Hi, everyone. I have not posted anything since the days I still had hope my marriage could be repaired.

The background: married 26 years, 2 kids (21 and 11). Three years ago, my husband announced he didn't love me anymore. As the only time he'd touched me for over 18 months was during sex, I shouldn't have been surprised, but was devestated. I had accepted something HUGE and TRAUMATIC about him--won't go into it now because it shocks people, but it wasn't anything illegal--yet he couldn't accept my shortcomings: due to the medication I was on for depression, I was much spacier than usual. (I have been off those meds for two years.)

I think what really happened (and he agrees) is that for all those years, he needed me. Then he "came out" to me (All right, I'd better explain--and please don't think the less of me--he told me he's a transvestite. No, I never knew, never guessed, though at the time we'd been married 21 years. Huge shock, very difficult to accept. I decided, though, that "Love bears all things," and worked very, very hard at accepting it.), got counseling, and didn't need me anymore. The love wasn't love, it was need.

He wouldn't go for counseling, so I went alone. Eventually, (a year later) I talked him into going. Several sessions later, he quit going. I went for awhile, quit, but am now going again because I have been having panic attacks, migraines, and insomnia. I tried Plan A with him, but it didn't work. He really does not care for me anymore. Period. I am now at the point when I am ready to say, "Okay, that's it" but I can't do it yet.

I love my kids more than life itself, and have refused to do anything that would hurt them. (My H. is devoted, too--distanct, but devoted.) Son is in college, but he was diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder 1 1/2 yrs. ago--medical bills are enormous and will continue for awhile. It's been a roller coaster ride in the dark for all of us. With his med and tuition bills, divorce is not a possibility for now, but we're hoping he'll finish college in the next 2 years. I planned originally to try to stick things out until our daughter goes to college, but the panic attacks, etc., have convinced me that if I wait that long, there won't be anything left of me.

Our daughter is a ray of sunshine....VERY family-oriented and HATES change of all kinds. She used to cry when a flower lost its petals.

I'm going to take the next 2 years to prepare myself mentally, but how do I prepare her? How did you tell your kids? How did they react? How did you manage financially? I have always been a little too dependent emotionally on the people I love. Anyone else like that? How did you manage that part?

I'd reallly like to hear your stories. Thank you all--You're some of the most caring people on the planet, and I appreciate your advice and experiences.

Hi belle - I was married for 25 years. My husband found a woman on the internet and decided to conduct his life in an immoral fashion, and was ballistic to all of us. We are now divorced, and I am now okay with the divorce.

As far as your situation, not only did you get hit with a rock, that your husband doesn't love you anymore, but someone else, like the rest of us, but worse is that he has circumstances beyond that. Counseling is a must for us, but a double must for you. There are so many issues you are having to deal with. Yourself, your husband, your marriage, your kids.

To tell the kids is honesty for them. To tell them that dad has decided to take his life in a different path, along something that is not normal will be difficult. Especially for your daughter that doesn't like changes. But they need to know, and I am sorry that you are in such a hard place right now. To hear my husband say to me that he doesn't love me but the other woman, was like a boulder that was placed on my chest. I had same symptoms, and hon they are real, and not like my husband told me its all in my head.

Financially it stinks. I still have no childsupport or alimony, since the system is in poor shape. Husband has the papers to change some of the divorce decree, but to this day, he has not sent them in. Since he is a controller, and just told me the other day, he is sick of people telling him what to do. Sick of people asking him to get this done and that. He said if everybody would just leave him alone, and let him be, the world would be fine.

Hon, I am financially in not a good position. I haven't collected A or C Support. I am on food stamps, and mucking barns out for money. I am now in school for 6 credit hours, I went through Family assistance and battered wives. Battered wives got me going back to school. I was injured by my hsuband with a rotator cuff surgery that he caused.

Getting through the hardship, and pain is tough. Still going through the pain is tough. Seems there is always a trigger or something that brings out the pain more. As time heals oneselve, the pain will lesson. I am grateful for my church, and the pastor and his wife. They have been a great help, and the church is growing each week. When I started with the church there was 9 of us. Now we are up to about 200. I have been praying for myself and family.

Hon, this is going to be difficult, cause you are not loved, and receive no love. You are living under the same roof, with a husband that is not there. Counseling is the only thing that could help, but if he is not willing to counsel, there is nothing else you can do. I would talk to your pastor if you have one too.

As far as the house, I got this house and he got the house in Arizona where his bimbo lives. He bought it secretly without me knowing about it. So he got that money, out of a settlement that I have on my arm, that will be ailing me the rest of my life, while he lives with a bimbo in the house he without regret or remorse took from me. But in the end he will get his punishment. God has seen all that your husband has done, as well as my husband.

