Hello everyone,
Im posting here in the hopes that somebody or anybody out there can give me some advice on my situation. Just a slight warning though, there is one or two details that some might find offensive. I apologize for this, but I need to tell everything so the reader can understand the whole picture....

Im 27 years old and have been married to my husband (34) for seven years. We have a four year old daughter and 8 month old son together and live in New York City. I want to make the right decision but I dont want to hurt my children. Ive tried so many times during the course of my marriage to try and hold it together but I feel like its slipping away from me.

In the very beginning, everything seemed fine. We moved in together and like most newlyweds couldnt get enough of each other. It was like a dream come true....but over time I began to notice my husband was very controlling and prone to violence. He would smash dishes, tear up important documents and eventually he started hitting me. In all fairness, I did push his buttons during arguments but the hitting got so out of control I called the police on him several times and they wanted to arrest him.

After three years of arguments that resulted in me getting hit, I decided to try and leave with my kids. Since I have no living relatives with a place I could crash at, I tried staying in a battered womens shelter. It was so rough there, I ended up returning home with my daughter. At the time, I was in medical school studying to be a nurse and was attending full time. I ended up having an affair with a student in my class:( I guess I did it because, in my heart I wanted to do something that would severe our relationship for good..But when my husband found out, he didnt want to divorce, he just chalked the affair down to an excuse to hurt him for the hitting.

When I became pregnant with my son about a year and a half ago, my husband promised to be there for us and *renew* our love. (ugh) Well, he w-a-s very generous and bought alot of things for me and the baby but I still felt unhappy about the relationship. Fastfoward to a month ago, I discovered I was pregnant even though I did everything right!!! My birth control had failed.
He insisted I have an abortion because he wasnt ready for a third child. He became very cold and distant to me during those days and I found myself faced with a difficult decision. In the end I reluctantly went to the clinic but ran out at the last minute to where he was sitting in the waiting room. I told him I didnt want to do it but he started nudging me back towards the patient area-and I went and had the proceedure.

Now Im living in hell. because I regret what I did and Im angry at myself and him. Im an emotional wreck and I cry very easily. I want to get a divorce from him so badly and run away with my children but Im not working. He's supporting us all. My mother told me that I could take the kids and come live with her, but her house is very small and, oh I dont know what to do.

Am I selfish for wanted to get a divorce? I dont feel anything for him anymore. my heart is breaking...

First, you probably don't know what you want right now. Your mind is spinning at an alarming speed.
Find an individual counselor to help you through the many issues with which you are dealing. You are probably not ready to make any major life decisions right now.
If you can't afford it, check with a local women's crisis center, particularly for the physical abuse.

Surround yourself with people who can help and support you through this difficult period.

thanks for replying newly,

I know that I should probably speak to someone about whats going on. I'll try and do that:(

Damali--

Are you living with your H. at this time? It sounds to me like you are, and that you don't know where else to go. As I understand it, you don't feel like your options are all that terrific right now: the women's shelter was "rough" (Dangerous? Uncomfortable?), your mother's house is tiny, and you don't know of anyplace else to go. That's what I got from your post. Is that right?

I agree that you need counseling, pronto, and that the shelter is probably your best bet, at least for referrals, if not for the actual counseling. Some communities also have safe houses for women in your situation. Your shelter would know for sure.

Kiddo, your H. sounds a bit spooky to me...an abusive person who literally pushes his wife into having an abortion she doesn't want...definitely not good. Can he change? There's a lot of controversy over whether abusers can truly change, but I think everyone agrees he'd have to recognize he has a problem and want to change. The tricky thing about abusers (I used to work for a domestic violence program.) is that they will promise heart and soul to get help if they think promising will get the relationship back to where it was. Sometimes they even mean it sincerely, but it is a long road, and many abusers don't make it all the way to Healthy.

If I were you, I would make an appointment for counseling right away (as in now). I would make an exit plan in case things get nasty unexpectedly (money in a secret place you can access quickly, emergency clothes for you and kids--You probably know the drill). I would try to figure out a way to make Mom's house workable if you need to go there for a short period of time.

