How do you get your X to communicate about the children's issues? I have all the books, but I can't get him to tell me even basic info. like they are sick.

See my tag line below that X's IC said he had "no communication skills". I started DD at a new school yesterday. Gave X 4 weeks to look at the school, and in his conflict avoidance mode, he thought if he ignored my request, I wouldn't move her. As PPR I can move her and did.
So the school calls this morning to say "XMIL is here to pick up your DD, you didn't tell us". Well, I didn't know. XMIL signed her up for swim lessons and neither X or XMIL bothered to tell me about or, or the fact that DD would be out of school one day a week.

How do others address this? Wouldn't you tell your X if you were taking your child out of school? He refuses e-mail, so I fax important information to him. But get nothing from him. I send letters to him with 10 questions, and if I'm lucky, I get answers to 3 questions. I communicate well at work, and am a professional. Please help me understand this.
Thanks.

well it is not your problem as I can see???? Sorry to say it may take more court time or mediator time, or PC/P time to get things straight between you and the x.... someone of authority that he "will have to listen too!!!"

I get the same type of treatment or non-communications from my X as if anything I say, do, or want to do is not of importance to her... everything is on her watch, her clock, and her say.... So I am also once again having a written statement from PC/P to the courts trying to get some type inforcement of what the rules are, that she has to follow the schedule as prescribed, and inform me of any issues with the girls.... It really Sucks.... beleive me!!!

Newly :

I am in the midst of a similar situation w/ a WW who is a conflict avoider and displays a real lack of concern for any of our sons issues.

I have long since given up on trying to understand why she is this way. When I decided it was time to move on from the marriage, I also decided to make any decisions about the boys, unilateral.

When she complained that she wasn't involved in the process, I simply said I wasn't waitng for her input anymore.

My point is this, make as many decisions as you legally and legitimately can about the girls welfare and interests without his input.

Forcing him will not work and it will drive you insane. As my Father once said to me "Let them figure it out". Let your X figure it out when you make the decisions

newly,

really, the only way you can get him to listen and cooperate is through his learning that if he doesn't, he has to go to court and lose money or time or he is punished in some other way. . until he learns. . .

there is no other way. . .

sorry,

but he is very, very npd, and that is very, very tough to live with. . .

wiftty

I guess I'm still trying to keep him informed as a father and hope that he wants to be involved.
I should just make the necessary decisions and move on. So many people can at least coordinate for the sake of the children. I feel bad that it doesn't work in our case.

We both agreed (in legal documents) to go to an MC to work on communication, but X keeps ignoring my requests, as well as following up on counselors for the children.

I married an idiot.

BTW Gregg, are you going to the Oktoberfest dance at St. James next month? Maybe I'll meet you there.

Newly,

I think you may have answered your own question.
QUOTE
"I guess I'm still trying to keep him informed as a father and hope that he wants to be involved".
I should just make the necessary decisions and move on".

Thats the key here. Make a decision and keep him informed. His action or reaction will be out of your control. But, you will be able to say that you made him aware of what was going on. I think thats about as responsible or as guilt-free as you can get.
(Of course, eating low-fat,salt or non-hydrogenated foods DOES provide me with that guilt-free feeling too).

Now...(reaching over for dunce cap with STUPID written in red,bold letters) I must ask you a question, if I may.

I know when October is, but I have no idea which St. James to which you refer. Care to help me with this ?

OK..I went back and searched some posts AFTER I replied to you in my last post.(DUH !) It occurred to me that you live in NJ (while I was writing my last post). See, the dunce cap was useful.

So, this is cool. I have it narrowed down to the right state. Is it possible that St. James is in a town beginnig with the initials CP ? If not, care to tell me where?

S, my answer to you

OK..I went back and searched some posts AFTER I replied to you in my last post.(DUH !) It occurred to me that you live in NJ (while I was writing my last post). See, the dunce cap was useful.

So, this is cool. I have it narrowed down to the right state. Is it possible that St. James is in a town beginnig with the initials CP ? If not, care to tell me where?

