I was married 17 years to my wife, in January she filed r/o to get me gone, since then there has been no contact, no chance for any chance to work it out, how does someone who has 2 young children not do everything possible to make a marriage work.
All along she was getting support for the divorce, her mom has never liked me, she has close divorced friends who she became reaquainted with, and she even had a very good male friend from her work, who just happened to file for divorce the same week she did, and ironically she has been seeing him a great deal.
Will it ever get better, she made it seem so easy to just dump me and not even talk to me and to start over, or as her mom said to me 1 month after being tossed away "she is no longer a part of my life"

I love my family and would have and still would do anything to make it whole.
Our divorce is pretty much final, but it is so hard to stomach, I only had contact with her 3rd hand thru attorney's.
It is so unreal and as far as I'm concerned so unfair to my children and me, they don't understand either.
I guess she didn't want me to reach her consience and realize what a mistake this is.................

It does get better. It takes time to heal from all of this (or is it always a healing process). One of the books that really helped me was Rebuilding when your Relationship ends by Dr. Bruce Fischer. It's nondeminational, but helps with all the questions you asked. If you are religious, they have a program called DivorceCare that is held in local churches. It too was a great comfort to me.

One thing that really stuck out in your post was:
"she made it seem so easy to just dump me " -- There is always one person that is far ahead in terms of *deciding* to end a relationship. Many times, it's the *dumpee* that feels the sting of betrayal, or unimportance, while the "dumper" seems to not care or is "having the time of their life." Realize...there are many different stages to this, and the more you start working on YOU, the better you will feel.

Emotions aside -- are you eating? are you sleeping? are you getting out? are you meeting with people? do you have a friend that you can talk to? do you have people you can do things with?

I'm hoping that more people will speak up here and give you some different views of all this. Hang in there. Things do get better.

Nods.

After my xWW's affair, I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of crawling back to her. Plan A failed. She broke NC. I was sick of being a doormat. When I found the proof and resolve I needed, I moved forward and from her perspective I did everything I could to make it seem just as callous as her A and I matched her thoughtlessness with calculated indifference.

This is the timeless story of divorce and I'm sorry it has played out so typically. But, dv is really anti-marriage so if you remember how happy you were when married... you have to kind of back out through all of that. Ultimately, everyone deals with the rejection of divorce differently too. I would suggest exercise and a few crazy things you've always wanted to do but haven't... like watching all of the vampire movies at Blockbuster or something.

Good luck.

Hi Rff,

The reason it " SEEMS " she has moved on so easily is because she disconnected months possibly years ago and had a plan. The BS is caught off guard when this occurs that's why we are so in much shock when D-day happens and they appear to move on like you never existed. You must remember this is not all about you but the WS has some big issues in most cases and in the end will have to deal with those.

I know it's painful but oneday the pain will end, all this will end oneday and if you work on you during this time, you'll find that you'll come out far ahead.

My Exww also got her advice from divorced family and friends as well, however they never knew of the multiple affairs she was having and only pushed her into more internal pain but yet they never knew it.

While it seems your WW has moved on and is having a blast without you and dating OM, it's not going to last...It will all end oneday between them...Don't waste your life sitting around waiting for it but start trying to pray, heal and move on...As much as you love her, you can't make her love you...She's going to have to "see and notice" what she misses and loves about you in time.

Sometimes the OM/OW can be the revealer of the WS of how bad they really are, then once they are exposed to a stranger they barely know they realize who really has the problem. She be hanging with a guy at work, but they don't " Know' each other as it appears, it's all a lust fantasy thing....

She may seem running off playing house or BF/GF is fun for now, but the day will come in any WS's life that the Glamour Girl or Guy they chased has dirty underware or garments to be washed, a dirty house to be cleaned, daily emotional fulfillment and needs to be met, etc....The grass may seem greener, but only for a season and it definitly has to be mowed.. some people are very high maintenance once all that occurs they ask ' where is the love?'....Well mature love is not a feeling but actions, actions of service..

As I say - The pilot may be out in a marriage but the gas is still on.....The WS can go get lit by someone else and burn for a while but the problem is ' They are a broken vessel' in need of repair...

Don't give up on her yet, but you must become who you really are....

The Potter can fix any broken vessel...

Take Care....

