It's been years since I've posted here, I lurk every few months or so. D-day about 3 yrs ago, divorced from WS 2 yrs now.

I just want to know from the veterans here what the secret is to moving on and leaving the past behind. I have had a few relationships since, date quite often, but I am still quite lonely. I think about her daily, and the harder I try not to, the more I end up thinking about her. I know she is in a relationship now, but she still calls every few months or so to 'see how I'm doing'. I think this is what is screwing me up. I never put in 100% to any new relationship because in the back of my mind I have hope that I will be back with the WS someday.

Is there a thought or rationalization that keeps you guys from thinking about your WS's?

Hey Inde,

I don't come here often and poof....there you are. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time but it is truely understandable.

R U still in the bay area? We have gotten together twice already and will be getting together again in Oct. Stop by on GQII and look for RedHat's thread.

Moving forward includes you feeling better about yourself. If her contact brings you down, then maybe cutting the cord it needed.

Why do you feel she is contacting you? For her benefit or yours?

Aloha,
L.

Sounds like she's just keeping the wounds open by contacting you every now and then. She probably wants to know if she made the right decision and if you've truly moved on.

I think the secret to moving on is no contact, working on bettering yourself and focusing on other things. Next time she calls, you should say you're doing better then ever, that you've moved on and to please not contact you in the future because it does you no good. At least that is what I would do.

Best of luck and God Bless!

Orchid,

Nice to hear from you again! Hope you're doing well. Yes I am still in the bay area, posting from our Japan office though. I will definitely check out Redhats thread. Would be nice to see some local people who aren't from work.

As for my post, I'm sure it is for her benefit, and she is just checking up on me. I came very close to getting married 2002 winter and of course out of the blue she started calling me. Someone spilling the beans, not sure whom. Didn't go through with the wedding, I realized I wasn't in love.

I know I have to move on, and after being apart 3 years I thought I would have by now, but here I am. My mind wants to do the right thing, but I can't seem to let go. I'm fishing for answers no one can give me.

The silver lining is I got to hear from you Orchid! Take care and see you soon.

**

Mind and heart not in sync yet, 'eh? Very common for us BS and maybe WS too.

Look forward to seeing you on the 18th. I saw you post on GQII. Good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

'Eh, forget da' silver lining...... reminds me of my 'silver kind hair....betta go color again - LOL!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just kidding.

See ya bro'.

L.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I came very close to getting married 2002 winter and of course out of the blue she started calling me. Someone spilling the beans, not sure whom. Didn't go through with the wedding, I realized I wasn't in love."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It may be wise for you to end all contact with your ex-W for just like the in-love feelings a WS feels while in contact with the OP, the residual in-love feeling you have for your ex-W MAY be keeping you from moving on. It seems very obvious she knows this and thus tries to sabotage any efforts on your part to move on. Change your phone number or screen your calls.

<small>[ September 29, 2003, 09:04 PM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Indecision,

I don't think that she'll ever be entirely out of your mind...

I think quite a bit about the last woman that I had a relationship with, even though I haven't seen or spoken to her in over 3 months. This was a rebound interest/relationship, so it's not like I was even involved with her for a long time. However, if someone else comes along that I develop feelings for, usually I will push the last one out of my mind and start fresh.

I still think about xW occasionally. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I've accepted the reality that she is gone for good, and that helps. It's hard to completely let go of someone you care about.

Don't think of it in quantitative terms like "thinking of her twice a day means I'm not over her". Keep in mind that triggers, etc can spur memories, so it might not be that you aren't recovering.

Take care.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by hoping4best:
<strong> However, if someone else comes along that I develop feelings for, usually I will push the last one out of my mind and start fresh.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Normally this works for me as well, but what worries me is that I've been in several relationships since, the last one being very serious, and I don't think of them at all. I mean absolutely not at all, yet I think of the ex daily.

My feelings are reinforced by the fact that we broke up several times for long periods and always got back together.

All I really need I think is to find another special person. My other fear is I will find this person and the ex will again appear and I'll be confused once again.

Anyway, thanks all for your replies. They helped a lot, really.

Interesting...

You say that the last one was serious...how serious was it? I think that my thoughts are tied to how much I felt for the girl at the time that the relationship ended. I have been on dates with some women, and I have felt nothing for them, and so I haven't thought of them at all.

Also, did you think of the x a lot while you were out with the other women? If so, you should reconsider whether you are ready to date anyone.

Hope this helps...

Hoping4best you are right. Perhaps I need to define serious in clear terms. I was seriously considering marriage after dating about 4 months, but I wasn't in love, so maybe it wasn't so serious after all. When I was dating her, I rarely if ever thought of the ex until after I decided not to marry, and coincidentally this is when the ex began calling again.

I'm stuck in this quandary...I probably should not date until I resolve this, but on the other hand, finding someone to replace these thoughts would help no doubt. More soul-searching for me.

You know I don't feel depressed, but I really do feel lost, like I have no direction, no goals. I hope I can resolve this soon.

Have you thought about reconciling with your wife? Neither of you are remarried. Maybe she contacts you because she still loves you! I don't know obviously, but her contacting you is not necessarily a bad or manipulative thing like some others seem to think. I'd be rejoicing like crazy if my ex-husband contacted me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Personally, from reading what you've written, I think the two of you need to get together and talk. I think it'd be awesome if you two do reconcile and I don't believe it's an impossibility (ESP. if you are thinking of her and if she is calling!! To me, those are both very good things!)