What I would not do: feel guilty. Honey, you have been in there pitching. It takes two to make a healthy marriage. He's not there yet. Maybe he'll get there someday, maybe he won't. Your number one priority is those kids. They deserve to live in a household where there's no violence or coercing. Even if the abuse isn't directed towards them, it's damaging them. Ask yourself: When your daughter grows up, what would you want her to do if she's ever in your same circumstances?

Good luck and God bless.

Get away from him before he kills or hurts you or one of the children. There's an Aesop fable about the country mouse and the city mouse. Go to your mother's small house.

He needs anger management counseling. It doesn't matter what you do. It doesn't matter that you are pregnant. What matters is that he is being physically violent. You need to get out of there!

I have two permanent physical reminders of my H's abuse. BUT I'm alive.

I wouldn't give up on your M just yet. Separation may be a much needed wake up call for him.

Hi belle:

yep, Im still living with him. We both own the apartment we're living in, (both names on the deed) but if he left, I could not afford to pay the mortgage. Its alot of $$$$.
The shelter I stayed in was pretty rough because there were drug addicts and alot of violent behavior there. thats why i gave up and went home:(
My brother thinks I should just stay here until Im finished with school (which would be about a year) since Im not working. This is probably the toughest problem Ive ever had to face. Im definately making an appointment tommorow to speak with a councelor. A friend of mine sees one, I'll ask her for the number. Thankyou for the advice and kind words:)

broken heart and arm:
Im sorry that happened to you:( Thank God your alive and got away from him! It probably would have escalated if you stayed married to him.
Good luck and God Bless:)

HI, if you want my personal advice it is this, if you are truely over the marriage...then...
There are attorneys who will help without coming down with a retainer. I found one. My husband has supported me for 7 years, I have no independant income. The attorney went to court and was awarded the money to represent me, and my husband has to pay it. He also got me maintience, child support, plus my husband has to maintain all the bills.
You can also go to court and file a restraining order against your husband and he wont' be able to come near you or the kids. Court houses have domestic violence divisions. They can be a big help.
I wouldn't have made it if it wasn't for the courts making my husband pay....I have 3D's and one is a week old, I am also a recent burn survivor...husband dumped me out of hospital and 5 months prego...he had way too many GF's over 30 in 7 years, he forced 2 of them to get abortions, only two that I know of. The one girl had two by him, and was so regretful..he played the game..he'd be with her, they'd get married, but get the abortion now. The other girl was happy to not have anything to do with him after I contacted her, she then felt she made the right decision.
I am so sorry that your husband forced you to do that...

Damali, I'm glad you're getting help. Please post and let us know when you've made the appointment...also just how things are going for you on a day-to-day basis. I am in a tough situation, too, and I really sympathize with your sense of being overwhelmed. I'm working on making a list of what I'll have to do and taking it one step at a time. I KNOW from my own experience how scary this must be for you, particularly with such a volatile H, but you have many people here at MB who want the best for you. Keep in touch.

P.S. No disrespect to your brother, but please don't stick around just so you can finish school; there are other, better ways to finish your education--ways that would allow you to survive and even thrive.

Belle-
I'm still living with my H. He has been going to anger management weekly, and it does help. I met with his anger management therapist on the day we started MC because I wanted to make sure he was "physically safe" because MC can bring up a lot of difficult subjects.

Looking back, I most regret not having booted him out of the house after he broke my arm. For one thing, I was in a cast for more than two months and then was in a removable splint. I had just put back on my splint when we got in an argument about you-know-who (this was before the A was exposed) and he pushed me down on my arm. The arm has healed very well, but I look back and wonder what would have happened if I hadn't had that splint on.

You're pregnant. My H threw me down when I was seven months' pregnant. I remember being horrified at the time that he could have injured the baby. Please don't take that risk. He may take into his own hands the desire to have your baby miscarry. If you move out, it sends a loud message to your H that his behavior is unacceptable. I think that we would be a lot farther along in reconciling if I had booted him out back then.

I truly believe people can change. My H took responsibility for the abuse and he is working hard on being physically safe. You have three children to consider. Separtion isn't divorce. It's really a golden opportunity for your H to change his behavior and, in the meantime, you can move on.