My marriage of only a year and a half(we lived together for almost 7 years prior to the marriage) has gotten progressivly worse. We are both 46 and I thought we had outgrown our "adolecence" but evidently she hadn't. I'm in the military and had to go off to school for 7 weeks in the Spring.(she is also in the military) When I tried to contact my wife while I was gone she became harder and harder to contact. When I returned she started lying to me constantly and would be gone 2,3 up to 4 days without a call. In August I came upon her and another man (totally by accident) and the man started to threaten me and my son and instead of getting involved in a conflict I just left. I attempted to contact her on her cell phone that afternoon and it was disconnected. I was so upset that I moved all of her belongings out into the driveway and contacted her brother to tell her to come and get them. She came that evening and picked up all her things and never said a word to me. I was able to obtain her new cell number and talk to her for almost an hour one day and it seemed like the "old her". She gave me a little hope when she told me that she "just needed some time". I've tried calling her numerous times to find out just how long some time might be but she refuses to answer the phone. I've sent her numerous letters (to her parents where I believe she is living) flowers, anything that I could think of including questionnairs from this website with negative results. I haven't heard from her in almost 6 weeks and I don't know what to do. She won't talk to me and and I love and miss her so. I feel maybe he may be threatening her as she had a past history with abusive men in the past since he threaten my son and I. Should I proceed with a divorce, wait for her to file the divorce, or is there any possiblity of reconciliation?...Help, I haven't been able to sleep or eat properly since this has happened and my health is going down hill. Any suggestions/questions would be greatly appreciated!..

Hi, and a reluctant welcome to MB, since none of us actually want to be here.

First, read everything you can on this site, especially the articles, and the stuff about Plan A and B, His Needs/Her Needs, Love Busters and the love bank.

Your wife has put up a wall for now, and as hard as that is to accept, you cannot really do a lot about it. Trying to contact her is a 'love buster' to her right now, and she will resent it. Whatever happened while you were away with her and the OM has changed her somewhat, and your opinion of her and your marriage as well, no doubt. It is painful, it is hard and it is probably the worst thing you will have to go through in your life. But if you want any chance, you will have to be patient.

What she has done, by not contacting you, is a defence mechanism. She does not want to hear from you because of the emotions that may bring up, whether guilt, anger, frustration or whatever. The wall is a protective mechanism, designed to enable her to do whatever she wants without having to think of you. That sounds awful to you I know, but it is the truth.

That time you talked to her for a while and she sounded normal was the thing that set this wall off. She may have realised that talking to you may influence her into being back in the marriage and for the time being, she believes this is not what she wants. And why? Only you know the history of your own marriage....can you think of anything that may have been a burden to her, and 'set her off'?

What can you do? Well read about Plan A. It is an excellent plan, but I wish every human was obligated to read it before marriage. What it is about is that you show her the best YOU that you can be, and that can sometimes feel like you are being a doormat. It comes down to pleasing the spouse, and getting them to remember why they married you in the first place.

It is very hard to do when the spouse won't even talk to you, however. But you must be able to have access to your child. Do you not see her then? If you do not have access, get it. It is an opportunity for you to keep relationships open with your child, and see her at the same time. Of course it is more difficult if you have the child with you.....but then I would be suggesting to her via text messages that she should be seeing the child, and when is she going to do it.

The best advice I can give you, however is this: look after yourself. Get sleep, eat, work like you never did before and stay on top of your game. Without that you will not have the strength to get through this. If you are depressed, see a doctor. A lot of men don't like admitting they are depressed, but the medications these days are not addictive and they do not bomb you out. Surround yourself with activity, friends who love you and things you enjoy. YOU matter in all of this, and you need to make sure you nurture yourself along the way. AND, keep coming here, because it is a great place to get support and kindness and advice, as well as a place to let off steam that you would LIKE, but would never DO to your spouse (cos that is a love buster).

Do take care of yourself and I hope this has helped a little.