I am wondering... are you a Christian?

God bless you.

LME I have considered all possibilities and I've overthought this so many times I don't know what to think. Big problems are she has trouble talking about serious issues and she also is wishy-washy about what she wants.

Her favorite saying is 'I don't know'. Esp when we talk about big decisions. She always says 'well I guess I won't know the answer until my life is over'. This is in reference to when I ask her why she can't make a decision.

BTW, I am Roman Catholic. Went to catholic grade school. She is atheist(my experience is people who are not god-fearing live by different rules...ie cheating is ok).

There are many issues you seem to be dealing with. One self-esteem, seems you don't really know what you want and who you are yet. Have you done any counseling after the divorce? Counseling helps, not saying MB doesn't, but individual counseling helps to find yourself.

I suspect your wife is still in love with you. For her to talk to you on a basis systematically, there is no other reason for her to call. To cut her off, I don't feel would be adviseable. I would change my tune and talk happy, give your busy schedule and give her great words of encouragement for herself.

My x and I have only been divorced since June. I have been fighting hard for my life my finances, my inner self. I am counseling with 1st step for battered wives (now once a month), and now I am going to individual counseling weekly. I know I need the counseling and I know that I need improvement in myself. My x hasn't done individual counseling except for posting here on MB. I feel he needs counseling, suggested it, but it is up to him.

You talk with love towards your wife. I know what you feel, cause I still do love my husband. But I know he doesn't love me. So I have chosen to move on, and there will never be another marriage in my life. I gave my vowels to him. God hates divorce, and I was forced into this divorce. So he got what he wanted, and I am surviving and making my life more interesting everyday.

Have you thought about getting into activities, that meet other people. Maybe a church oriented environment. My church has been a door that has opened up many doors for me. I have many new friends, and go out almost weekly with a group of mixed genders. I have meet new people at school, yes at my age I am back in school at a university being paid for by a group called CCOP. I enjoy school so much, and wish I was doing better in my grades. I am learning how to study again, and I blanked out on my last exam. Not good, but hopefully will do better next time. Was told, that this could happen with all the trauma that I experienced. WEll, it happend <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> , and now I have to work my butt off to make decent grades.

Have you thought about maybe helping out in in the hospital or something of that order. Another thing that I want to get involved in is bicycle trips. No bike as yet, cause I am still recovering from the injury x caused to my back. But maybe this coming summer. Found a group, and that is something that I always wanted my hsuband and I to do. But we both were so much into getting the kids through school, money, bills, wore out both of us to the max.

I love to converse with people, and have great conversation techniques. Just my x doesn't want to converse with me.

Sorry you sound so down, hey make an great effort to see orchid. She is one great girl, wtih great advice.

Hi Orchid, good to see from you. Haven't typed in quite awhile, so busy with school, taking 6 credit hours, and one very hard course, art history. So much memorizing and reading. At least 30 pages each night for homework. Hows things going with you and hubby and precious little son.

Hey Indy!

Just a thought here. When I get really down, like after the job thing, I got really weepy over xH and OW thing...Really down.

What I think happens is a bit of old psychological displacement. That we displace our real fears or sadness onto something else...What else could be an obvious target of that? The person who caused us probably most of our sadness as adults...Our x's.

For example, I got all bent out of shape when the restraining order was lifted. Then got sad after seeing him with OW at soccer game. But kicker was that I lost my job the day before. Maybe I was projecting my sadness onto the obvious thing..him.

When you really get down, try to fish and find out what it is that's really eating you. What's really going on. And if deep down the true source is your xw, then you know your answer.

These are the things I think about and use as coping techniques in this new life. Heck, it's hard being a single mom with no family here and then having a xH who is financially on top of the world. While I struggle along.

Indecision,

Does your story have any updates? Let us know.

Hey all,

Sorry so long for me to post a reply, I got involved briefly with someone and that kept me pretty occupied. I feel a little better now even though this was merely another dead-end relationship.

justpeachy, after thinking about your displacement comment, I believe this may be contributing. This lost feeling I have happens infrequently and it usually if not always happens when I'm on a business trip. Being alone in a hotel far from home is tough sometimes.

Faith4me, I used to think she kept calling because she still loved me, but I think it's probably more likely she contacts me because we had no closure. The divorce was lightning-quick, we didn't fight at all during that time, and for such an important event it was almost anticlimactic. Although I know there were many things that led up to the divorce, there really weren't good reasons for us to divorce in the first place and we both knew it. But the question becomes, how can we go backward? We can't undo the divorce and undo all the hurt and confusion we caused not only to ourselves but to our families and friends. I think what we both want is resolution, but after being apart so long I doubt this will happen. It has now been over 8 months since the last time she called or emailed. I find myself almost hoping she never calls again even though I still love her.

Interestingly enough, I had a conversation with the last person I dated, and she has been divorced 10 yrs now, after a 2 yr marriage. I asked her how long it took for her to get over it, and she said 10 yrs. Her ex is now remarried with a child, but I asked her hypothetically if he was available would she consider going back with him, and after a brief pause she said she might. I have no idea what this means or how this applies to my situation, but just wanted to share. I don't know the details of her divorce, we dated only very briefly and I don't plan on seeing her again.

Anyway, take care all and thanks again for your replies and input. I will continue to browse here periodically.

Cheers!