The last few months have been very interesting. I have not posted much as I filed for divorce in early August.

In NJ, when you claim fault (adultery) or more accurately grounds, the defendant has 35 days to file a defense motion. If none is filed, it defaults to plaintiffs specific claims and relief.

She has filed nothing and has until next Friday to do so. And this week she called me up hysterical about $ 5 K she withdrew from her retiremnt account. She and the OM are apparantly having money problems.

It appears more likely than ever that she will default. I am surprised and a little disappointed that even in divorce she is unwilling to put up a fight.

Amazing. I guess she is foggier than I thought or maybe she a lot less interested in her life and outcome than I thought. I guess the alcohol has had a larger effect than I thought.

Even more amazing is that she has not seen her two sons in three months. And, rarely calls.

I will say this. She could do a dance of the seven vails for me, with six in the wash and I wouldn't give her a second thought. I feel so incredibly indifferent to her now. And, that feeling scares me more than just a little.

But I suppose this is what happens to BS after three affairs over the course of a sixteen year marriage (all hers).

Is it unusual feel this way?

I think that numbness may be what occurs when hope is extinguished.

Stay strong. And use the divorce support groups in our area.
I dont' know the age of your sons, but are you giving them the appropriate messages and not cutting down their mother. There are so many great books.
Mom's House / Dad's House
How to Speak to kids about divorce
How to help children cope with divorce the Sandcastles way
Dinosaurs divorce

Just because she hasn't seen them in 3 months, don't expect her to give up her parental rights. She'll probably fight for custody. Make sure you know what you want and stand firm. Just do the best you can for the children and get them any help they may need through this. They didn't ask to be put in this position. I really try hard to protect my girls and help them through this transition.
Good Luck.

Gregg, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I guess she is foggier than I thought or maybe she a lot less interested in her life and outcome than I thought. I guess the alcohol has had a larger effect than I thought.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I had to respond to this quote as well as </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel so incredibly indifferent to her now. And, that feeling scares me more than just a little. But I suppose this is what happens to BS after three affairs over the course of a sixteen year marriage (all hers).Is it unusual feel this way? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">because I so empathize with your feelings. Although they weren't my biological kids, my WH left me with six kids, including one of his own, and never looked back. I don't even know how many affairs my WH had, though I didn't realize there were any in our 18 years together until after the one he left me for... We can only take so much and when we've reached our limits, I think numbness can be a blessing.

Unusual? Sounds like self preservation to me.

To keep up a high level of attachment, grief, pain, would be self-destructive. You're normal and healthy.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I feel so incredibly indifferent to her now. And, that feeling scares me more than just a little."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why does feeling indifferent towards her scare you so much?

TMCM:
Ok, the short version. Simply because I want to attempt to have a civil relationship with her after the divorce. I am afraid that the process that has led me to indifference, will lead me to dislike her intensely. I know that emotional detachment is necessary.

Therefore:

I guess you have to tear it all down before you can build it back to the point of civility.

Guess my fears are groundless.

Thanks,

TMCM