OK..I went back and searched some posts AFTER I replied to you in my last post.(DUH !) It occurred to me that you live in NJ (while I was writing my last post). See, the dunce cap was useful.

So, this is cool. I have it narrowed down to the right state. Is it possible that St. James is in a town beginnig with the initials CP ? If not, care to tell me where?

Sorry about the triple post. I have no idea how that happened.

No, not CP. Someone from NJ goes to a DSG nearby and I thought it was you.
St. James in Pennington is having a divorce dance in October, and the local DSG's are promoting it.

Ok.....know where Pennington is.. ........wasn't aware of DSG's...are they Catholic Church sponsored ?

Pennington is Catholic, and just recently started up. There's also one in Hamilton, NJ.
I go to a Presbyterian DSG, and the kids support group is through a Methodist church. And since MB is probably Lutheran based - given its Minnesota roots, I think I've hit all denominations by now.

Newly:

lol...well, no one can question your spirituality or open mindedness.

newly-

A little off the subject but....

How did you locate the divorce support group you attend?

What does this group do? How have they helped you? Sometimes I feel like I'd like to participate in such a group where I live (if I could actually find one) but then I'm not sure what I'd get out of it. Thanks for any feedback.

HoFS

I started going to my DSG because it was listed as a Separated/Divorced Support group. I found it 6 weeks post separation and never believed I'd be divorced. I think God led me to the support I needed.

What does this group do?
I've attended a few different groups and each operates differently. In my group, there is a weekly meeting, which is opened with a prayer and a pertinent article for discussion. The key is that each attendee gets to speak, give an update on their situation and ask for opinions or suggestions, or just gets an opportunity to vent. Its a very interactive group. Some groups dont' allow discussion, this one does.
How have they helped you?
Early on, I needed to feel like I was heard. I cried almost every meeting, and got some much needed emotional support. My friends were burning out quickly on my complaining. I also had an IC which helped, but I needed to get out and go someone where people had dealt with similar issues.
The group changes each week. Some people who are much further out of the process still come to help new attendees, and to lend support.
Its a friendly open group, encouraging growth, as well as realism in the process.
It also helps to get ideas on how to handle the legal process, settlement stuff, and childrens' issues.
There is also an email list for meeting notices, or for people who want to send out a question. Our group plans activities, so there is usually a social event at least every two months. This may be an email about meeting at a restaurant for a birthday party (always with or without kids), a summer picnic (I had two at my house), or even a painting party when someone moves into a new residence.
It is not a group for dating. Just friends helping each other. I am blessed to have met a wonderful friend who was slightly ahead of me in the process and really speeded my recovery but showing me some books which were extrememly helpful. A close guy friend helped me with minor home repairs, and also lends the male perspective to the custody and child care issues.

I know not all groups are alike, but I found some great ones.

I also suggest www.rainbows.org for the kids. And the pastor that leads ours was great with the parents. We can't go this fall (its on daddy's day) and I"m very disappointed, but I will attend again.

Now I feel like I can give back to the group, if only through e-mail, or parties. I've emailed and had phone conversations with people I've never met but who just needed a supportive listener.

I've gotten some great friends from my group, and many different perspectives on the divorce and custody issues. I don't know what others will get. Some from the group will e-mail when they want to go to a movie, or out for drinks, or to a music event. It's very non-threatening, and the ages run from the 30's to the 70's. And I've heard every possible divorce story, so my experiences don't seem so odd.

I highly recommend these groups. Go a few times before you give up on one, but find one that helps you feel comfortable and recover.

Good Luck.

What if you sent everything certified mail? Or return receipt requested? What if you put him on automatic redial for the fax unless he responds? Or you could develop a bunch of aliases for the email.

He refuses to do e-mail. Last night was the open house at school. He did show up. I told him about it on the phone on Tuesday and he said I hadn't told him. AH had all the calendars, so I was just telling him to be nice. Next time I won't.

It just gets old. I'll e-mail my house thoughts to you.