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Joined: Apr 2000
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I believe my stbx has passive aggressive personality disorder. Quite literally, the things he doesn't do are the most painful aspects of our marriage. He stonewalls any suggestion I have, even if the suggestion benefits him. The best example I have is the refrigerator story. He moved out early last year. Two refrigerators were here at the house. All he had to do was come get one. He declined. I'd mention it again every three or four months. There's no rational reason for him to live without one. He finally came to get one after 16 months. He's not a well man and to this day he refuses to see so much as an eye doctor. Not the typical mb scenario, but that's what I have. Hope that's enough of a snapshot for me to get some feedback.

On Monday I have a consultation with an atty who has a masters in psychology. I'm hoping this atty will be one that 'clicks' with me and understands p/a. I had an episode of ugly two weeks ago with stbx when I asked for cooperation with his financial statement. He said he's not signing anything until the house is up for sale, I'll be sorry if I even think about keeping the house, I planned this divorce years ago, yada yada ad naseum. I had hoped we could file an uncontested divorce. I admit, it's a lofty notion, one that flew out the window that day. Two weeks later, that lofty notion is knocking in my brain again.

Many of you are voices of reason. Should I file contested papers and get them served without any further attempts at discussion?

Perhaps one more snapshot is in order here. Stbx's long standing pattern is to get ugly when something outside his comfort zone intrudes on his life. Not once in 16 years has he ever followed through with nasty things he says he's gonna do. He typically blows a gasket, doesn't talk to me for a while, then pretends nothing happened, and sometimes he's more reasonable when the topic comes up again.

It's a huge understatement to say uncontested divorce is a long shot. I had sort of decided to just get the papers drawn, filed and served. Now I'm wavering, wondering if I should try that long shot. The benefits would be huge if it works. If it doesn't, then I still have the option to file anyway. I know how self absorbed he is. I believe I can present an uncontested as something more beneficial for him than a contested. I've had some success in the past in presenting him with choices and leaving it up to him to choose. Two years ago, I didn't think I'd ever accomplish a separation without moving myself out of the house. As it turned out, he moved. Imagine that! Perhaps that bit of a coup allows that nagging hope of uncontested to keep returning. Voices of reason, please weigh in.

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I had hoped we could file an uncontested divorce. I admit, it's a lofty notion, one that flew out the window that day. Two weeks later, that lofty notion is knocking in my brain again.

Many of you are voices of reason. Should I file contested papers and get them served without any further attempts at discussion?

Just because he is served, does not mean it is a contested divorce.

Service simply means that a divorce has been filed and it is legal notice to the other party.

He can contest the divorce in his response to the papers served. Doesn't mean he will though.

If he doesn't reply or do anything, then it is uncontested.

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Thanks for responding chris. I suppose it would be uncontested if he doesn't respond. I don't know what he would do. The distinction in my mind between contested and uncontested is the way uncontested papers have both our signatures at the time of filing, there's no need for the sheriff to serve papers, and the rest of the course is simply a matter of letting the 60 day clock run. For me, the level of uncertainty is much higher in filing contested. In either case, I need an atty to help me, and I'll see how I like this next one on monday.

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I suppose it would be uncontested if he doesn't respond.
It can be uncontested, even if he responds.

For me, the level of uncertainty is much higher in filing contested.
Do you mean filing and having him served? Again, that is not necessarily uncontested or contested?

If you want a divorce, then yes, you should try to work it out before filing but if that is not possible, then just file.

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My h. is passive/aggressive, probably to the level of a disorder. So, I understand. Oh, boy do I understand.

I filed for divorce. My H always said that if that’s what I want, fine. And he’d sign anything that was reasonable. True to his word, he’s after me to have all the paperwork rushed along.

I can’t even guess what your husband may or may not do. I do know that p/a’s use lack of movement as a method of control. They control by immobilizing others with their promises to do thus and such, which they in their own minds they’ll get to when they’re ready, which is never. Meanwhile, we sit around waiting to get on with our lives.

With that in mind, I suggest if you want a divorce, to file.

My H. also has a nasty habit of not doing anything that is someone else’s idea. In fact, he’ll do the opposite. You’ve said your STBX is similar. Therefore, it may be counter-productive to point out how it’s in his best interest to not contest the divorce.

Let me know how it goes. I could really use some ideas on coping too.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It can be uncontested, even if he responds.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I suppose the realm of options includes him receiving the papers and saying ok. Is that what you mean? Given the personality of my stbx, I can't see it as something he would do, but it's certainly an option available to him.

gg, dr phil had a show several months ago on p/a. He said it was one of the most difficult conditions to treat. The other condition was paranoid schizophrenics who really DO have someone after them. LOL I thought he'd say narcissism for the other. I hope for all the best in your situation.

My stbx is a tough one. In so many ways, he's very predictable. Then he'll throw me off balance with something unexpected. If I could count on him being predictable, things would be easier. I've learned to detach, so it's more difficult for him to throw me off balance. I know my view of reasonable is way different from his. To this day he believes he's a nice guy, he never hit me therefore I'm not abused. His nice guy image is important to him, his self interest is important to him.

During the episode of ugly described above, it really felt like he was drawing me into a game of tug o war. Well, it takes two to play that game. I didn't pick up my end of the rope. What's so tricky in hammering out an aggreement with a p/a is their reluctance to state their own desires, yet they'll fight tooth and nail to prevent me from getting what I want. Further compounding these dynamics is the way he'll 'decide' what I want and it doesn't matter to him if my true desires are different from his preconceived ideas. I used to actually argue with him about what my thoughts, plans and desires are. Now there's something that goes nowhere fast.

gg, I learned to be very tightlipped with him regarding my activities, my plans. Now he thinks I'm sneaky. I simply tell him I share details of my life with people who show interest. He's not interested in my desires. He seems to believe he already knows what my desires are, and it doesn't matter to him if he's guessing right or wrong. My desires are simply a piece of rope for him to play a game of tug o war.

The strategy I used during separation was to be flexible in all things but one. I wanted a separation, non-negotiable. Everything else was negotiable. This time it's divorce. I'll be flexible in all things but that. There is nothing he can legally do to prevent this divorce from happening, whether it's sooner or later.

He has options, and the way this plays out is really up to him. I can't actually say what I want in order to get what I want from him. In my mind, I see two routes. The well-paved speedway that gets us from point a to point b in the most economical and expeditious manner, or heading up a steep and rocky mountain path that will take a lot of time, money, energy. I'm willing to travel either path. Posting here, of course, I can freely state my preference. Dealing with him, all I can really do is offer him choices.

If he chooses the rocky road, there's not a dern thing I can do about it. I could choose to just roll over and stay legally married to him, of course, but that's a non-option in my mind. gg, I think the key to finding cooperation with a p/a is to have the goal well defined in your own mind and refusing to lose sight of it. When I was 'negotiating' the separation, I was willing to pay a very high price for it. If he had refused to move, then I would have been forced to move out myself in order to carry out the ultimatum. He would have defaulted on the house payments and fallen into foreclosure. It was a price I was willing to pay to get the separation. That's the portion of the equation that is so difficult. As it turned out, he moved and I stayed in the house, which is what I wanted. It could have easily turned out different. This round feels very similar. I might get what I want, or I might get to the other side of the mountain tired and worn with the clothes on my back. It's a price I'm willing to pay. Having that resolve takes away the effectiveness of his stonewalling. That's been my experience anyway.

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Lonesome, we could be living the same life! That is exactly what my life is like.
I’m curious: Was your h. diagnosed as p/a or is that your diagnosis? Thanks for sharing your story.

You should have seen my h. in MC. You could take his responses and build a very funny movie.
MC: B, Anne has said what she needs before she can reconnect with you. What do you need from her?

B [shrugging]: Nothing really.

MC: Oh, come on. Stay with me here. What do you need?

B: I don't know.

MC: B, that's giving Anne too much power over the situation.

B: Uh, I think.... I need her to stop being so moody.

[B. sighs with relief.]

MC: To stop being so moody. OK. Anything else?

B: No that's it.

What the MC failed to realize was that by not giving me any information at all, B actually controlling the situation. Knowledge is power. And it enables action and decision. By holding back what he wanted from me and what he wanted in life, he stymied me in my decision making process. As in everything else from going on a vacation to painting the house.

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It's speculation that my stbx has papd. He did agree to MC a couple of years ago. I don't think our C had the proper credentials to make an official diagnosis, but thank goodness she was aware of the condition and was very helpful to me in understanding it. To the degree a rational person can understand it...

For a very long time, my stbx wouldn't even say what he wanted for dinner. It was a sick dance that came around every day. The behavior spanned every topic, and it was especially difficult when it came to finances. By refusing to engage and leaving all the decisions up to me, he could paint himself blameless when things went wrong. He provided no income for a solid three years along the way, yet it was MY fault that we had financial difficulties because I was the only one handling the checkbook.

Well, it's almost time for my atty appointment. Surely a masters in psychology will know about papd. I hope to be better informed about contested and uncontested and what my options are very soon.

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Any news, lonesome?

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Thanks for asking gg. I liked the atty I met yesterday. What I was thinking of as uncontested, he calls 'simple.' Like any of this is simple! Relative to the other route, it is much simpler to get papers drawn and have both spouses sign before filing. If stbx refuses to sign, I can still file, get the clock ticking, and stbx will have the choice of doing nothing (his hallmark!) or retaining an atty to slog through the trenches with us.

Being separated for so long, thinking that I could be married and recovering at the same time is good up to a point. Over the last two months my heart felt like a lead weight was hanging on it and movement of any kind was a huge battle against inertia. I hope and pray that after all this time my sails will be good and ready to catch the wind and carry on.

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LH, Don't worry. You'll sail forth stronger for your time in port. The journey is always the hardest when it's time to board the boat, toss off the line, and leave the pier.

Is the weather going to hold?
Did I forget something?
Is the radar working properly?


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