My 2 sons have told WH that they like to spend time with him, but not with OW. WH is quite upset by this. Says he misses the kids so much, and if I would "just get over it" and tell them to go ahead and accept his reationship, then the boys would accept it.
I have talked to the boys. Older one says he doesn't like her, will never like her, and will not spend time with Dad if OW is there. Yonger one now says "Well, Dad told me that if I just took time to get to know her, I would like her, so I think I should spend more time with her to get to know her like Dad says.
I am dying inside. These are my kids - not hers. Why should they learn to accept their fathers sinful, adulterous realtionship?? WH still claims to be a christian, yet he has recently moved in with this woman, and her kids. No papers have been filed at this point - this is a sinful relationship. I am trying to teach my kids the difference between right and wrong, but suddenly their Father is on the other side!
Should I fight him on this?
Or send kids to his new duplex, so all invlolved will get a good taste of reality?

You are really in a ticklish situation and I will pray for you. Your H is living in sin but he can't run from the Holy Spirit. I feel you should stick to your guns on this. Your kids are old enough to know they want nothing to do with the OW, though they love their dad. I agree they don't need to be exposed to this sick lifestyle as if it is "normal". Dad can arrange to see the kids at a neutral location if he doesn't want to come to your house. He should respect their feelings, but he is in a spiritual fog right now and not thinking rationally. Hang in there and God bless!

I can certainly understand how you feel, and in my opinion your children are both old enough to make their own decisions about whether they want to spend time with their father if the OW is also to be present.

And while I can understand your hesitation... I do think it is important for you to make sure that your boys are not making this decision based on what your thoughts and feelings about it are.

They have to choose whether to be around the OW for themselves, and not make their decisions based on the fact that they don't want to hurt you.

My x married the ow. I encouraged the children to have a relationship with her and their father (even while they were living together before they married). I don't think it's healthy to promote anger in children and it is both my opinion and my experience, that children do look to the custodial parent for guidance on how to react to the new couple.

I won't tell you that I was happy to do it, or that it didn't hurt me terribly. I remember one day when my middle daughter told me that I was her "favorite mom." It was a knife through my heart. Still, I smiled at her (she was only 10) and told her, "since I am your ONLY mom, there isn't really any competition."

Of course, it turned out that my x was trying to create a happy little family with the ow taking my place. I simply called him up and informed him that it would be in his best interest to remember that I was the ONLY mother our children had. Further, I explained that I had chosen to make the transition easier, but that I was equally capable of making his new life a living hell. Since I had already been cooperative (for the sake of my children), I had the leverage of withdrawing that cooperation at any time. Upon contemplation, my x decided it was in his best interest (of course <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )to back off, and he did in fact, tell the children that even though his wife loved them like they were her own <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> , they only had ONE mother.

We continued along that path for several years. Eventually, my children came to detest her but they reached the conclusion completely on their own, without any encouragement from me. That spoke volumes to their dad and his wife. How many times have you heard a divorced parent say, "my former spouse turned the kids against their step-parent and me."? I was not about to give my x and his wife that kind of solace. I knew the ow's colors would eventually come out, and they did. By the time each of my children finally said, "I will not spend another minute with that woman" he couldn't blame them or me, nor did he even try.

But, I received the greatest gift, in the end. I have the unconditional love and complete respect of my children. They truly believe that I am better parent. Not because I told them so; it's because I showed them so. I didn't let them carry any guilt for "liking" the ow. I knew, in my heart, it wouldn't last.

But, yes, it can be very difficult ESPECIALLY when the other parent is going against the values you are trying to instill. I found there are other ways to instill the value, without using the former spouse as the bad example.

Good luck to you,
-BTM