Love and light,

Jacky

Thank you for your response back. Yes, this is the most difficult "thing" that I have ever had to deal with in my life. My first marriage was much easier to take as she was an alcoholic and prescription drug addict but this one I thought was that special person that I would remain with for the rest of my life. Yes, she changed while I was away and he evidently got the best of her in more ways than one.....it just seems so unfair to be off bettering my career and she goes off doing this...she knows better as she is the military herself!. I will give her time, I have held off from filing for a divorce as there is still that little bit of hope left...plus I don't think I should have to put out the $$ for something that wasn't my fault! I will wait, although it's very difficult as I miss her so...I lay awake nights wondering what or if I would have done things differently would she have strayed...most that I talk to say it was in her "blood" from previous relationships and I guess that's hard for me to stomach. How long do I wait for something like this? Is there a time limit or can it take months/years? I would like to go on with my life but I want to go on with her by my side and if that is not the case then I don't know how long I can hang in there...it's not fair to love someone so much and to be treated this way. I know I'm not perfect, but no one is! It's very hard (at almost 6 weeks) to find the motivation to do the things I used to do. I try to get out and do things but I almost run into someone or something that reminds me of her. I'm seeing a phycologist who suggesed I see a phyciacatrist (spell check off!) to get on some sort of anti-depression medication. I really can't believe this is happening to me, I used to be so active and strong willed....now I feel like my whole life has beed disrupted and it no longer has meaning...... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hey Jonkevin1,

Sorry to hear about your situation. You're not alone here on MB.

Definitely wait on filing. You don't want to do anything drastic yet even though she has taken the low road on this. You will need to take the high road during this whole thing many times.

There are certain things you must realize. She will probably be "in the fog" so what you think she would regularly see as rational she probably won't. She may say things that sound off the wall or pleasing to your ears but not follow up with it by actions.

Don't worry about the putting out money for something that is not your fault.

We WS always wonder "if I would have done this" would it have prevented the whole thing? I say No because it is their decision to do what they did and they went about things the wrong way. Don't put all of the blame on yourself. The only blame you can shoulder is what you did in your marriage and what you're going to do about it now. Make sure you do what you can so you have no regrets. Improve on yourself, keep busy, read the books from this site- Surviving an Affair.

Best of luck and God Bless!

Thanks for your reply and advice...the way I figure it, I feel if she wants a divorce bad enough she can pay for it...she started this whole mess and if she wants to finish it then she can go down with her ship. We never had anything joint (her idea, gee I wonder why??) and she wouldn't be entitled to much if any allimony. I'm in no hurry and I figure since she is out "playing the field" that I would sign up for a dating service. Don't worry, I'm not going to "rush" into another relationship, I just would like some female companionship as since my marriage I pretty much did away with all my female friends...but I find they are much easier to talk with and make me feel more comfortable....bad idea??? my kids are 21 and 17 and once they "fly away from the coop" I don't want to be alone...I just thank God that I have them, they help give me the strength to wake up each day and press onward with life!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I'm in no hurry and I figure since she is out "playing the field" that I would sign up for a dating service. Don't worry, I'm not going to "rush" into another relationship, I just would like some female companionship as since my marriage I pretty much did away with all my female friends...but I find they are much easier to talk with and make me feel more comfortable....bad idea???"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very bad idea because you might easily become romantically involved with another woman while you are still married. Right now your loneliness has made you vulnerable to an affair of your own. If you truly want to save your marriage then you are going to have to discard this terrible idea, otherwise you would be better off filing for divorce and end your marriage once and for all.

I guess I'm just looking for something to fill the emptyness.....I know she will never come back as she is already "parading" this guy off to her family members while she is still married to me, but I also refuse to initiate the divorce as I don't believe I should have to pay for something that I didn't do! Please excuse me but my poor brain is "scrambled" right now and I was just trying to figure out a way to have some much needed companionship.....your right, I'm very vulnernable right now and I should keep clear of the "warning signs"......

Don't file for anything right now.

Read all you can here.

Don't appear too desparate. If she thinks you are too needy, she will not be as eager to return.

If your counselor thinks you might be depressed and might need a psychiatrist for some antidepressant medication, listen. I know from first-hand experience that antidepressants can really help you get through some horrible times. Being depressed does not mean you are weak or worthy.

