My wife and I are selling the house. We've been separated for 4 months and now we're losing our home. I need an answer and I've given her till the end of the year to decide whether or not she wants to quit on us entirely--get a divorce.

We both had a couple of EA's in the past year and a half and it's come to this. I moved out to try and make our relationship stronger and I can't stand her not caring about me anymore. I can see it in her eyes and feel it in the way she hugs me that her defenses are up. She keeps saying that we are tainted and that she just wants to start over and maybe move to another state. We have fun together and we're both physically attracted to eachother and we've proven that we can be friends. Why then wouldn't she want to try and work things out?

I've come to realize a lot about myself and what went wrong in our relationship. I've changed--She doesn't care. She says she doesn't want to hurt me but she's changed and she thinks our marriage was a sham. I refuse to take the blame nor do I believe that things couldn't improve to the point where we can love eachother again.

She is analyzing our relationship and why we never did certain things like have kids or move. She seems like a completely different person now--cold and heartless. I don't want to push her away but I can't ride this rollercoaster any longer. She missed me on labor day weekend but questions what she was feeling and why. Was it just that we are comfortable with eachother in our routine or was it something more heartfelt? Somebody please help me because I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

I'm sorry no one's responded to you until now -- but hopefully if I bring this up to the top you'll get more posts.

I'm sorry that you've had to find you way here. There are a couple of things that seem quite hopeful in your situation. Firstly, you said that she is hugging you (albeit not quite how you want -- but a hug nonetheless). There is SOME physical contact and a hug is one of love and not one of hatred. My ex wouldn't even hold a door open for me, much less give me a hug. During our separation my father died and he couldn't even give me a hug (now THAT is cold and heartless) -- so...have faith. It's a step.

You said that you've realized a lot of things about yourself. That's wonderful! But to let you know about what she may be thinking -- being separated for 4 months isn't a very long time for her to really believe that those changes are permanent. Keep working on yourself. Do you like the changes you have made? Are they changes that you feel needed to be made? It matters that the changes you make are a part of you. If it is something that is not likely to stick, then I can understand her hesitancy or maybe her "not noticing" Again -- this is a *time* thing.

Read the site -- learn about Plan A'ing or B'ing. There are others on here who have put those methods into action. I for one cannot advise you on that as I came here AFTER I was already divorced. I think it's a good sign that she missed you after Labour Day -- and questions why -- it means she is evaluating your relationship. Take the time to let her have her space, but continue to be loving. Again -- others on here can help you with this.

Hang in there ...sounds to me that you have a few bright spots in there yet.