I was told it would happen and wondered when the words would come out. Well, they came out a few days ago, and I was shocked, and said to myself, yep, he has gone lower than scum. A talk of sorts went on, and he said to me on the phone, he agreed to the divorce because I filed. Yes, I filed, after he tore my rotator cuff with physical abuse. Yes, I filed, cause the police said to get protection, cause this man was ballistic. Yes, I filed, cause I endured his affair for a year. While he called me a fu*king B*tch, slapped me, pushed me on the ground, called the kids, fu*king kids, and yelled that all of us were in his way.

I was told that he will turn the divorce on me, and I didn't think it would happen. Cause I thought he would be better than that. But it did, and it has really upset me, cause I didn't want the divorce in the first place, but now I know it was the right thing to do. I only did it, cause this man was ballistic, abusive and out of control. He wouldn't counsel, did once and told the counselor off. He yelled all the time.

This is the hurt that my husband of 25 years can do. He knows where to drive the nails, and by Lord, he drives them deeply. Just like Jesus, suffered for all our sins. Xhusband is driving the nails in deeply, so I suffer and suffer.

There are times, when I wish one thing would happen. But being a christian I don't want it to happen. I don't know why my xhusband has to be so cruel. So unthoughtful and so unkind. He tells me just to be nice to him. Heck, I have, and done many things for him. Been told by many people that I do too much for this man.

Also, as he posts here, I wonder why he continues on his path of negativity towards marriage, and why doesn't he just get off the boards, admit his compulsiveness, and start getting things done. He lives with his mother, and his mother is driving me crazy with all that her son doesn't do. SHe has asked him to get off the computer and get the list done that he asked her to do. Which she did, while he was on vacation iwth two of the kids. And of course the list drags on and on.

I am venting, cause he sits here on the computer and spends so many hours, and his mother complains, and I tell her, he is your problem hon, you have him living with you. I am not responsible for him anymore. I am not responsible for helping her. Which I told her I am not going to help her much with him living there. He doesn't help here, tells the kids to do everything, and the kids are doing most of the work at his mothers house too.

I feel hurt by his words, which he knows hurt, and did it purposely.

Also, two of the kids birthday and his birthday are within days of each other. We are suppose to go to dinner, and I only want to celebrate the kids birthdays. Xhusband didn't get me a card, or nothing. Stating that this is where we both are. I wasn't, and still don't want to be so distant. But he drives me away, and I feel this is for a purpose of driving the nails in deeper. He did absolutely nothing for my birthday. I wish at times that I would die, and just get out of this big mess, that xhusband created by his having an affair, having sex with the other woman, and being ballistic, and invading his life on his mothers life. His mother is so down, doesn't want to live, and xhusband sits and sits on the computer and phylosophys, and I just don't know where to turn anymore. His mother complains to me, and I am getting sick of the whole situation. He is not going to change, not going to be responsible for his actions, or his words. He told me the other day, just nobody ask him to do anything and everything would be okay. Yep, more of his selfcentered actions. That way he doesn't have to say yes or no to anyone.

Anyways, needed to vent. And now I find that xhusand blames me for the divorce. One day, I pray that God will show him the light and show him that he is loved by me and the family and God loves him very much. But until that day comes, he will be the irrational person, who I didn't marry.

<small>[ September 14, 2003, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Stop reacting and begin responding.
Set your boundaries and stick to them. With X & MIL.
You know what you should do, but you keep getting caught up in the history.
He can tell the world whatever he wants. You need to trust that those people who matter will know the trust - after knowing both of you.

Live well & prosper.
And, did you ever kick out your oldest daughter yet? I think you should. Tough love. Her disrespect is reenforcing what he believes.

Good Luck and stay strong. Stop getting sucked into his ****.

Newly - no, she is living here, stating that she is moving out to Colorado in due time. Just looking out for myself now. And my youngest son. Daughter reads my posts, invasion of privacy - like husband told me many times. But nothing I can do about that. She hopefully is getting herself together, and will make money shortly. Been a tough time for her, but I feel there is light coming into her path now. She is developing a sight on the computer and this should be her blossoming future.

Yes, there are traits that she displays like her father. Been told this would happen, and it has. She is a good hard worker. There are some psychological issues with her. She will have to work these out herself. Yes, she is much like her father, and this could cause her some problems in the future.

I am providing a roof over her head. And food, for tummy. A place for her cats. Which has been a problem, and still is as of today. Guess, I will take the kitty box and place in her room. Today is her 25th birtday, sad to see a family so torn apart, and not together. But that is the reality of a divorce, which is being blamed on me by SUDFD. Divorce is ugly, and unkind and against God words.

Today, is special. Daughter is turning 25, and I am being invited up to the front of the church and becoming a member of the church. Sad, my family won't be there, but they, none of the kids want to attend church now. And of course SUDFD doesn't attend church either. Hasn't for many years. Pastor called me yesterday, we talked and prayed, and there are going to be about 14 of us becoming member today. My church has become my family of morals. My family of talking. My family of prayers. This is what is keeping me going now. Plus school, and knowing that I am not a bad person like x-husband represents. I am striving to live on no alimony or childsupport, and have done it so far. Working my butt off mucking stalls, and garge sales. I had an opportunity to make $15 cash/ hour. Working with a 48 year old mother with brain cancer. Her sister called me, but I am unable to lift anyone with my rotator cuff injury. The sister came home from the hospital paralized on the right side of a stroke from the cancer. Otherwise, I would of done it in a heartbeat. $15 an hour cash is good money for anyone. I did Friday, help a friend of mine, work with senior citizens on an art craft. The home has assisted and independent living. Was wonderful to help these older woman, 3 retired professors at a University. One was a professor of space, and I told her about my 2 kids. She was so cute. They talked about their past, about their living siblings. They laughed, and joked. We made a kaliedescope together. And they all really enjoyed their projects completed. WE had to help a lot with folding, for crippled fingers had a hard time folding. One thing was funny, this little woman, kept putting the scissors in her fingers and said, what do I cut now. The instructor (my friend) said, put the scissors down, all done cutting. But she loves to cut I guess, and it became a game. Sad, but true. Our parents turn into children, while we become their adults. Sad, but part of the maturing process.

Our next project is going to be bookmarks, with water color and salt, and ink. They are beautiful, and my friend showed me some of the stenciling that we are going to use on the bookmarks. Many of the people read, the large print books. And also, this is something that they could use for gifts for their family. We are going to allow them to do 3 in the class. They can be done each by us in 15-20 minutes. Of course their time period will expand.

Anyways, needing to get ready for church. Shower and do my hair, and dress up. Needing to vent.