I am in a predicament where my wife and I have had a long and complicated history. I will try and make this as short as possible.

We met while in college, fell in love (so I thought). After college moved temporarily down east for 4 months before we moved northward for myself to go back to school for two years -> she worked for one year. We both were glad with the move and no reservations were brought forth, everything seemed fine. A year after we moved, she went back to school and met someone while there and had a full blown affair for quite a few months. Before finding out about her affair, I had also gotten in touch a friend from my past. I never for a second thought that anything would happen with this women but we kissed. We never actually slept together (for the skeptics out there, I am telling the truth) but I still felt guilty. Never saw the woman again.

After I was done my two years of school (my wife had one year left), my wife asked if she could move in with her friend instead on living with me. It was closer for her. I found this kind of odd but said ok. It was no more than a month and half after that I found out (no her telling me) about her and the other guy. I was fuming but sad at the same time. We talked about what happened and she thought we needed time apart. We parted for a while, occassionally talking with each other. After a couple of months, we got back together reluctantly but we moved on.

About 2 years later I proposed and we got married a year after that. During those 3 years I noticed my wife habits and tendencies. Laziness, lack of ambition and dependency were just a few of them. At the time we were married, I honestly thought that she was the one for me. Over the last 6 - 8 months her laziness and dependency is starting to grow. In addition, we started trying to have a baby. It was at this instant that she became totally dependent on me and had no interest in finding an interim job between the time she quit her old job and the day we were moving out West.

Fast forward to the move, it took her another 3 months here to find a job. In the meantime while at home, she couldn't even bare some of the chores at home while she looked for a job. This annoyed me even more since I was working for the both of us. I knew at this point that I couldn't live like this anymore. She did eventually find a job in late July. She hated it as usual (works in retail) but I didn't want to hear her complaining anymore. This is all I heard about her work. Nothing positive to say about any of her jobs.

I started comtemplating separation. I still loved my wife somewhat but I needed to think of myself for once. Unfortunately, I thought things were so bad that I could justify sleeping with another woman. I did with another woman from the office. But much to my delight, the woman turned out to be my equal and we have kismet relationship. I know it has only been a couple of months but we have everything in common, including being miserable in our marriages. I MEAN EVERYTHING IN COMMON. It seems a little too perfect if you know what I mean. I am giving the relationship some time to develop.

Before I left for a recent business trip, I told my wife that I wasn't feeling good about our marriage. She thought everything was fine but I told her that her complancency was starting turn me off and make me much less in love with her. Her intimacy issues were also a factor but not entirely everything that was wrong. She cried but I consoled her and told her I think we could try to work on this. During my trip though, I did a lot of soul searching. My conclusion was to let my wife go. I couldn't bear the burden of her problems and hangups any longer.

I am not going to feed you any BS, I did continue to speak with the other woman during all of this. I eventually told her though that I couldn't rationally end my marriage with her in the picture. As a result I have distanced my self, both literally (she's 3000 miles away, she moved with her husband back east) and emotionally. I did go back east recently after my business trip to visit my family and attend to some business. During my visit I found out from a good friend that my wife, prior to us getting married, had messed around with a roomate of mine. This added fuel to the fire. I couldn't believe it!

I came back from this trip and I confronted her about this as well as the possibility of getting separated. She denied it and cried and cried and I did feel guilty for doing this to her. For once in my life though, I had to think of myself. I am now stuck in a position that I am still thinking of my wife's feelings. I want separate but with a minimum of hurt and tears. I fear though that we are never going to able to avoid the hurt. We only talked about separation but I can't lead her on anymore, thinking there is still some hope. How do I let her go with the respect she deserves? I think I have covered everything but if want me to fill in some blanks ask away.

I don't think you are truly "thinking of your wife's feelings." If you were, I do not think you would have slept with another woman while still married to your wife. It does not sound to me that you see that as being wrong.

I assume you made similar vows at your wedding to the ones I did, "In better AND WORSE, in SICKNESS and in health, TIL DEATH do us part."

There are alot of misconceptions about marriage and one of those is that we stay in it simply if it's good for us or if our spouse measures up to what we believe a woman or man ought to be. Your wife obviously is not fulfilling her role as a wife (not being lazy, etc), and neither are you fulfilling yours (by being faithful, etc).

I believe it would be far better for you to fight for this marriage and for the two of you to work these things out, than for you to get into another marriage and be faced with a whole new set of problems (or perhaps even the same ones)?

LOVE your wife! If you truly love her, you will bear with her. But, obviously, you need to be honest with her about the things she is doing that are embittering you. Have you shared, gently, how these things are making you feel?

I believe a good marriage counselor can help you two and that in the future, after you have gone through this... committed, faithful, and doing the work necessary to make it work... you will find yourself in a good marriage.

Marriage is work. You marry an imperfect person. I am sure you also are imperfect and there are gripes your wife has about it.

It sounds like she does not know about your adultery. That right there is a very, very serious thing that can destroy your marriage, and ultimately you yourself. For a time, it might seem like pleasure, but in the future, it can have grave consequences including the regret that will fill your mind.

I would say get out of that relationship now and do not look back! You are a married man! I would also say that you two get to a counselor.... probably you first so that you can tell him about your adultery. Somehow you are going to have to tell your wife. Divorcing is not going to change you or change her. You both need to change. But you need to focus on your change first (not your wife). You need to not be sleeping with other women. And you need to give your marriage a fighting chance before writing it (and her) off.

As for letting her go w/o her being hurt, I imagine that is impossible. She's your WIFE. As in, WIFE. Not girlfriend, not mistress.... WIFE. The woman you made vows to to love "til DEATH." Those are serious VOWS.

YES, you CAN bear the burdens. If you ask God, He will help you! Do you know the Lord? I am just wondering.

Well, I truly hope that you and your wife will stay together and forgive each other and do what you need to do to be committed and faithful to each other. Don't buy into the lies that there's a better woman out there or that divorce is the answer (although your adultery is really a very serious betrayal of your wife that needs to first be dealt with and confessed). I truly hope that you let the other woman go, but not your wife.

<small>[ September 14, 2003, 08:14 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Hmmmmm....since this is Marriage Builders, you're not going to find anyone here who is going to tell you to leave your wife. Here, we believe in marriage and marriage vows. With committment and lots of work, almost any marriage can be saved, including yours. If you haven't already, read thru the material on the site and then maybe come back and ask some more questions.

Good luck,
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello SpecialK,

I have to agree with Mitzi and LoveMyEx.

You need to love your wife unconditionally, as Jesus loved and still loves. There are many ways and things that you can do to make this work, and to make it work, so that you can make each other happy again.

It is so easy to get frustrated and discouraged, but regardless of what you have been through, I would be pretty certain that you haven't tried the right things.

If you have not already, read about the "love bank" concepts, "lovebusters, and "emotional needs", I would encourage you to do so. This are all very powerful, and great resources for any marriage.

Hang in there, it will get easier. Divorce is wrong and will be a part of your life for as long as either of you live.

Gregg

You need to love your wife unconditionally, as Jesus loved and still loves.
But alas, we are only human and this is not possible.

It seems a little too perfect if you know what I mean.
Yeah, unfortunately, we know what you mean. Your situation is not unique, it is not different, it is not "special". In fact, it is VERY predictable and common.

I am giving the relationship some time to develop.
You are giving an affair "time to develop"? Time to develop before what?

Read the links below.
End your affair.

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 10:30 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>