To answer your question from the other thread.....YES, I have truly forgiven my EX. I only have one problem with her still though. I have yet to meet OM and its been over a year since they have been together (on/off again) and him being around my children. Its almost like she doesnt want me or my family to meet him? I cant figure that out? I need to meet who is hanging around my children.......what is the big deal. My daughters bday was this weekend and our families and my NOW wife was with me. My EX and new wife are friendly towards one another and actually sat next to each other and talked for quite awhile. Well?.....where was OM? The gifts from my EX said from Mommy and OM, so where was he? I dropped my kids off to their mom the following day, and OM suit coat was hanging over the seat in her car. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Why is this guy such a mystery if all is well? Unless this guy is still married and she feels embarrassed about it. I dont have anything against my EX at all.......her decision making is just poor.

<small>[ September 15, 2003, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

I asked because I sensed that maybe you still have resentment towards her... which of course, is understandable. I think forgiveness sometimes has to be a daily thing because those old resentments come back into our minds. Anyways, I wondered because some of your comments about your new wife seemed as if your remarriage was in some ways an attempt to "get back" at your wife. Not that that was your reason for remarrying, but just that I sensed that maybe being a hope of yours. ?

I am sure there was much hurt involved in the end of your marriage because you mentioned how you tried to hold the marriage together but she didn't want it.

Is your ex-wife not married to the OM? I am not sure why she would "hide" him. Maybe he is ashamed or embarrassed or fearful of seeing you. I think they had an affair while you were married? Am I correct? I'm not sure if I have that right, but if that's the case, it's very likely that there is guilt and shame involved.

It might be that all is not well. She might even regret what happened, but now that you are remarried, it would be too late for things to change.

You might never know now that you are not married and your relationship is as is. You can pray for her. Maybe things are hard for her? I cannot imagine... no, let me restate... I do not believe that any single person goes through a divorce unhurt. Even the most hardened heart is simply hard as a type of defense mechanism. Whether the hurt, guilt, regret, etc. comes out immediately or not for months, or maybe not for years, I don't believe that any person can end a marriage, even a very bad one, without pain involved, and often regret.

Also, I think anyone that has had an affair will eventually at some point, deal with tremendous guilt, shame, etc knowing that what they have done has damaged or destroyed their family. Maybe the OM is even struggling with this. Some people even stay in those relationships simply because they feel they've already "blown it" and have to "lie down in the bed they made" (so to speak).

Why do you think it is that it bothers you? How long ago were you divorced? And been remarried? How long were you married to first wife?

Adultery, divorce, abuse... after my own experience and reading of others, I understand why God grieves over these things. He never intended for marriage to be a war zone or such a hurtful thing, but only a good and wonderful thing. I read things in here and just feel so saddened by so many things.

I hope and pray for both you and your ex-wife that God continues to heal and work in your lives.

LoveMyEx.......what bothers me is that he has been around my children.......literally! for over a year now. I really, and truly could care less that he is with my EX. Its funny LoveMyEx.......I really never go mad when I found out she was seeing this guy. This is after we seperated of course........cause Im pretty sure she was having at least an EA with him before we split. Also, I met my EX 16yrs ago and we were married for 10yrs. Our marriage was kinda bad from the start, we argued all the time and we even argued on our wedding night. We probably should have never gotten married to be honest......we were like oil and water. The real reason my divoced pained me was because of our children.....I didnt want to be away from them, but I had no control. My EX wanted out and wanted to be with OM.......I unintentionally fell in love during our separation and divorce. I actually met my wife just a few weeks before my divorce was final..........when we met, my EX already had the papers drawn up and all credit cards, car loans, and house papers changed over into her name.......our marriage was OVER. Im very happy now with my new marriage, my wife and I have so much in common and never fight. Its like night and day compared to my previous marriage. Im just much more compatible with my wife than I was with my EX. Sometimes we make mistakes and I feel I should have never married my EX.........I truly feel that way. I remember feeling a bit funny on my wedding day to my EX........just a feeling if that was what I really wanted to do.......the second time around, I could not wait to be married to my wife.....that is how much I love her and wanted her to be with me always. Whew!......there, I hope that clears a few things up for you LoveMyEx........let me know if you need any other questions answered.....I dont mind sharing. Have a good one. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

The real reason my divoced pained me was because of our children.....I didnt want to be away from them, but I had no control.
Did you go for custody at all?

I have them every other weekend......and every wednesday thru thursday......Its not that bad since they live less than 5mi. away.

Just curious,
What was the reason the judge gave for not giving you primary custody or at least 50%?

My job........I travel too much.

Starting Over,

There really is nothing you can do about him being around your children. You can pray though for both them and for him. That nothing about their interaction will be harmful to them in any way. That he will be kind and good to them. Other than that, I think it is out of your hands and just one of the unfortunate consequences of the whole thing. You will always have an ex-wife and children to share. That will not be an easy thing.

I'm not sure what to say about your feelings for you ex-wife. In some ways, I do strongly think that you might have convinced yourself you don't care, it was a mistake, etc. simply to guard your heart from the pain you'd feel if you cared about her. 10 yrs. of marriage is a long time and even though you look back and see it as a "mistake"... well, I'm sure that in those 10 yrs. there were good times in which you loved each other.