My problem is that I have no way of showing her what she is missing. She has a restraining order on me. And the real reason for it is as far as I can tell is she had been telling her co-worker (boyfriend) that she was in the middle of a divorce, when actually we were together, and then made the choice of him over me and did not want me to interfere with their blossoming romance.
It hurts not seeing my kids like I would like, It hurts knowing they don't have a whole family.
That from now on we will be shuffling our kids around, and according to her they won't ever have their parents together (what a thing to say).
That I can only go to events they have as long as she is not there (her choice).
How can someone you were with for almost 18 years just disown you and turn their back on you??????
I have been taking care of myself, best shape I have ever been in, going to church, involved 100% in every kid event (as long as she is not there).
BUT SHE WILL NEVER ALLOW HERSELF TO SEE
2 weeks ago I was in clear view of my 2 kids and her (coincedence at shopping mall), kids waved, she didn't even look my way, and hurried kids along............AMAZING..............

Can you write her a letter, telling her you are sorry for any way that you failed her, and that you are praying for her, including praying that she forgive you for whatever has caused her to give up on you? Maybe have someone else deliver it to her.

Is there some mutual person that could somehow show her that you have changed and want to meet her needs. I think a lot of prayer is necessary.

I will pray for you.

Gregg

Rff---I bet your WW is unable to face you. Shame and guilt are very destructive. I know as a women, I cannot sometimes handle the pile of emotions that I feel at times but I fight through them so I can do what is right. Many people cannot do that.

I usually take the initiative to contact WS. When I see my WS, it is very hard to look each other in the eye at first. He gets very flustered at times and looses his trend of thought when we are talking either on the phone or in person. I am sure many shameful, regretful thoughts are popping into his mind. He never calls me or makes any effort to contact me but I know him better than he knows himself. He never could face uncomfortable situations.....he would avoid anything that was uncomfortable at all costs. It is easier to avoid someone who makes you see what you don't want to then to expose yourself to conflicting feelings. I, too, have a huge range of feelings to deal with when I see him so it is not easy being in contact with a separated WS.

No one wants to admit they are doing the wrong thing. When she sees you, I am sure she has to deal with alot of different thoughts....that she is doing something very wrong which is effecting alot of people. If she is hanging with dv people, then she really needs heavy reinforcement to keep her focus on this "new and improved" life of hers. She will definitely see the light some day but I know many people when exposed to the light, they hid under a "rock". Maybe she won't but maybe she will keep hiding.

Sorry so much that you don't see your kids much. If you grow through this and become for them what they need when you see them, they will grow up to see you for who you really are. Just think about ways you can give them love and keep their respect and pray for their well being. Many things we have no control over....... especially unwilling spouses.

TW

The courts do not just hand out RO's like applying for a credit card. It just doesn't "happen" like some people would like you to believe. I would concentrate on the reasons why you now have an RO placed on you and work from there. Don't concentrate on how you can work *around* it. Writing a letter is also breach of an RO, so don't do it. Save your letters for your kids. Write a journal for them. Tell them about your day and what's going on. Apply for regular visits, even if they have to be supervised (believe me, if the RO was placed by a vindictive spouse, the courts WILL find out about it). Read the book Divorce Casualties by Douglas Darnell. Some parents place RO's on those that really don't deserve it, BUT, they do. You have to maintain a relationship with your kids. Work on YOURSELF. If this woman is bent on not seeing you, you can't *make* her. Love and Plan A'ing and Plan B'ing are fine, but I did notice that the plans didn't include how to approach it if you have an RO, children involved etc. Go to DivorceCare and develop a good supportive network for yourself. Pray.

I feel your pain as I am in the same situation. It's harder when your spouse cuts out and ceases all contact. I would rather she have gotten in my face or at least wrote a letter explaining why she abandoned me. But, that's not her way and she is very non-confrontational. I would encourage you to seek Jesus with all your heart and change yourself - you can't change her. Get involved with a good men's ministry and get some male support. Stay busy, be active, continue to exercise your spirit and body. I'm praying for you!

I have also been there.......WW separates, changes accounts into her name, files for divorce, is seeing OM (because he is also going thru hard times in his marriage), never considered reconciling at all, signs papers and divorces me.........only to question the divorce NOW a year later and once Im remarried. She says I didnt try hard enough to stay married.....WHAT?! I begged, went to the deacons at our church, sunday school teacher and counselor and finally to our Pastor. All of them said they talked with her and she said it was over and she wanted the divorce. How is the world did I not try hard enough? Its way too late now......Im remarried and quite happy. The sad part now is that OM is still in/out of her life and I believe still married. Now I have an EX with 2 young children......Oh Well??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That I can only go to events they have as long as she is not there (her choice).
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just so you know, the court documents should be written that you are each allowed to attend the children's events. So she can't keep you away (post RO), and it would be her choice if she were to stay away.

I don't know your situation, but if you were an involved father, make sure you assert your parental rights. If you aren't seeing the kids now (even supervised) it could be used against you in a custody fight. Your pastor could even be your supervisor. Too many parents lose valuable time with their children through this difficult process.

Also, find a rainbows class for your children. www.rainbows.org. They are great.