Okay, to the horror of Takola, Starfish, Cerri, and probably a few others, I’ve decided to divorce my husband. To do anything else would be impossible at this point. And please, don’t ANYONE say I’m giving up on my marriage. There is nothing left to give up on.

My husband is coming over to the house tonight after the children are asleep. I am weighing whether to tell him then or in counseling next week. That will be my last session, thank heaven. Below is a letter I thought of using as an outline. What do you all think?

Dear Bill,

Recently, I’ve done a lot of thinking and feeling. I’ve thought a lot about what you seem to want and how you live. I’ve thought about what I can live with and what I can’t live with. I’ve thought about what it means to ask a person to make the kind of changes I’m asking you to make.

Here are my conclusions. It would be wrong of me to force you to remedy Situation X and separate your home from your business, to force structure on your business. And those are just my absolute bare minimum needs.
[ For those who don’t know, Situation X is something I can only discuss in a “privileged relationship.” It is has severe legal ramifications that possibly could land my husband in jail. It is a long standing situation that he’s promised again and again to remedy, but hasn’t even begun.]

You’ve known them for a while, and you’re actions have spoken very loudly what your answer is. You don’t want to do it. And that’s okay. It does NOT make you a bad person. You are a good person.

My own limitations though prevent me from being able to live in the manner you like. I’ve tried it, and it drives me crazy with stress or I get depressed. A life on Celexa is not what I want.

I thought that this was one last chance. But it turns out the last chance was when you agreed to move the books out by the end of August.

So, it is with great sadness that I say I’m ending our marriage. I’m sad that we won’t be a family. I’m sad that you will be hurt and feel rejected. But I’m hopeful that in the end we can each find the happiness life has to offer and that has been escaping us for so long.

I hope that for the sake of the children we can remain friendly. I would like it personally as well, though I would never dare to ask it on my own behalf.

You can expect the divorce papers at your XXX box. The language in them is strong, but that’s the legal world.

I feel sad that it’s come to this, but it has.

Wishing you the best,
Anne

Any reason you aren't gonna do Plan B prior to divorce? Plan B is not simply to wait for the ws to want to return. It's to give you time to heal.

You can expect the divorce papers at your XXX box.
I'd laugh and throw them in the trash.
Why not have him served?

Chris, there are a myriad of reasons for not going to a true Plan B. None of which will appease devotees of it. As for sending it in the mail, my lawyer says it’s a lot nicer way to do it, causes less stress, hurt feelings and embarrassment. I doubt my husband will throw them in the trash. I willing to guess that they'll come as a relief to him in many ways. Pressure to do something that you are incaplable of is draining and destructive.

<small>[ September 11, 2003, 11:18 AM: Message edited by: greengables ]</small>

Dear Bill,

Recently, I’ve done a lot of thinking and feeling about my life and my values. I’ve thought about my perception how you want to live and your values. I’ve thought about what I can live with and what I can’t live with. I’ve thought about the implications(consequences) of asking a person to make the personally radical changes I’m asking you to make.

Here are my conclusions. I feel wrong to force you to remedy Situation X and separate your home from your business, to force structure on your business, and therefore your home. And this change is just my absolute bare minimum need.

I have verbalized my requirement for a while, and I can no longer tolerate the lack of cooperation towards this need. Your lifestyle is OK for you, i do not want you to change. You are a good person who has a different set of values with which i no longer live.

My own values and goals for myself prevent me from being able to live in the current manner. I’ve tried to accomodate a different lifestyle, and I am driven crazy with stress or I get depressed. A life on Celexa is not what I want.

My last chance was when you agreed to move the books out by the end of August. So, with great sadness, I am saying that I’m ending our marriage. I’m sad that we cant' live together as a family. I’m sad that you will be hurt and feel rejected. But I’m hopeful that eventually we can each find the happiness life has to offer on our own terms.

I WANT to remain friendly for the sake of the children. I would like it personally as well, though I would never dare to ask it on my own behalf.

You can expect the divorce papers at your XXX box. The language in them is strong, but that’s the legal world, please don't take them as personally as the legal system makes them out to be.

I feel sad to make this decision, but i am making the decision to live my life with my own value system in tact.

Wishing you the best,
Anne

(note, i took out as much [i]blame of your H[/b] as possible, and stated your intentions as for you, and for your values, and that will always be your answer, consistent and to the kids as well, so that when they get older, they will have a consistent view of the why's and what to avoid. . .)

wiftty

Anne,

I'm sorry that it's come to this point, and I would also have encouraged you to go to a full Plan B first. I thought your letter was very good, and I like wiftty's rewrite as well.

What if being served causes your husband to move off of his state of inaction and actually begin taking care of this? Are you willing to consider slowing down the divorce, or is it too late? If you are willing, I'd at least have a rough plan in place with your lawyer.