Pray for guidance hon, and that is all that I can suggest for now. I am still working on getting things done, and trying to get more assistance. Been a struggle, and the government system is quite slow in their processing. So I have a husband that is slow and the government is slow. Banging my head against the wall - (headache).

Good luck, and I hope others will help you more. Also, there is a sight for trans. somewhere on the net. To get help and such. If you get a lawyer, look into each one, and look into someone that is good at the trans. situation you are in. There should be something out there for you, since you didn't know about his little secret when you married. I am so sorry for your pain, and I will pray for you and your family.

Thank you, Faith4Me! Your post brought tears to my eyes. What a strong, caring woman you are! I'm sorry that you've gone through such pain and struggle. You definitely deserve better.

My husband is a controller, too, and has always been very critical. Here's something funny: He's such a control freak that he tries to control the way I speak. (I am not supposed to start a sentence with "Look," for instance, as in "Look, I've been thinking, and..." as an example.) When, during counseling, I described him as controlling, he got very angry and told me I'm not supposed to use that word anymore; the correct phrase is "on top of things"!

I'm not particularly bitter about his controlling nature anymore. This is partly because I have come to realize how hard it must be to have that kind of nature: the world is NOT, after all, controllable. The other reason is that he is working hard to control his controlling tendencies. No, that's not right. He's working hard not to show them. He really doesn't think he has a problem.

A friend of mine describes my husband as "narcissistic," and I think that's a good term; my H. has used it to describe himself. He is very self-centered in many ways. He has serious issues, but he really reigns them in. I am fortunate, though, in that he is truly a man of integrity. The "big lie" was one of the very few serious lies he's told in our relationship. I know when we divorce, he will honor his obligations to our children. I will not have to go through what you are to collect the money your children need.

People, when do I talk to my daughter? So far, the only thing I 've done is to drive her down a nice street in town (with modest homes) and fantasize about what it would be like to live there, in a nice little house, just the two of us--and her bro. when he's in town. She told me the other day when she grows up, she'll buy me a house on that street. No mention of Daddy (whom she loves). Does that mean she has an inkling?

I have decided neither of our kids should know about Dad's "tendencies." My son is struggling to just live his life now, and my daughter is too young. Middle school is not the best time for a girl to learn info. that might make her question her own identity. Do you all agree?

Thanks, all! I'll be praying for you, Faith! Yes, I do go to church. We have a new pastor, but I will go to talk to him soon.

Belle,
First of all, the fact that your H is a transvestite is NO REFLECTION OF YOU. So you don't even need to say "don't think less of me" because it has NOTHING to do with you.

It appears you're asking questions which are divorce-related. I'm not divorced but I can explain how things have worked for me during this legal separation that I'm in. My H and I told our kids together. I told H the points that I felt needed to be covered (OW, him no longer having God as a focal point in his life, giving up on counseling, etc...) and H did the talking. I wasn't going to be party to him wanting to disolve our marriage. After all, the separation was his idea! We also had to "pretend" to be married for about 6 months, all the while planning our daughter's wedding. It appears that might be in your plan too (?) I eventually asked him to move to the spare bedroom when I found out he was talking to OW while sleeping in our bed. I just wouldn't respect myself otherwise. But because of the impending wedding and family events associated with it, he and I agreed to not tell anyone until afterward that event.

How did they react? Our daughter, having just gotten home from her honeymoon, was totally devastated. Our new son-in-law (welcome to the family!) couldn't understand how this could happen, after all they learned in pre-marital counseling. Our son (who has issues of his own) saw how upsetting it was to me, but he wasn't living at home, so there wasn't that much he did or said. Hubby's family was in disbelief - ours was the one marriage they thought had it all together. His siblings don't know what to say to him, but his parents have established some sort of relationship (they're old and not in best health.) And my family has stuck by me through this all.

Financially, I'm OK. Been getting household support which is definitely needed. And now I'm just waiting on H to see what he does. I can wait however long it takes, because I know it's in God's hands, no matter what happens to me.

I think people who've been married as long as we have sometimes suffer worse than those who don't have the long shared history. We've been through so much with our spouses, raising our kids together, major illnesses, buying property, moving, just all those life situations that one goes through during 25 years. So I definitely know what you're feeling. I'm sorry you're having to go through with this.

I think you're wise to not tell your daughter about her dad's tendencies yet. (I'm not clear how much the fact that he's a transvestite has played into the demise of your marriage.) Are you still in the same house? How long did you try "Plan A"? I would continue to "Plan A" as long as you can, especially as long as you're both in the same house. A lot of good things can happen in two years, too!

<small>[ September 14, 2003, 08:53 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Thanks, Avondale! Boy, is it good to hear from someone who knows what I've been going through!

