Oh.... where to begin. Where TO begin...?

One of the most salient difficulties I had with my ex during our marriage was how to raise our children. Specifically my oldest boy, now 10. My ex is a 4th grade teacher, by which title she claims to have superior knowledge on the education and upbringing of children.

For 5 years we have butted heads about how to educate our oldest boy. My youngest just started 1st grade, and has not been an issue as yet. My oldest is 99th percentile in the state, in challenge program, is one of the smartest people I know... and gets Ds and Fs in class... My ex, being the expert believes that he must be cajoled and rewarded to do better. She has half heartedly and inconsistently attempted this for 5 years. It has not worked. He has no initiative. He has no desire. He can play any video game known to man and he knows Yu Gi Oh and Pokemon better than the creators.

She has repeatedly refused to have him do his homework at school, where she keeps them while she finishes up her day (being a teacher). She says it is 'too hard to make him do his homework' 'he whines and begs, and I can't take it, so I let him go' etc. This is the most consistent thing she has ever said and done during our entire marriage. Her inability and lack of desire to be a parent rather than a 'friend' which is what she ACTUALLY calls them rather than 'son' or something denoting the actual blood relationship.

Anyway, the most hurtful thing I ever heard her say was 'Why should I be punished and have to make him do his homework?' and this is a QUOTE and it was repeated. She is so self absorbed and clueless about parenting. I told her to tell him to sit down and do his homework. That is all she has to do, and follow through with it. She doesn't have to sit there and watch him at all times. She has to EXPECT and REQUIRE that he do it, and NOT give in and NOT allow him to even start whining. I told her that if she would be strong and consistent for even 2 weeks, he would understand that it won't work, and quit. But she wasn't willing to put in the 2 weeks. It was too hard on HER.

Today, similar situation. She allows them to watch TV after school WHILE STILL AT SCHOOL, and then is 'surprised' that homework is rushed or incompletely finished, reading isn't completed, etc. She blames HIM... but sees absolutely NO part of the problem within herself. Which is COMPLETELY consistent with how she approaches EVERYTHING, and always has been. She said that she wouldn't allow him to watch TV until his homework was completed well. I asked her, "Why does a 10 year old who is as smart as our boy, but FAILING even have the OPTION of TV???" No response... I know it is because it is easy for her to 'plug them in'. I wish so much that I could just have them after school myself. And I am really thinking about hiring a nanny to be with them during my days, because at least half the time actually learning is better than the time they spend under her 'care/supervision/TV'.

She said she met with the teacher today. I asked her why she didn't tell me there was a meeting, I would have taken time off. I asked her what the plan was... completely superficial "I will do better" was the plan. I asked her how it was going to be implimented. "He will just have to do it." I asked her how that is different than 'her' plan for the last 4 years? She actually looked up at my son who was standing there and said "Do you see what I have to deal with because of YOU?" I said 'What are you talking about?' She said "Here I am defending him..." I said, "NO! you are blaming him for YOU not doing your part of being a parent." Your inability to be consistent. YOUR inability to put your children first for even 2 Weeks. Your inability to accept that perhaps YOUR way WILL NOT WORK and our boy is suffering because of it.

I absolutely know that I have made mistakes in all arenas of my life. Including my children and my marriage. But I look at them and change. She simply thinks she is 'right' because it is easiest for her, and that is that. She blames our boy because he is 10 years old and tries to get out of doing homework. She has taught him how to get out of it. I tell him to sit and do his homework. 30 minutes later it is done and he asks me to check it over. I don't have to sit and harangue him. I don't have to entice him. I don't have to threaten him. He respects that I will not take any crap and he doesn't even come close to giving me any. I DON'T beat him or anything like that. I am sure he would probably rather I did, than hear some of my 'lectures', but all in all... he does very well while at our house.