GG, my edits were sent via e-mail, also trying to remove blame statements. You are so good about avoiding blaming others in our conversations.

I think I know the answer to K's questions.
It is too late. He has shown no initiative toward any of the changes he agreed upon. So a last ditch effort now would be met with much skepticism, and given that he was unable to accomplish the move in a reasonable time frame, I don't think he'd be able to do it quickly.

This has been a long hard road for you. You've stayed in the game when many would have opted out. You have shown your girls that you've tried.

Thanks for everyone’s responses.

K- If it was a sincere change of behavior and a desire to change not only for me but for himself, I would slow the process down. In fact, I have no desire to move to a speedy divorce. As my lawyer has told me numerous times, the papers get filed and nothing happens for a long while.
Wiftty- Your changes are very good. So good that I had to go back to the original in order to see where you edited. Thanks.
Newly – thanks

greengables, can you give us an update?

Yes, update the group!

I filed divorce papers. For those who don’t know my story, I’ve worked with Steve Harley and some others for two years. While there was no infidelity in our marriage, there was plenty of betrayal.

My husband and I are so far apart on so many things from how we treat our possessions to what we value that his happiness and my happiness are mutually exclusive. Many of you won’t believe this is the case. Yet, it is.

Happy Husband has pointed out how my own unwillingness to change beyond a certain point. I would say it’s inability, but nevertheless, it is me. I simply cannot live the way my husband has forced me to live without heavy doses of Lexapro or Paxil. And I believe medication should not be used to enable people to continue indefinitely in destructive patterns or environments.

So, now my husband has said that if I want to go forward, I should get my attorney to draw up the property settlement and the custodial settlement. He said he’d sign anything that was reasonable. My H. also said that if this is what I want, we should get it over with.

All good points. And ones that confirm my belief that H. wants to be free of the request to change. No, I haven’t nagged, I asked respectfully. And I’ve consistently expressed exactly what I needed in order to survive.

The two things, removal of his inventory from the house and resolution of situation X, are easy things according to my H. Unfortunately, after all this time, there has been cleared about a 4 X 4 foot patch of floor in the basement, and situation X continues to grow. For those that don’t know Situation X is of my h’s sole making, and is something I can only discuss in a privileged context.

If those two easy things that my h. has known for 7 years cause me unhappiness are still unresolved… how the heck can we even hope to work on the “difficult, intangible” things? I think deep down my H. knows that to give me what I need would cause him deep discomfort and possibly unhappiness.

I know that to continue as we were would cause me to slip back into depression, or possibly cause severe bodily harm to my H, such as death. Or I might just set the books on fire after removing my valuables from the home. Dead give away to the arson people, huh? Or I might just go crazy and have those horrible urges to cut myself again. Or sit quietly tearing pages out of the books one by one all day long, giggling.

It’s a little funny, my vision of a future with my h. Mostly it’s sad, especially since it’s true.

I am sad and relieved that we are moving forward. I am sad my husband and I were unable to remain married. On the other hand, I’m relieved that the crazy way he runs his business/hobby no longer reflects on me. When an irate customer called looking for a book H has owed him for 9 years, I calmly took the message and passed it on, warning my H. that the man was quite belligerent. Unlike in past times, I no longer felt responsible or embarrassed or mortified.

I know so many of you are on this board because your spouses filed for divorce, and you wish you had had a chance. I would assure you I have given opportunities. But sometimes, marriages just can’t be saved. And sometimes, it’s important to come to an understanding of what you can live with and what you can’t live with.

To K's point, books only started moving after I told my H that I wouldn't put any more energy into the marriage nor would I attend any more MC sessions. The point of MC is not to enable spouses to continue destructive behaviors.

You have found your boundaries and needed to file for a D in order to enforce those. This is not what you wanted, but is what is necessary for you to survive, intact.

You will survive and be a good parent to your children. It will just be a different experience than you imagined.

Stay Strong and keep in touch.

Guess I need to update my tag!

Anne,

Your husband is acting so 'passively' to this (and has since you first came here), that I think you'll find it unlikely that he even can change. I wish that this wasn't the case, but I hope that you can move forward with the divorce without too much trauma, and that he'll remain as a good parent for your children (and that he doesn't land in jail for 'situation X', which he's also unlikely to resolve, based on his past track record).

It's nice to see you pop in.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

K- Thank you. Thank you for understanding the situation. Thought of you as I lingererd in the orchid room at Longwood Gardens. I'll pop in and out. Just need to be a little careful since I'm feeling jaded. I don't want that to rub off on others whose situations are redeemable.

Thank you for the update.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> it’s important to come to an understanding of what you can live with and what you can’t live with </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this is very important. It's sad your marriage is ending, but great that you'll be able to keep your sanity! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />