Hello, <BR>I have posted in here before “No OM ...But not attracted to me”. Things are still bad. W does not feel the Love for me. She say’s she loves me as a friend and as the father of our child, but not intimate. <P>We have been together since we were 19 then 3 years later we were wed. We are now 32. I have always loved my wife and always wanted to protect her. In her youth she was wild and did crazy things and I have come to realize that I didn’t trust her wild side, so I hade to subdue that side. But I never wanted to kill her strong side. I liked the fact that she would stand up for herself, and stood her ground. I never wanted a girl that was solely dependant on me. <P>We have been seeing a counselor for 5 weeks and she has opened our eye’s to a lot. I have been dominating in arguments of the past and have tried to rule. She has stopped fighting me and just giving in. This slowly ate away at her. We have not argued in along time, even now. She and I think her final straw was when she had lost her job and only wanted to go to school and all I could think about was our financial state and how crappy my job was and that I didn’t think it was fair to carry this myself. Without have anybody for me to get support and her being the easiest target, I told her that………”She had been a chore”……………..This obviously was not the thing to say.<P>When that statement exited my mouth I knew how wrong that was (I’m sure I had been just as much work at times), but the damage was done. We have also talked about how unfair it was for her to stop communicating her displeasure with my domineering side, and stop standing up for herself. I at times would fight with her and know that I was going to win because there was no other way I would let it happen. THIS WAS WRONG…I wouldn’t treat a friend like that and I sure as Hell wouldn’t expect a friend to put up with it.. she, however did. And this ate her up.<P>I am angry that I have now been shown the problems and see ways of fixing them and strengthening our marriage but she is not in love so I don’t get a chance to repair them. She says sometimes Love dies. This hurts <P> She wants a separation and I have to respect her wishes. In no way am I happy about this or do I want the marriage over. But she keeps saying that the feeling isn’t there. I am having a terrible time dealing with this. I Love her so much, and it hurts so bad that that isn’t returned anymore. <P> She has started a new part time job, and is going to go to school full time. I will stay in the house because I can afford it and she will get an apartment with the help of her grandparents. We will share custody of our son. I keep in my mind that maybe when she is on her own she will reawaken the side of her that is in love with me and we will be together again.<P>This is a terrible test of my faith. I was just ordained to the Priesthood this year as a Deacon, and a big question was raised to my wife by the church. Will you be there for your husband because this is just as much you as him. Then I myself needed to ask her the same question before I even considered saying yes to the position, because this is an enormous responsibility. In both cases she had thought it over and said yes. Now that support is gone. Part of me feels my prayers have not been answered. Then another part knows, His will be done, and that He works in mysterious ways, and things work out for the best, but none of these work for me right now.<P>Even though we are together …….. I am so alone<P>We still sleep in the same bed together and it is hell laying there and being able to smell her and long to hold her close. She does hug me and let me cry on her shoulder and sometimes she cries with me. And I keep rehashing how much I Love Her and that I don’t want this to happen, I guess because some attention even bad is better than no attention which is what I’m about to get. I guess I need to give her space and time ...that is what she is asking for.<P>Sorry for rambling but I had to get this out.<P>I don't know if I should send her this as an e-mail or tell her to read my posts here...I don't know what I'm doing half the time anymore<BR>

Mr. Lee,<P>Does the counselor you're seeing have a plan for you to work on? Are you learning to eliminate lovebusters (disrespectful judgements especially), and are you learning how to effectively communicate with your wife??<P>You need to work on "Plan A"---eliminate the lovebusters, and try to meet those needs your wife will let you meet. You've got a shot (even if you do separate). Love can die, but it can be reborn too. It will take an excellent, consistant track record of new marital behavior to get you there, however. You need to get to work now.

I have accepted the blame for being controlling however, through counseling, I have found, and so has she that this mostly because of my distrust for her wild side. Which she reverts to every so often...( going out drinking staying out till 3am...ect). She has not had an affair, but I found this behavior disrespectful, and told her so. She is not or by no means an alcoholic just a social drinker and she gets carried away. <P>The plan for her to get her own place has hit a snag. No money, so she is thinking about taking the office in our house and making a bedroom out of it and seeing if she can get some solitude there. I have agreed to anything that she deems will help. she says she need time to herself so she can lower her walls. I HAVE TO GIVE HER SPACE....Man I want to fix this but I can't, she has to. I will stay vigilant and am working hard on myself and plan A. Thank You All<P>

Mr. Lee,<P>Hang in there. I would advise you to take the initiative to make the other room a bedroom for her. Borrow a futon or something if you don't have the money but having her under the same roof is better than not at all and it sounds as if she isn't comfortable with you. We have a rule at my house that we made before we ever got married. I would suggest you implement it. That is, no one is allowed to kick the other out of the bedroom/house. If the one no longer wants to be with the other, they should leave but not force leaving on the one who would rather stay. Applied to you that means, stand your ground and let her go to the other room but take the initiative to make it available to her or she will find another way out as soon as she can. You need to also find ways to meet her emotional needs without her cooperation. I made a post that you read and followed in another section about someone having to work around uncooperation and not getting any "face time." You should act in that manner. Even though you have more access, you should go for broke as if you didn't. As the love bank theory goes, you may have a negative/overdrawn balance and you will have to do these things long enough to not only get positive again but to (as my wife and I say) get rich. It will take a while for her to be madly in love with you like she was when you first met. Coincidentally, for that to happen you have to start acting toward her like you did when you first met. Do that long enough and she WILL come around. She will voluntarily quit partying or anything else that she thinks is not pleasing to you when your balance gets high enough. She will do it without you even having to say anything because she will strive to know you and what she knows about you she will try to become more of what you like and less of what you don't like. You see, we men tend to think that once we get married that our wives get demoted. They become the "old lady" or the "ball and chain." It should actually be the opposite. If a girlfriend makes it through all of the landmines and is desirable enough to us to make them our wives, they should have a status higher than all other girlfriends. I call my wife my "supergirlfriend." She eats it up. Coincidentally, if you have read His Needs, Her Needs you will know the male number one need. I never have to initiate that when I treat her and call her that title. All the things about her voluntarily becoming exactly what you want her to be happen when I treat her that way too because my balance is that of a rich man. I can't tell you how wonderful it is. Take heart, this same woman I am talking about got in the car to leave 8 months ago and was even willing to leave her child with me to get away from me. In March, she admitted that and also openly told me that the bloom was off the rose for some time and that she didn't know if she had ever loved me but that she did love someone else. The results I am speaking of have come in just 5 months of serious, substantial love bank deposits. It can be done. I am convinced that anyone can keep their spouse even if their spouse does not want to be kept at least right now. No human would reject being treated like royalty and all humans have a tendency to think great things about people who treat them well. Start doing these things and you will see results. Just have patience. And please keep us posted. I would welcome anyone's comments about this and would like to hear if others have achieved similar levels of success.<P>Donald