We ensure that even though he is only with me for Mon/Tue that all or almost all his homework is completed for the WEEK. He has told me countless times of his own accord that his mother helps him very little, or says "that is good enough... even when I know it isn't as good as I can do." HIS WORDS. But what kid is going to say, 'NO MOM... I can do better. I will sit here and work for 10 more minutes instead of go play video games while you talk on the phone.' Probably few...

What kills me is that I see his time slipping away and his education suffer. I see his self esteem low, NOT because I get after him, but because he KNOWS he can do better in himself, but also is fighting the 'kid' that wants to just have fun all the time. I really believe this. He can tell me everything that he did wrong on his homework, but then states it happened because he 'rushed'. I ask him 'Why he rushed?' and he tells me so he could 'go play' or 'watch TV'.

How do you work with a child who is smarter and better than anyone you know. But who you see loosing his shot at actually BEING as good as he can be because his parents can't be consistent. I know she thinks I am too strict. I know it. I also know that when we are consistent with him he blossoms. It has happened in the past while we were together and I could get her to consistently adhere to a mutual plan. But that requires WORK on her part. And as little sway as I held as her husband is 'anti-sway' now that we are divorced.

She loves him. I know she does. But she did poorly in school, and even though she is a teacher and wants better for her students. She is not WILLING to do herself what she blasts parents of her classroom children for not doing. She is hypocritical to the nth degree. She is so narcissistic that she blames everyone for everything... today even her son... for her own choices.

Any suggestions? I won't give up. And even if I have to simply use her way as a foil to show my son how NOT to do things, I will. But I would rather have him taught consistently. I will tell you... I have given so much over his education that I can hardly recognize my basis at times. I have gone to her side so much... so many times that there has been NO remnant of what I would have chosen to do had I the choice. So it is not 'my way or the highway'. But by doing so, I have allowed my child to suffer, because even as I was allowing it and participating in the way she wanted, I knew that it wasn't right. I simply hoped that some good would still be had. But now at 5th grade... he doesn't have the luxery of waiting out the laziness of his mother. I would take them completely and take full responsibility for them if I could. I would never want to take them from her. But I fear for the good of my children. She loves them. I know she does. They love her. But the way she loves them is going to hurt them in the future. And I can't just stand by and watch it happen.

Any help???

<small>[ September 10, 2003, 07:00 AM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

Wow what a vent!!!!!Help probably not from me, I am sorry.

Your son sounds alot like my 21 yo son, has the IQ of a Genius but is un-employed at this time. Did not go to college, that was to much work. Can play any video game, wants to write them, but doesn't, to much work. 5th grade is when things really went south for my son. I had a spouse that traveled for his job 2 or 3 weeks out of every month, so I was the one having "making" my kids do their homework and such. Dad changed jobs and was home, so I thought let him get the kids homeowrk and such done, didn't happen, dad was playing racquetball, golfing or bowling when homework was needing to be done, son had lost respect for me and doing his homework was no longer important.

This was a kid that wouldn't do homeowrk and got horrible grades, had a friend that couldn't do his homework and worked so hard at it and was so mad at my son cause he wouldn't do it.

I love my son dearly and am so very disappointed in what he has chosen to do with his life at this time. I pray daily that he finds his way back and gets back to school or does something with his life, this was my little boy that at 3 picked up a book and could read it, tested him at a 5th grade level. It's very hard to accept that this is where he is in life now!!! But I do!!! And I love him!!!

I guess I needed to vent to!!!!

I guess the point that I wanted to make was get this nipped in the butt now. Is it possible that the boys be with you for an hour or two nightly to get school work done? Maybe have the boys three nights a week and get done as much as possible. Work on having your son see that it is his responsibilty to do the homework, reward him in some way for doing his homework on his own when with mom. Show him that doing homework is important when with either mom or dad!! Just some thoughts.

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Have you had him tested for ADD/ADHD. Most ADD students are very intelligent. They just can't focus.

Your story sounds so similar, and it was the 5th grade that we realized we could not continue in the struggle and had him tested. You know, the child doesn't like getting fussed at continuosly anymore than we (parents) like fussing.

