I have never posted here but have met many of you on other topic threads. I wanted to know how many of you had "real" closure with your mates?? Till this day I have not and do not ever believe I will because of his behavior of not admitting to what he did to get to where we are now. We live in the same city, but never run into each other. He blames me for everything still even though I had nothing to do with the MOW not leaving her husband for him. I was wondering if closure was something you all felt was needed or weighs on your mind from time to time. My ex will not face me nor do I feel he thinks I deserve it which in itself speaks for his inner-self's abilities to grow up and take responsibility for his actions. I would appreciate your feedback to the question if you have the time. Thanks

IF closure means he closed his door on the way out the last time he was here - I got it --- otherwise -- nope.

You have to find the closure you need within, or in a way that doesn't include the other person most often. I don't believe it is something most people get when one spouse leaves, for whatever reason. I think closure would be something you could obtain from a mature person - but if you're married to a mature person - why are you getting a divorce?

Unless.......... you are the immature person... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Sorry - just my observation - somebody isn't beating their drum.

Jan

Neesha,

Have you read Dr. Harley's articles on infidelity and the mentality of wayward spouses? They rarely if ever experience remorse, although some do pay lip service to it. And they almost always manage to find a way to blame their infidelity on their spouses.

I suppose your post surprised me a little bit. Do you really think this guy will ever accept responsibility? Question: Wasn't getting involved with a married woman just a little bit irresponsible? Do responsible married people get involved in PAs with other responsible married people?

It is not at all surprising that your ex refuses to face you. Whether he admits it or not, it is going to be embarrassing for him to face you, he knows he decieved you and betrayed you. People will go to any lengths to avoid embarrassment, it is the number one reason any of us will tell a lie, little white lie, or great big lie, doesn't matter. The wayward spouse neither knows nor cares how much pain and suffering caused to his/her mate and the rest of the family. And the ww doesn't want to listen to it either. In the wayward's mind, the only reason you express displeasure or pain is to punish him or her. Anything the betrayed spouse says is often regarded as mere browbeating.

Dear lady, been there, done that. The only way I got closure was through time and acceptance. And acceptance takes time. Prayed the Serenity Prayer many times over. And everyone here who reads your post is going to feel for you.

<small>[ September 20, 2003, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: Bumperii ]</small>

Oh yes, I got closure within myself, it was just something I wanted to ask you all because I have been away from MB for awhile and was just catching up on some friends I have met here. That is what prompted the ?. So many are depending on the ex to validate something for them that they have to do for themselves, thus the prolonged agony.

It's funny, but my best healing that got me through that time was what closure and acceptance withing myself brought. And that was more than enough to keep him away from facing me. What makes him angry and resentful is that I survived and grew from the experience, while he remains living his life like a victim. Funny how that works.

Thanks for giving me your thoughts.

Early in separation I was looking for validation, but I realize now I have peace within my self. I will never get the "closure" you refer to from him. He's not capable.
I know my role in the M and the D, and am sure I made the right choices in the D, certainly not in the M.

I am still blamed and lashed out at. But, I found that closure wasn't going to come from her. It had to come from me. She is a closed chapter in my life. I sometimes think of her with dissappointment and then move on with my life.

I would suggest that closure may not be what you are expecting it to be... or that your expectations are too high - like some burden lifting from you. In the journey of my divorce, I felt burdens lift on many occassions. But, with the finality of the decree and her continuing blame and self-destruction, I realized I would never be able to sigh and know that I had let go of everything.

You'd need a lobotomy for that! With time and patience - I've found that Patience is my new buzz word these days - you'll find it. And, even after you find it, peace will come and go but with increasing irregularity until days, and then several days, and then weeks, and months will pass without hardly a passing thought to this chapter in our lives.

Be strong.

Neesha, I think this is a really good question. Like everyone else who's responded, I've been working on getting closure within myself ever since I realized that my my S(omeday)TBXH was not interested in reconciliation, only in stringing me along in order to ensure his financial security. I really relate when you said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Till this day I have not and do not ever believe I will because of his behavior of not admitting to what he did to get to where we are now. We live in the same city, but never run into each other. He blames me for everything still...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a deposition scheduled with him and our lawyers on October 29 to determine the exact date of separation - we have a business that I now run independently and the date of separation is important in determining its value - and, due to the restraining order I have against him, it will have been about a year and a half since I last saw him. Maybe if the divorce was already final it would be easier for me to let it go, but since I have a long legal hassle awaiting me, I still fantasize being able to say goodbye without recriminations.

Thanks,
I like to hear everyone's thoughts because it has become my belief that we are the ones that find the peace and closure within ourselves. I see how my life has broadened and I have grown from this ordeal. I think that's one of the major differences in recovery which I feel I am in. I am recovering MY SELF and expanding my horizons with the knowledge that came from such "chaos and pain". No matter what the circumstances are that lead us here, in the long run I see closure, growth, patience,and wisdom from everyone's posts that I have read. There is more of a calmness within me from having gone through the end of my relationship. Maybe I am just being a polyanna, but it's what I feel. Thanks to all that posted your thoughts.....take care and be well. I like a good topic to hear what others have to say.

Neesha,
Seven years ago my wife told me she was having an affair and wanted out. Three months later the divorce was final. It took me three and a half years, but the Lord told me I needed to forgive her and to be thankful for the years we had together. He told me not to play the blame game either. He told me That if I asked, He would make my forgiveness real, and He did. Today I can go to birthday parties, Christmas, etc., and have the best time with her right there. She no longer has a oneness with me and I have totally released her to God. But it's when you find the value in yourself and quit justifying the value that the marriage gave you, that you will have closure. Your value is the same Neesha, single, married, or divorced. Remember that. There is a saying " You won't mind rejection, unless you need affection from the one that is rejecting you ".
God Bless
singleguy