To answer a few questions: I spent most of my married life Plan A-ing. Pleasing him was extremely important to me, so I dressed the way he wanted me to dress, cooked what he liked, gave him back rubs, etc., etc. Like almost all men, he likes very thin women (The fact that I gained weight while on anti-depressants was one of the things he hated. I have since lost almost all of the weight.), so I exercised and dieted to stay in my normal weight range (though he would have preferred me 10 lbs. underweight--couldn't do it!). Until last spring/summer, I had to concentrate on getting myself through this. H. had complained that I was only doing things for him, not because I truly wanted to. So I tried to find myself--still looking! Finally started plan a-ing again last spring. No response at all--no change, nothing. It's really over, as far as he's concerned.

Yes, we are still in the same house. We do not share a room anymore. He does NOT want me sleeping in the same bed!

I think I am done Plan A-ing, frankly. He has such serious issues that he'd need a lot of therapy to overcome them, which he refuses to do, as he thinks he's just fine. I would never, ever be able to trust him not to devestate me again unless he got serious counseling. He is not seeing any OW. My theory is that he's so involved in himself and the TV thing, that he doesn't miss being married. Anyway, the counselor I'm currently seeing says if I don't quit putting myself on the back burner, I'm liable to have a complete breakdown. I've already been skating on mighty thin ice.

It's good to know you got through the telling-the-kids part. That will be the hardest thing for me, I know. My husband has said HE will never file for divorce, no matter how miserable he is, that I will have to do so. I think it's so that he doesn't look like the bad guy.

Getting divorced--even two years from now--just seems so complicated! Aaaarh!

A friend of mine who got divorced ten years ago just stopped in. She doesn't know about my situation, but she got onto the subject of divorce and said, "If I had it all to do over, I wouldn't. Divorce is a mess! Not just at the time, but for years afterward!"

Yikes! This is a woman who's very happily remarried and who's kids are in college, so her contact with her ex is, I think, minimal. And her first husband was an unfaithful alcoholic--by all accounts, not an ideal H. Now I'm scared! Is it really that bad for that long?

Your friend probably wishes she could have avoided all the hassle of her dv by marrying her current partner instead of the alcoholic. I recently started dating a wonderful woman and in a very short time, I've gotten to the point I have a hard time imagining a future that she isn't in. I wish I could go back and correct the past and marry someone different... thereby avoiding all the pain of the dv. I doubt I'll ever look back and think, "It was all worth it." There are certainly specific parts that are more than worth it. But, in the end, if you weigh the pain of the A and dv against what happiness there was in that marriage, I wouldn't do it again either.

You need more context from your friend to understand what she meant I think.

Thanks, Lyxa. Reading your post was a huge relief. I'm sure your interpretation of my friend's remarks was accurate; I'll figure out a way to bring up divorce and sound her out about it.

Your situation sounds like it was painful. I was the BS when my H. and I had been married four years, and it was agonizing--and that was just a one night stand. I'm so glad you found someone who is balm to your soul.

Your friend is right. I didn't have any choice about the divorce, since my H filed, but it has not gotten any better with the passage of four and a half years since he left. My H has been transformed from a father who loved his children, even during his affair, to a distant and creature who has managed to alienate almost all of our six kids and who appears to have completely shut down emotionally. The kids and I have been left in near poverty with no expectation of significant improvement. This, in spite of the fact that I have, during that period, begun and completed a master's degree, and obtained a professional job.

Unless your or your child's life would be endangered if you stay married, there is nothing that is worse than divorce.

Divorce is terrible - it is traumatic and life-altering.

But I can think of worse things.

I fought my husband for a year. Took a year to rest and recover. Then I filed because the stress was beginning to affect my health. Having let the situation damage me physically would have been worse. Having lived in the stress I had would have been worse. Living a bitter life would have been worse.

Yes, I'm scarred for life. My children don't see a happy marriage modeled daily. But, I am healthy and happy (that took a few years, by the way) and our home is filled with love instead of tension, fear, and hostility. Our financial state will never be like it was. But money can't buy peace.

In the last two days, I've had two people talk to me about my divorce. They both wanted to talk about my emotional state at present. They were both affected by the fact I don't hate my x. One person is fairly recently divorced and the other has never married.

I told them both that I did hate x. And I think I truly did. But I chose to give that up. Living with pain and bitterness means you never get well. You never get to be happy. You continue to give this person control over your life. Good counseling helped. And time helped. And mental and emotional releasing of him helped.

All I could do is be in control of me. I could choose to stay angry or I could learn to love me again. And I couldn't love me if I was busy hating him.

Now, what was the question again?

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 11:03 PM: Message edited by: cinderella ]</small>