We started MC on 9/4. That sounds positive, but it is very stressful. Just since last Thursday, here are some of the things that have happened: on Saturday, I got the time wrong for my son's soccer game and the location wrong for my daughter's soccer game, on Sunday, my son came right close to me when I was on the computer and I really screamed in fright and anger. I have been having stomach cramps and last night got such a bad migraine headache that I threw up.

My H continues to bring up that I am unwilling to reconcile because I won't forgive him for the A. I think that that is not the issue, but I am not sure what is. I don't understand why a guy would bring up a past A. He used to talk about her during the A, too, which makes me suspicious but if I bring up that I am suspicious he tells me that I don't trust him and never will. I have no desire at this point to talk about the A and don't bring it up or continue any conversation about it.

I think that I have a very competent therapist, and she said that MC will make it clear what my H is willing to do or not do to create a M. So -- I choose to hang on to see what sort of M my H is willing to create.

Any suggestions for coping in the meantime?

<small>[ September 16, 2003, 04:26 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

An IC is good.
Are you on ADs? If not, talk to your doctor about them. This is a highly stressful period for you, and sometimes we all need something to get through it.

Also, start writing things down, or you'll drive yourself crazy with all these dates. You are in a crisis, deal with it as one.
If you really want to reconcile, make sure you use the tools on this site to help develop a plan and maintain your boundaries. You dont' want the same marriage you had - you deserve better.
Good Luck.

Yeah a journal is good but some advice:
- Don't ever let him see it.
- If you address the journal and then each page "To My Lawyer" it becomes privileged information that can't be used against you should things fall apart. Otherwise, you're writing your feelings down during this time and you'd hate to your stbx get up in court and read your private thoughts on various matters OUT OF CONTEXT as proof of mental instability or something.

Also, be careful when you write as it can really focus your thoughts in a negative direction. As hard as it might seem, exercise pays dividends through improved mood, better sleep, etc. Plus, you start getting all toned up and it makes your significant other eat their heart out!

What is your ic's background in counselling abusive situations? Quite frankly, I would question whether that therapist is the right one for you. I don't believe a competent therapist would recommend marriage counselling to a physically abused woman who is with a man who continues to be a bully. When your body talks, listen!!! I interpret your nausea as an indication that you're being told to swallow something that isn't good for you (i.e., mc). MC will not fix an abuser. It's quite possible that nothing will fix him, even if he seeks, obtains, and puts effort into a program directed specifically toward abusers.

You said "I choose to hang on to see what sort of M my H is willing to create." I believe he's already told you. I know this is the mb site, but even the harleys say that mb won't fix abusive relationships.

The IC has counseled people in my H's anger management group. She knows that MC is very difficult for me. I have been the focus of our problems because WH has only had to bring up the A for me to get upset. Now I need to give him the opportunity to show that he is interested in building the M. Really, by getting upset about the past, I have delayed having us work on figuring out the future. Thanks for your concern, though. It's taken me a long time to learn to respect how she thinks. She is advising me to be very considerate of myself and take care of myself at this difficult time. I am finding that MB is one of the ways I cope. It's so comforting to know there are others out there with whom I can share my story and seek advice.