My son was on dexadrine throughout high school, and he realized what it did for him. If he forgot his medicine, he would call by 8:15 or 8:30 asking us to bring it to him. In fact, after high school he went to Vo-Tech (electrician), and he begged me to find him a doctor that would give him his medicine (pediatrician drops them at 18 or graduation).

If it is ADD/ADHD it is not simply a matter of doing better. I want to also add that the treatment also involves more than medication. It is about getting them organized and self-discipline.

What is the issue here? Your wife's parenting skills or your son's education?

I think firstly you have to concentrate on the problem that appears to bother you the most -- your son's education. Whether your ex parents the way YOU want her to parent is of no concern to you (of course unless she is blatently putting the child in danger -- I doubt your *points* on how she *parents* and *supervises homework* won't bode well in court. Just my opinion).

Children are a strange group... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Have you talked to his teachers? Have you had any input on different ways of presenting the material so he understands the concepts that they are trying to teach? (i.e. having him do a hands-on project rather than writing an essay?) He has no initiative. He has no desire. Perhaps between you and the teacher, you can tackle this so that he does have that passion to learn. He can play any video game known to man and he knows Yu Gi Oh and Pokemon better than the creators. Maybe the teacher can suggest he write down something that *could* be used as a video game for certain subjects...have HIM create a game that would teach children X,Y or Z?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is so self absorbed and clueless about parenting. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What I learned through this divorce process is my husband is a JERK. Well, in all honesty, he is NOTHING like that -- he just doesn't parent the same way that I do. I place *my* values and my *beliefs* on how *I THINK* he should parent. When he doesn't, I am the one that is horribly hurt and offended. Meantime the kids pick up on it and realize that's how they can play this little game. My ex too didn't do anything for the kids when it came to homework. What I DID though was approach the school MYSELF and talk to each of their teachers and develop a strategy that I could follow -- totally taking the ex out of the picture. IF the ex wanted to participate, fine, but it was clear to the kids what the expectations were and what the repercussion of NOT doing their work in school would be. Responsibility was placed ON THE KIDS. Your boy is 10 years old -- old enough to realize that video games can and will take a back seat to homework. So many times my kids would complain that I was the *mean* one and that I didn't give an inch. Flash forward to my 20 year old today who wrote an English term paper for college saying how much she appreciated me laying out a firm foundation for her and letting her face the consequences to HER own actions.

The only one who can be consistent is YOU. Follow through and if it takes doing all his homework when he's with you -- then so be it. I found the BEST source of support were the teachers. I went in and explained the situation and told them I would do anything to get them through this. They appreciate people who are true to their word. I value their input and it has paid off in the long run. The youngest one is now on the honor roll after *he* said it was too *hard* to supervise her.

Good luck! It CAN be done!

FC ----

Your son is old enough to start doing this on his own. You will have to instill in him the importance of being self reliant in this area.... much like getting dressed in the morning. He wouldn't go out without his pants on, so he needs to realize that he can't go to school without his work done.

Quite often one parent or the other lacks the skills to PARENT children. They have to be taught or at least willing to learn - and many are not.

Your wife is not an exception. Many teachers (and other professionals) do not actually HAVE parenting skills. They are great at mob-control and instruction - but their parenting skills are lacking.

PArenting is a developed skill - and we develop it as we raise our children - some of us develop better than others.

Jan

Agree with others here as to the fact YOU are just gonna have to be that responsible parent. Missed talking with you btw..

Anyhow, you must remember this. My aunt in CA once told me this pearl of wisdom..."A leopard is a leopard and a tiger is a tiger. One has spots and the other has stripes. They can't change." Accept her limitations and be the best dad you can be. If the problems persist, then maybe you can have something legally done about it. She, x, may need some legal reinforcement about her side of parenting. Such as an amendment to the decree about "positively encouraging and helping children excel academically is both parents' responsibility". She's a blamer and you gotta accept her the way she is. You don't have to like or be around or enable her. But just know her for who she is. Like I feel about Jethro. I can't change him. He'd have to do that alone and that's one job that is huuuuuge. So I just know he's gonna be a jerk. Remember who once told me to "expect the worst?". That was you.

