first of all, let me say I KNOW I lost my mind. I don't have ANY IDEA what I was thinking.

STBX and I have been separated for almost 9 months. He left when I was pregnant. He's on the verge of BK, getting fired.... I know he's seeing someone else now... He's been very inconsistant seeing his kids..

Our Anniversary would be (is?) tomorrow. Our divorce should be final this week.... the other day I found a card he wrote me aprox two years ago... it really sent me back.. and then some of it has to do with an email conversation I had with a friend yesterday. She said something like if I met STBX now, I wouldn't be that attracted to him (beyond the physical). And I wrote back: that I'd be attracted to his communication skills, his sense of humor and the physical. After I wrote this, I realized that Mike does have qualities I STILL like. (yes I'm sick). I still see some value in him. PLUS he is the father of my kids.

Anyway... so what did I do? After I dropped the kids off at daycare this morning I drove over to his apartment.

He let me in right away. He looked sad. I told him I don't know what I'm doing here... I guess the divorce is so close. I don't know. It doesn't feel right. And that I know that he's trying to make himself a new life, but I also know him and I know whatever he's creating he's just fooling himself that it's better than he had it before. I know he loves me, I know he loves his family. ...

then he goes to say I wouldn't want him anymore, he's got no money, he's about to be fired, etc. I said I know. I don't know what's right... but I do know when son asks for him at night, that doesn't feel right either. I said I have no idea what's right.

We talked for a bit. he said that he felt so unloved (after he cheated). I said I was hurt. VERY HURT and him reaching out to other people was killing me (started about a year after he cheated). he said he only did that because he felt so alone. I said it was an impossible situation... what is someone suppose to do when their spouse is reaching out to other people. he was just crying. (I was crying too.)

Then I told him I found a card from him the other day and it completely messed me up. And that we used to have such good times. I just can't believe there's nothing left. I said I guess I can accept it, and I'll sign the stupid divorce papers, it's just so hard to believe this is the right thing. He asked what the card said. I started bawling and said I can't repeat it right now.

He said what should he do? I said I don't know. I said I just felt I should stop by. The details will be ironed out soon. He said he hadn't heard from his lawyer this week. He wanted to know what I said to his proposal. I said I didn't agree with it, but I will not discuss that right now. He said why not. I said because we always end up fighting when we talk about those details and that's not why I came over.

He then started saying how the last two years have been full of mistakes. I asked what do you mean, he said taking this job was a mistake. Well jeez, finally something we agree on. (his job causes him WAY too much stress) I told him I agree. I don't think he ever should work out of the house again.

Then he asked if I'd really want him to move back home next week. I said no, that's not what I want. I don't know what I want.. but divorce doesn't feel right. But I definitely don't want my kids to go through this again (him leaving.) He said something like "what if it doesn't work".. I said that's where you and I are different... "IT" just doesn't work or not work. "IT" isn't out of our control. there's no magic. I went on to say LOVE and MARRIAGE are about DOING the right thing, even if you don't feel like it. People make the decision to stay together no matter what. It's no accident -- it's a decision. He said "and be miserable the rest of their lives"? I said .. that's when they decide to work on the relationship not escape.

anyway, we talked a bit... we didn't come to any solution. Partly because I never said he could come home. Partly because he's a mess.

As I was leaving I said something like "well whatever you need me to do... I'll sign those divorce papers when I get them..." he started bawling... then through his tears he said "I thought you were going to say 'whatever you need me to do to come home' ".... I said I would have done a lot to keep the marriage, but not anything.. there are certain things I need to feel good about myself. (I eventually kicked him out when I was 7 months pregnant because he was spending all his time with another family, single mom and her three kids)

So STBX told me he's thinking about moving in with his parents. He can't keep his apartment anymore. I asked when he planned to see his kids. he said the divorce decree had wording for how that'd work if he lived over 100 miles away. I told him I read it. He asked if that part was ok. I said yes.

What in the world was I thinking?! I don't know. I think I'm stubborn. It's very hard to let go. I've NEVER given up on ANYTHING (that I can think of).. somehow in my head I can do anything...... And with the divorce coming to close. And our anniversary tomorrow.....that card the other day... it REALLY messed me up. I know, in my heart, nothing he could have started with anyone would come close to what we had.

Are there classes on "letting go"? I think I need to take one.

Whether it was insanity or sanity, thank you for sharing. WOW!!! I have no words of wisdom to offer other than letting go begins with total forgiveness, that includes yourself as well.

(((((((SOHURT))))))))

So hurt,,

Marriage Myth #3
A Great Relationship RTequires Great Problem Solving,,,
Don't fall into the trap of believing that you and your partner can't be happy if you can't resolve your serious disagreements. Ninety percent of problems in a relationship are not solvable.

There are things that you and your partner disagree about and will continue to disagree about. Why can't you once and for all resolve these issues? Because in order to do so, one of you would have to sacrifice your values and beliefs.

You can simply agree to disagree and reach "emotional closure" even though you haven't reached closure on the issue

Most affairs start for their own needs not being met, and or fulfilled. I think you and your husband can make your marriage work. You mentioned about your child/ren, a lot of people will say, don't stay for your children.
When actually, you, we, owe it to our children, to stay and figure things out.

You mentioned about Mike's qualities
now you are on the right track, allowing yourself to focus on the positive. A difficult task, due to the circumstances, but you have begun! Will it continue, honestly, no. You wil
l have days of sliding backwards.

Have the both of you explored any and or all avenues, regards to staying married? If not, you owe this to the both of yourselves, to do this, give this, to each other. Meaning, if there are still stones left unturned, neither of you are ready for divorce.

Maybe you can/will/should think about the possibility of having Mike move back in. Both of you read/study, and live by the rules if you will, with the principals here at MB.
Really get to know one anothers personal needs. Do as required, each of you write down your personal needs, in order. Communicate, and communicate some more.

Maybe give the POJA a total check thru, both of you sing, and agree, and GIVE IT YOUR BEST!!! that means 100% to 100%!!
Relationships are thee hardest thing,,, but the results can be everlasting, if *we* learn how, and learn about each other. Remember, each spouse in the relationship, are nothing but different, diferent in each and every way possible.

By the way, i read some info regards to divorce, with some study or stats, there are 98% of marriages that end in divorce, that really shopuld not have!!! I believe I may have read this at [urlhttp://www.growthtrac.com[/b]

Read the post about *rush into divorce,*

Sohurt, this can be done!!! It will probably require some assistance, check with your local church, ask an older couple who has been married for years, for advice. There are more and more churches doing things like this,, and results are impressive.

<small>[ September 10, 2003, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>