Okay, I made a mistake.

My H & I have been split up for about a month now. His continued betrayal and dishonesty stemming back from day 1 of our 7 year relationship was just enough for me to conceive to try to forgive him for so I gave up.
Yeah, not very MB of me & I know some may disagree but there is a whole lot of in betweens (such as physical abuse, anger problems, messing around w/ my own sister...etc.) that lead me to making this decision.

Anyways, he has been coming over frequently to visit our two young daughters. I have set the pain away for them while he is around & aquired the same "clown" face while he is there visiting with our mutual friends also.

Well, as a woman I have my needs...I am by no means ready nor in the position to just give myself away so freely & being a MARRIED woman still...I screwed up and coaxed <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> him into making love to me last night.

I wouldn't say I screwed up if it wasn't for the fact that now he's being overly friendly with me. Now it's not "Becky" it's "Baby" & rather then "Bye, talk w/ you later" it's "Love You"..and I don't need that crap right now.

I hate to say he has hardened my heart and taken a big chunk of the love and respect I have had for him & threw it out the door everytime he messed around, even every time he represented himself as a "non-married" man!

I'm very surprised I don't feel differently about him nor the situation since we were intimate last night. It was our first time being alone together since he left our home & we sorta got caught up in the moment. He left and went to his apartment shortly thereafter & I was fine with that. I don't feel like being subjected to his "cake and eat it to" fettish but at the same time I have my needs too.

Now I'm not sure what to do. I don't think it is a good idea to continue a sexual relationship with him. Obviously he is thinking about it much differently then I. Being the BS I don't expect him to understand where I'm coming from, I am assuming he thinks I still love him just the same? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> wish I could.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I don't want to hurt him but I feel like if this change in his behavior gets a litte TOO friendly & a little to "I'm used to you, lets have things back the way they were..I want to come back home" attitude I'll have to write him a really long letter explaining all my feelings & attempting to make him aware of the position I am in now. I can't trust a single thing he says & I know I'm better then that then to have to question every single thing in order to be & feel loved.

(no offense to anyone) but that is just too damn much for too little.

What do you suposse I do? Make sure we don't become intimate again...?? I know communication is the key but I can't talk w/ him. He jokes around way to much for me to know if he's serious and making sense.

Anyone been in this same situation? I could really use some thoughts on this issue. Forgive me for rambling.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Thanks,
Becky

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 01:38 PM: Message edited by: FINDING_CLARITY ]</small>

{BUMP}

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ September 26, 2003, 01:36 PM: Message edited by: FINDING_CLARITY ]</small>

Becky,
I know there are people who post at MB who have been through this...just can't remember their names at the moment. I suggest you start this same thread over on the GQ (General Questions) forum, you might get more responses.
There isn't as much traffic on these boards over the weekend, so maybe someone will see this Monday. Sorry I can't give any advice myself.

Hi,

I've been doing the same thing. I didn't start it he did. I told him, I wouldn't feel wright since he is engaged. I myself have been with him all my adult life, 23 years. Two nights ago i got a nasty voice mail from the OW. She said I should get over it, well this set me off. I called her and tolder we had been together since about a dozen times since he left. Later he called me and said I was just trying to make trouble. Not true just missed him. I do need to learn to be alone. Some days it's not easy. I now know, I need to be strong. OW will not even aloud him to see the kids alone. She doesn't trust me, the funny thing it is't me she shouldn't trust.

I'm not sure is it missing him, or just loneness.
I feel like I lost some self respect. I know it will get better. I if I could do it over I would say know. not worth it at all.

Good luck,
Kathy

I did the same thing shortly after separating. Sometimes just being out of the stressful situation opens you up to that kind of physical release. Problem is… husbands have a hard time understanding that their estranged wives could just use them for physical pleasure.

I think you should explain to him that the sex really didn’t mean anything. Probably that’s what he told you about his PA’s, so he should understand. [mischievous wink]

Politely request that he never ever call you “baby” again and don’t respond to “love you” or its variations. That should do it.

Personally, I’m considering investing in a vibrator. It’s got to be less stressful and cheaper than men.

Oh my ladies, since I last posted I have had sooo much drama w/ this man.

First of all, I agree with KP it is sooo not worth sleeping w/ em'.
I do feel like I let my guard down & I started feeling weak again just after one sexual encounter with him.
I didn't realize that later after a couple days past...I started trying to sort my thoughts and bring it to god in prayer & I came to the conclusion that I will not continue through all this pain to give him his cake and let him eat it too!!
I might be lonely, I might want that attention but you know as long as I continue to let him forfill my needs (and half a**'d to be exact) it will just leave me open again. OPEN TO BEING SCREWED! (excuse me for saying it)so why not just buy myself a little something & keep the feeling I had before... STRENGTH, WILL, DRIVE, & everything thing else affiliated with BEING STRONG and letting his a@# go! I was feeling so good about holding it down, having support from friends (that I didn't need from him!) & maintaining my job..my girls...

I'm getting back on track & now I realize the bitterness stems to the surface more then I'd like it to but I'll get over it in all good time & with god's help and love.

Greenables <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> you had me cracking up girl. Thanks for the laugh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I wish I could have continued to feel as confident (and yet confused) as I did when I first wrote this post. I drew it all in. Got a little frustration out, felt as if I used him & in some sick way it empowered me into believing that I would be okay. (dumb i know!) But then I realized what I was doing by allowing him to have me again. He may not be with me anymore, may not be living in my home, or have any of the other things that were at his fingertips when we were together...BUT by allowing myself to be with him sexually...I wonder what message he was receiving.
I still think a big reason why he was messing around all this time was because of his very low self esteem..guess he figured variation would be exciting & it would make him feel empowered and wanted??? I don't know. But if so, why the hell would I feed into it by allowing him to sleep w/ me!! ahh!! I wasn't thinking of it at the time though.

Well, it won't happen again I know that much for sure. It is hard though. If it wasn't for the fact that I take the marriage covenant extremely seriously...I wouldn't wait for the divorce..I'd go get some from a cute guy friend of mine and serve him the way he should have been fed from the get go...BUT..come on now I said "BUUUUT" I'm not going to ever do that. Everytime I think that way I want to pray for the thoughts not to become concreted into my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wish me luck & I will do the same with all of you! Thank you for listening.

avondale-
thanks by the way for referring me along so that I can get some further insight.

I don't think I need to wonder anymore, but it is still benefical to know where I can go to get more reponses.

I know I'm not the greatest writter. My mind runs faster then I can type and things just don't get out the same as when you are speaking of them. I was beginning to think people were dodging my posts because I ramble on so much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ September 30, 2003, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: FINDING_CLARITY ]</small>

Clarity,
I think you’re on track. Plus, if your husband is a real philanderer, sex isn’t really safe with him. Just keep in mind that lots of couples have one last night. And speaking of cute guy friends…. I’m holding out, too, but I have an old friend/lover who I have my eye on. Of course, he’s two hours away and I’ve only spoken to him three times in 8 years. BUT… He could fill my needs, no strings attached.
On the other hand, been there done that. And am not going back.

Instead I think I'll enjoy masculine beauty from afar.