I also say this from a perspective of my own husband seeing me as a "mistake" once he decided to divorce. My husband ADORED me and loved me and was bound and determined to marry me when we married. I was "God's will" for him in his eyes, a "gift," etc. But, anger, hurt, and bitterness can cloud a person's eyes and suddenly those things are forgotten and the person becomes a "mistake" or a bad person, etc. I just think that is the nature of humans. Our emotions are so unstable for the most part and when we feel attacked (our pride, our heart, whatever it might be), we put up defenses... one of those being a hard heart in which we refuse to love someone so as not to be hurt by them. But this really is not healthy for us.

A friend of mine shared with me a verse in Ecclesiastes that really spoke to me. It says that we are to keep our vows and that we are not to call any vow we make a "mistake." I honestly believe that even if a marriage was "mistaken", that God can still create in that marriage a love that lasts for a lifetime. I do not believe that to call it a "mistake" lessens the marriage in any way.

Well, regardless, I know that the betrayal of your wife with this other man must've been something extremely painful and hurtful. And I think when we have been hurt, we often harden our heart to that person (as my husband did with me when I hurt him) and then say that we don't care or that it was a mistake anyways, etc. Even if it was a "mistake," it is pretty hard to erase 10 yrs. of marriage and the memories therein. I get the impression that it hasn't been that long since your divorce and wonder if you have allowed yourself some grief. I would think it would be fearful because the grief would be intense. I am sure you did have love for her and she was your wife. I am sure the pain of being betrayed is almost unbearable.

As for how you got along, I don't believe that arguing equates to a mistaken marriage just as bliss doesn't equate to "the right one." I am assuming that you and your current wife are newly married? There could come a day when you do fight. She may go through depression someday. You might get Alzheimers and be mentally ill in that regard and be a very different man. One of you might suffer great loss and become a totally different person as a result. One accident could cause you to have brain damage and alter your personality altogether. Any numerous things can happen that could change your relationship.

That is why I think it's a mistaken belief that a "right" person or marriage is indicated by no problems. We have no idea what the future holds and your current wife could change and become a very difficult person for whatever reason in the future. Let's pray she does not, but I believe that marriage is more about commitment than about how you feel with that person. I believe that with commitment comes the blessing/reward of a good relationship, one that will pass the tests of time. It is idealistic to think that a marriage is good only if it is free of problems and if there is compatibility. Many incompatible people have good marriages and many compatible people have bad marriages. A good marriage is more about commitment and sacrifice than anything else.

There were obviously things wrong in the first marriage. Whatever they were, well, you obviously cannot carry the burden of your wife's sins. You can forgive them, but you are not responsible for her sins or choices. However, you are responsible for yours, and I would encourage you to examine your own self and whatever things you might have done in the first marriage, work on them so as not to repeat them in the 2nd marriage.

Any time a marriage ends, for whatever reason, it is a very painful, difficult thing (esp. if there is betrayal/adultery involved). I hope and pray that the Lord continues to heal you and help you now with the future struggles of sharing children, etc.

Is it normal to have conflict in a relationship long before the marriage and on the marriage night? I think alot of people get married to the wrong person for them because they are afraid to try and date other people. They feel that person is better than most out there......that is NOT true in alot of cases and alot of people DO make a mistake and marry someone who is not suited for them personality wise. IMHO. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ September 17, 2003, 03:54 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

Yes, it is "normal" to have conflict, ESPECIALLY around a wedding day when stress abounds and nerves are shot. I got about 3 hrs. of sleep before my wedding night and had a bunch of family members all running around like crazy driving me crazy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> My emotions were high, my nerves were high, on and on. Marriage is a HUGE life-changing decision. I can't imagine two people not having some sort of conflict ESPECIALLY around the wedding! It's all about how they handle it.

Life is hard, people are sinners, stuff happens... conflict is almost a given in any relationship. It is how it is handled that makes the difference.

Marriage is not about finding the "right" person. It is about being the "right" person. Based on your belief about making mistakes, I'd imagine that AT LEAST half the population should divorce right now! I am CERTAIN that many, many marriages were "mistakes"... went too fast, married 'cause they got pregnant, didn't date enough, etc. So does that mean they go divorce? Can God not still turn a "mistake" into a beautiful marriage? Doesn't it say that NOTHING is impossible with Him?

Saying it was a "mistake" is a means of justifying a divorce as a necesity to get out of a bad marriage... vs. staying in and working out the conflict. And if only we had video cameras to videotape the husbands and wives who on their wedding days and prior were CERTAIN this was "the one" and they loved that person. But as soon as their was confict... UNRESOLVED conflict... that person became a "mistake." Oh... he was a mistake anyways... never should of married him... God will understand if we divorce.

Again, there could come a day where your new wife becomes sick or injured, with an altered personality. That happened to my husband's first wife who died from brain cancer. Her personality changed. She changed. But he loved her and was commmitted to her even though she could give nothing in return. People get sick, both physically and mentally. People get in accidents that can alter their moods, their personalities, etc. Then what? Are they suddenly "mistakes"?? They are no longer the person you married. So what does that do with the theory of the "right one"? Hmmmm... something to think about that I think few people do think about.

<small>[ September 18, 2003, 12:42 AM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>