.. is YOU/ the kids.. making their lives a safe place for them and you. In truth, and I don't intend this to offend-- but-- the focus / energy really needs to be upon your situation--planning, seeking counsel, and the doing-- <p>ALthough trying to convince/help a friend in what they need is commendable--- it is more important that YOU grow in this place tht you find yourself in--rather than trying to give extra energy to someone who needs to sort the issues out--<p>Perhaps in time, your energy can be directed there-- but-- misdirecting your focus-- will give you a temporary form of self-medication--
(focusing on someone else's pain- rahter than your own) and will do nothing to strengthen your resolve/ planning-- but interfer with it. In therapy we call it "triangling"---misdirecting your energy to someone else or something else-- to avoid the anxiety / work that is needed to deal with your own situation.<p>Keep your eye on the goal !
D

Yes!...going forward....

ITherapist, you are right to avoid distractors and to stay focused on my own situation. He's got to be out of here after Christmas--PERIOD!!!!!<p>We took D to Mayo on the 18th. On the way there, I was filling out some paperwork for the appointment and needed to ask H & D only a couple questions, but H told me sharply, controllingly, angrily, firmly to shut up, he said he didn't want to hear anything out of me when he's driving, as if he can't concentrate. Then the very next minute he's joking around with D and continued on this nonsense most of the time until we got there (over an hour). I've been noticing the girls telling me to shut up lately....it is high time to get them away from him! Whenever we walked from parking lots or offices, he was side by side with D and ignored me. <p>The gastroenterologist prescribed a new pill for D to try for two months; it maintains a higher level of seratonin in the brain to give her more energy and hopefully will reduce nausea. Pray it works! He said though her organs all appear fine and functional, she definitely has a physical problem caused by that flu she had a couple yrs ago. (But obviously the stress at home isn't helping her.)<p>H's father is currently treating H similar in some ways to how H treats me and H is devastated. H insisted I stop my work and listen to him, etc.(as usual--I exist to support him only) He minimized the abusive way he treats me, told me I get treated good compared to how he gets treated and I should have nothing to complain about!!!! GRRRRRRR!! His immaturity is unbelievable.<p>I'm tired of all of this. I keep guarded and can hardly wait 'til after Christmas for him to leave permanently.

It is now officially after Christmas. <p>Renae,<p>Do you have an attorney officially retained now?<p>Is your H out of your house yet?<p>Is your sick daughter in some serious psychotherapy with you for your problems induced by the lifetime of abuse?<p>Do you have a horror story about the Christmas party for us?<p>This is YOUR LIFE! my dear, don't take it lying down.<p>Karenna

BIG NEWS about D!!....Got a doctor phone call from Mayo late yesterday....The metabolic test done in Dec. came out normal on each part EXCEPT for the part that indicates the cause of nausea!! That part was confusing and abnormal. Need to go back to Mayo on Friday for additional testing, which takes 3-4 weeks for results. <p>I am SO THRILLED after more than two years of this nauseating nightmare to have this breakthrough, to finally get an abnormal test!!
An untreated physical condition, obviously has psychological consequences... she is so entirely overwhelmed with this alone, that I can't throw
a marital split on the fire for her no matter how badly I need it emotionally. My time is surely coming but what's best for the kids at the moment is #1, as it should be throughout this process.<p>[ January 03, 2002: Message edited by: Renae ]</p>

Have some excerpts from your own recent post:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Renae:
<strong>ITherapist, you are right to avoid distractors and to stay focused on my own situation. He's got to be out of here after Christmas--PERIOD!!!!!<p> I've been noticing the girls telling me to shut up lately....it is high time to get them away from him! Whenever we walked from parking lots or offices, he was side by side with D and ignored me. <p>She definitely has a physical problem caused by that flu she had a couple yrs ago. (But obviously the stress at home isn't helping her.)<p>(as usual--I exist to support him only) He minimized the abusive way he treats me, told me I get treated good compared to how he gets treated and I should have nothing to complain about!!!! GRRRRRRR!! His immaturity is unbelievable.<p>I'm tired of all of this. I keep guarded and can hardly wait 'til after Christmas for him to leave permanently.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Yeah, yeah, yeah. Justification. Once again. Don't you get the picture.

She obviously has her entire identity locked into this situation. Even though they haven't found anything specific about D's nausea, Renae feels that she must continue the dance of destruction and power struggles with the whole family involved and clearly will not go to a psychologically healthy position and will use the child's symptoms as an excuse to not change a thing. <p>Would Renae even notice if all the children become carbon copies of dad? <p>Obviously Renae considers that her D is strong enough to learn abuse and disrespect by first hand demponstrations from her father, but D couldn't possible learn to cope or ever be happy without the anger and abuse going on in front of her. Therefore, until D is dead, D will continue to be an excuse. Even if she moves out of the house or gets married herself in 15 years or so. Unless D is just the excuse of the moment.<p>Renae, your daughter may never move out or get well. And you will NEVER make him leave, or leave yourself. Not until you face reality.<p>Is there any truth left in this person?