I believe she has no intentions on returning. She went around last weekend showing off to everyone that she put her maiden name back onto her military uniform. She is a teenager stuck in a womans body that needs some serious help. I will give her until the end of November and then I will file, I want to go on with my life with someone that will appreciate me for who and what I am, not what they would make me up to be....thanks for the input, we are all very smart "heart broken" individuals on this site that have had all of our lives changed in a dramitic fashion. Keep up with the positive attitudes and we will all survive through this...all of us!!

hey jonkevin;

hang tough! you are at your most vunerable self right now. listen with your heart. giving you back your name is a good thing. she doesn't deserve to be called "wife" any longer. A wife loves her husband above all others. Only your relationship with God should come before your marriage. she isn't looking back, because if she did, she would have to face the fact that she has committed adultery. she would have to live with the guilt and shame. apparently she isn't a strong enough woman to do that right now. chin up! you are much stronger than anything the adversary can ever throw your way. i will continue to keep you and your sons in my prayers.

jonkevin,

Please remember something else. You are in the military and committing adultery is a very very serious offense. Your career will be over if you seek female companionship with someone else. Your W's is basically in your hands, if you go to the JAG's office about this. I don't think you want your career in her hands.

Frankly, something must be seriously wrong. Most people in the military cannot just decide to change their names. Are you sure she has not filed for divorce and not bothered to tell you?? You were gone 7 weeks and you have been back awhile.

I know this is marriage builders, and I am a strong advocate of marriage building, but... you have to think very carefully about being married to this woman. Your children are presumably yours, so you have responsibility for them. Find a counselor or a lawyer to talk to about your situation. I would strongly suggest that you contact one of the Harley's . They are no nonsense, and very focused on issues such as these.

Please, think about this.

God Bless,

JL

You are correct...she doesn't deserve my last name and I am "embarassed" to call her by that any longer. I am getting stronger every day and my health is improving. I'm realizing that by talking to a lot of people that she isn't worth it and probably never has been. As far as the military thing goes, I have already confided in the JAG (used to work with him) and they won't do anything about her so I "gave up". (she is technically a civilian) Now if it were me, it would be a different story! If someone else was to come into my life, I would not push them away due to my maritial status. I need companionship and since she has been confiding in another for months now I'm not going to sit around and mope for her return. It's never going to happen and I'm not going to suffer for her infidelity any longer. Yes adultery is a serious offence in the military and she has obviously been comitting it for months now but unless you have 100% proof (pictures, eye witnesses etc) they won't even try to prosecute...it all depends on the circumstances and the "fruits of the crime". As far as the divorce goes, I have no idea if she ever filed. I called the courts a few weeks ago and they had no record of my or her last names. I think she figures since she paid for the marriage the I should pay for the divorce. (maybe her way of tormenting me longer?) I did one of those "on line" divorces and I'm getting ready to send her the paperwork. I want to be able to be free of her and the nighmare of a life that she has impelled upon me and my sons. She keeps rubbing it in deeper bringing this guy to a base that I used to work at for over 18 years....she has a "very poor" judgement of character and is "way out of control"! It's funny, her favorite number is "7"...isn't #7 in the Ten Commandments "Thou shall not comit adultery"????

I am starting the divorce proceedings with my attorney as early as tomorrow. I will no longer be at the mercy or the control of her. I am taking my life into my own hands, and will await that special someone to enter into my life. The longer I procrastinate, the longer I will be alone. She can go on living "miserably ever after" as one day she will realize that this little "fling" wasn't worth losing me over. Or who knows, maybe she'll get "real lucky" and get pregnant by him! (providing she already isn't)..sorry for the negativism, I don't enjoy being used and abused, or the embarassment as my wife goes parading around town with her new lover. As far as I'm concerned, she is nothing more than a "sex craved childish tramp!!" Yes, my tears have turned into anger, enough is enough!

Well I got a surprise at my door tonight. It was a process server handing me the divorce paperwork. The good thing is that it's finally going to be over, and at her expense! The bad thing is that she lied on an official court document by stating that we separated in January of 2003. It is actually to my benefit also because that would mean that we would have been married for less than a year which means that she isn't entitled to any alimony. So I guess there won't be anything else for me to say on this website as my marriage will be terminated in 6 months or less. Again thank you all for you help and suggestions, and may she "rot" in you know where for doing this to me and my family...