Hope all other than this is going great.

This sounds completely familiar to me. I keep reading that it is best for the children when divorced parents join forces and try to parent as a team, albeit a fractured one. I would be completely willing to do so if I was dealing with someone who put his kids before himself. Unfortunately, his approach to parenting sounds like your ex-wife's - What is easiest? What will put me out the least? And this man is a superintendent! His new wife (OW) is a principal! Her ex husband has custody of the kids, and for good reason. Even when she was my best friend, I knew she was not a good mother. Oops, small tangent on the point about educators not always being fabulous parents. (I'm a teacher too, and I, of course, am fabulous. hehehe)

I agree with everyone that you can do nothing about how your ex parents. Anything you point out will not be taken constructively be her, and will be conceived as a personal attack. It was a point of contention when you were married, so it can't be better now that you are divorced. The only thing I can think of is setting up a situation where she would hear the information on what she needs to do from someone other than you, like a conference with a counselor or his teacher. But that sounds a little complicated since she is teaching in his school. Obviously she knows what she needs to do, but she is unwilling to do so.

I just leave my ex out of anything like that. I wouldn't send homework with my daughter on the weekends she is with him, for example. But it is easier for me because they only go two weekends a month. I think if I were you, I would speak to a family therapist, maybe one who could speak with your son as well? And then maybe he could be the one to come up with a plan with your son, and then your wife wouldn't be able to deny there was an issue? Or that her inconsistant behavior was harming your son? I absolutely agree that he needs to learn accountability, but I don't think he will be learning that from her.

My daughter had an issue with my ex husband's bad language use around her. She brought it up to our family therapist, who e-mailed her dad about it. That way it wasn't me attacking him.

Good luck. I was just thinking yesterday that I thought parenting was difficult with my ex when we were married, and how glad I am that I don't have a daily struggle over it anymore. But big issues become even bigger and made personal in a divorce situation, I'm afraid, when we all have our own agendas as well. That is not a comment on your behavior, FC, but just what I was thinking yesterday. Hope it all works out!
Krista

Thanks all.

I pretty much agree, I have to just do it myself. I essentially did it myself while we were married. She thinks that because she is 'responsible' for them after school, that she is actually 'doing' something for them. What she doesn't understand is that a 14 year old could take her responsibility after school, and I would have more faith that the 14 year old would be responsible enough to say "Sit down and do your homework."

I have Monday afternoons off, I think that I will volunteer at school at least a couple times a month. I have to show my boys that school is important. They see it now as just a place to go 'with mom'. Nothing about it is special. Nothing about it is interesting.

I received an email from her saying that he hadn't turned done his homework. I HAD done it with him the night before and I KNEW he had it in his bookbag. I left work and showed up at school and asked to have him brought to the office. I can tell you, I think it made an impression on him. He was really surprised to see me there. Funny thing is, this type of stuff always occurs the days that she is responsible for them. It is like they understand there will be no consequences because they are with her, so no big deal. So I am taking her out of the loop. I have discussed things directly with his teacher. My boy came home with an 'A' and extra credit points on EVERY paper since that day.

I will not relent. He is too precious to me to allow him to be less than he is. My youngest boy LOVES school, and is reading several grades above level... (I know, get used to the bragging about my boys, OK!!!) They have so much potential, but I really feel like she not only is NOT helping them, but is actually detrimental to them because as an 'authority figure' she is saying that being lazy and sloppy is OK.

I just 'De-tox' them each day I get them after her time. It actually takes about 4 or 5 hours to get them back into a 'civil' behavior pattern after being at her house over the weekend.

Thanks again... and any more thoughts are appreciated.