Well, I have been working with my sons since their mom decided she wanted a divorce. I moved out because I couldn't stay and keep any semblance of reasonable nature going. It was me or her, and I was much more capable of staying stable through a move with my boys.

Last evening, normal good evening. We do homework, have supper, go to the gym, play charades then head to bed at normal time. Just a regular old night at our home. About 10 minutes after they get in bed, I hear my oldest boy sobbing. He says he is very upset about the divorce and doesn't understand why I didn't want his mother.

I have NEVER said that at all. I have tried with everything I am to show her respect and concern within my ability to cope with her as the person who betrayed and left our family. I have never spoken ill of her. I didn't know what to say.

I am worried that I might have said too much, but I didn't know how to answer his pointed questions. He is 10 and relatively advanced to probably 12 or so mentally. Anyway, he asked why I wanted the divorce. I told him I did NOT want the divorce. He said "I thought you had to agree to it." I told him that when one person doesn't want to be married, the other person can't do anything to stop it and can't make the other person want to stay or love any longer. I explained that what if his best friend said he didn't want to be friends anymore and never see him again. There was no way that he could MAKE his friend want to be friends any longer. No matter what he did, if that person didn't want to be friends.

He just cried and cried all night. I said this all as softly and NON-ACCUSATORILY as I could think. I tried to skirt the issue initially, but he just wouldn't let my vague answers be enough. He then said that he couldn't understand 'How one person could have so much power to hurt so many other people.' I just hugged him. I didn't have an answer. He said it felt like he 'hit a wall and couldn't go around and couldn't find a door.' He said it was like everything was going fine and then he is told that nothing is right and everything is wrong and everything has to change. He can't understand how anyone would want this to happen.

Wow!!!! I really didn't know what to say. I have called a counselor and will be taking him soon. He has been relatively good and I thought maybe he was doing OK, but out of the blue he just hit bottom last night. We don't have Banana Splits or Rainbows or any sort of groups like that here for him. It is so sad to see him trying to figure out how someone can love him and still choose to cause him so much pain. I could really sense that in him last night. He said, 'I understand more now Daddy. I know you are always there. I love you.'

I told him his mother loves him. I never said anything derogatory or accusatory to him, but just saying the little bit of truth was like I was condemning her and I didn't know what to say. I couldn't just try to smooth things over, because it has been over a year since she left, and I didn't want to push down his feelings.

I told him to pray, and that praying helps me everyday. I told him God will watch over him and guide him through this. I told him I am here for ever and for any questions or thoughts he might have to say. I just couldn't have him thinking that I was the initiator of all his pain. I have tried to be strong in front of them. But I know that he has always sensed that I was very sad about the divorce.

Man... I just hope I didn't hurt him more than help him last night. I pray I didn't...

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: Formerly Confused ]</small>

You allowed him to express his feelings and to grieve. Some people are never allowed to do that. You are doing fine with him. This is all new territory. Keep taking the high road with the X.

I struggle with this too. My 6 year old has always been extremely verbal, and would make astute statements at age 3, when all of it started. She would ask very pointed questions, and I didn't know how to answer them without disparaging her father. I knew I had to tell the truth, but to do so in a way that wasn't putting him down. It is hard, because there is such a thing as right and wrong, and my children recognize the difference.

I think you handled it exactly right, and I'm so glad your son was able to open to you about it. The OW's son (my godson!) hasn't been able to open up too much about his mom leaving to his dad or the counselor, so I think it is positive your son has done so. Your advice to pray about it and turn to God was right on - we can't take away all the pain, but God can. A good Christian therapist would may be helpful both to him but also to you. The one we went to helped me figure out what to say to the kids regarding the divorce. Good luck -I think the pain I felt for my kids going through this was equal if not stronger than the pain I felt for myself.
Krista

From what you've explained I'd say you are a very strong man & care a lot about your children.

Thank you for sharing your experience, I too am a single parent (just recently) of a 4 (soon to be 5) and 2 year old daughters. It has been very hard on our 4 year old especially. She is very advanced. She has this way about expressing her feelings and knowing how to go about it in ways that you wouldn't emagion a child of that age could comprehend.

She asked me the other day why her daddy was so different now. It has been almost a month since I had him leave our home due to his betrayal & he comes over to visit our children often, its just that he doesn't play with them the same anymore since he's carrying the baggage of loosing his W & being alone.

That I know will soon change, last night they were chasing each other through the hallways and he had the baby up on his sholders laughing so hard she was drooling in his hair. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I also wanted to say thank you for giving me such an inspirational poem. I feel every word written and I plan to copy it down and put on my bathroom mirror. God bless you & your family <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
======================================
I trust, I have faith
I love my children,
and I love God
Following God allows me to love,
Loving allows me to heal,
Healing allows me to believe,
Believing allows me to live,
Living allows me to hope,
Hoping allows for a future,
My future is what I make of it for myself and my children.
I love my chances... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

=================================================

I have similar issues with my maturing 7-1/2 y.o. daughter and her friends. Last weekend, she brought her 9 y.o. friend on visitation weekend who happens to be Afro-American. Her friend loves the LA Lakers. I'm sitting at the breakfast table reading the NY Post and there's a headline about Kobe Bryant. Her friend asks me "what did he do anyway?" Well, I didn't want to start talking about rape and so forth, so I said, "Well, he is married and he was involved with another woman, and it goes further than that but you're not grown up enough yet to understand. Imagine if you were married to someone and that person had a girlfriend, just imagine how hurt you'd be." To which my darling daughter says, "I think he should go to jail for that."

Hope I didn't go too far.

Anyway, these kids just develop in leaps and bounds and I can't keep up with it.

<small>[ September 23, 2003, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: catamount82 ]</small>