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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 460
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 460 |
I don't know who recommended the book: Why Does He Do That?; Inside the minds of angry and controlling men by Lundy Bancroft -- but thank you, thank you, thank you!
Now there are answers...not pretty answers, but answers that I really needed to hear. It sure has been helping with recovery, even after the divorce, easing some of the questions that I still had. Thank you.....
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 44
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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 44 |
Will this book provide me with suggestions on what I can do to best help him?
I don't want to divorce him, so I want more than to understand why he does what he does. I want to know whether his behavior patterns can be changed and how.
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 460
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 460 |
It's not a matter of helping him. He is totally aware of his behaviour and what results he gets when he is abusive. It's more about YOU and how you can stop being a doormat.
In the life of abusive men, it's all about THEM. That's exactly the way abusive men want it to be. They are NOT going to change. The man that wrote the book has been an abusive men's counsellor for years. In his experience, he knows that very few men WANT to change. It matters not what the woman does to help him change.
Read the book -- it's well worth it!
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 1,168
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Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 1,168 |
It might've been me, and I'm so glad you found it helpful. I've been separated for a while now, and spent a lot of time learning about HIS issues. I almost didn't read the book because I was sick and tired of reading about abuse. I am so glad I did. I still had a lot to learn. You're exactly right, a lot of answers are in the book, and they're definitely not pretty. Not only did it help with recovering from his behavior, a journey still in progress, but it also raised my awareness of red flags, which is something I definitely need to avoid this pitfall in the future.
7yrs, there's a section in the book that is very specific about what abusers must do to make long term changes. It's work the abuser must do. Not you. I didn't want a divorce either. I wanted a happy healthy marriage. It wasn't on the menu in my house. The book will have information that will help you, even if it doesn't look the way you might expect.
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