Just got the news - Xh got engaged on Saturday, very lavish party and they are getting married on 25th October 2003. All this within one month after the divorce.

I am feeling sad. My children are with him and OW for the holidays and my 11yo D, told me. She is so sad. Lies still continues..... He told her I knew they were getting engaged and I know about the marriage.

Please, please keep me in your prayers. This has hit me like a rock. I cannot cry because I am at work but I feel like just running........running........running.

God. please help me. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 04:37 AM: Message edited by: GinnyF ]</small>

((((((((((((((((((Ginny))))))))))))))

Mine was a similar timeline. So I know how hard it can be. My X was overseas again when they got engaged, but he had the decency to tell me first, as I had asked him to tell me before he told the kids if it ever happened. I remember the blood going cold in my veins, even though I had had enough time to get over him by then.

It is weird how they jump straight back into the institution of marriage when they have just caused so much trouble to get out of it.
I put it down to huge insecurity issues with my X, maybe it is the same with yours.

Well my X married OW in July and they have just returned to Australia....and reality is biting. Read my thread called "I just HAD to share this" and you will see what I mean.

Just a thought about the kids. They will cope with this if you do. So to help them the best way you can, look after yourself FIRST. If they see you dealing with it, it helps them accept the situation, and whether WE like it or not, the reality for us has changed, and we need to be there, strong, for our kids.

Love and light,

Jacky

{{{{{{Ginny}}}}}}

Let me state for the record that your husband and OW are behaving in an incredibly tacky way.

Here is some solace though. For your children it would be hard no matter when XH got remarried.

Stupid, stupid, stupid wayward, wandering, what's-in-it-for-me spouses. You know, sometimes they are even worse once they get divorced and feel they have to prove to the world that it was all worth while.

Nina: thank you. I have followed your story and I read this morning about CC and your MIL. Made me laugh.

Somehow my gut feeling was tellling me that something was going on. Firstly, when I saw him 2 wks ago, for the 1 hour that we were together he could not look me in my eyes. Even when he hugged/grabbed me with tears in his eyes he still stared into space. My thoughts were "this man is getting married"

My gut feeling to date has always been right. Or is it that I know him so well?

As for Ms Clickety Clack, She is off the same calibre of my X's, OW. Because of our countries history, which I cannot go into here on the board, they are shallow - they certainly have no moral values and lack perseverance. Be assured as soon as there is financial or any kind of trouble which a normal woman can endure - they run to the next man or fix.

My X and OW is following the script that I have predicted to the letter. Now I will have to wait and see if the marriage is going to follow the same script. He will hold on to her for dear life but she is going to dump him.

Greenables: My 11yo D is very sad. I feel sad that I cannot protect her from all this. I was angry that he told her that I knew about all this but I also know both him and OW is two sick people. She hates OW so I can just imagine how she must of felt seeing her dad again after a long absence and then being subjected to an engagement party where she knows nobody.

Also what I find weird that this engagement took place whilst OW's children are on holiday with her Xh. Should this not have been some joyous family occassion with her kids and my kids as they so profess they love the children?

Confusing............................ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, sometimes they are even worse once they get divorced and feel they have to prove to the world that it was all worth while. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True, because if it was that much work, with the lies and deception, then it must be true love. . .

never a rebound. . . although statistics from a well knows affair counselor, NOT Harley, says that to have a successful remarriage to an affairee, you must have complete family support, all the way around. . . parents and children

ps, my X has a live in lover, sort of , and my kids hate them, because my X gives them preferencial treatment to keep them, to prove to her dysfunctional friends, that she is not "unwantable" except that the guy is using her because he has a job, but does not want to live at home with his parents. . .

oh, the stupid lessons that we teach because we just want our feelings to feel good.

wiftty

So, true Wiftty.

Ginny, I know this must be incredibly hard for your daughter. But even if your h. waited a couple years it would be hard, though not quite so hard. Just remind her that a lot of people care an awful lot about her, including (barf) her father. If it’s any consolation at all, OW’s kids probably hate your X as much as your daughter hates OW.

Ginny,
I know exactly how you feel. My EX married the OW 1 month after our divorce was final on his birthday. He expected my three children to be there which was very hard on them. They were 16,15 and 13 at the time. He married her Jan 2001 and they seperated April 2002 and are now divorced and he again has remarried.

I know how hurt and abandoned you feel right now. Just stay strong, keep your head high. Show your kids how strong you are they will always respect you for that.

I know you fought a long hard battle, you know in your heart you did everything you could do to save the marriage but it takes two.

Only look ahead to the future and not behind at what was. Before you know it, you will be able to look behind and not have that horrible pain anymore.

Hugs,

Jill

I can so top this one!!

Divorce final Nov 19th, xH and blimpo marry on Dec 9th.

Kids had not met her yet, xH doesn't care I am doing what I want to do.

xH has many opportunities to introduce kids and blimpo but doesn't!!! Wonder why?

MD insist on traveling to see dad and stepmom over Easter, or my kids probably would never had meet her til summer visitation.

I wouldn't even think of dating someone that my kids hadn't meet, and he marries her!!! Go figure WS!!! Not sure that everything has been worth it for them either!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 01, 2003, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: daybreak ]</small>

Greengables: Your words are so true - my children hate OW and OW's children hates my X. No wonder her children was not at the engagement party. She could spare her kids the grief but what about my kids <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I am in daily telephonic contact with my 11yo D and I am encouraging her to stay strong. She told her dad how sad she was, hE said, she will just have to use to OW. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Jillybean: Thank you for your encouraging words. I have read your thread about speaking to your x. At the end of the day they are the biggest losers and not us.

Daybreak: Thank you for replying.

Nina~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just a thought about the kids. They will cope with this if you do. So to help them the best way you can, look after yourself FIRST. If they see you dealing with it, it helps them accept the situation, and whether WE like it or not, the reality for us has changed, and we need to be there, strong, for our kids. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the best advice you can give anyone and the greatest gift you can give your children. Not only did my x marry the ow, they moved into the family home. I don't know whether I was more angry or hurt. Every time my children went for visitation, I pictured the woman who broke up my family sitting in MY chair at the dinner table laughing with my children. She had my xh, my former home and she was trying to worm her way into my children's hearts. Still, I was determined to hold my head high, behave with dignity and keep my mouth shut about how I felt.

Eventually, I realized that my attitude had rubbed off on my children. I accepted the "happy couple," so did the children. I presented "our new home" as something exciting; the children became excited about moving. Every change that we were faced with, I endeavored to present it as a positive and exciting change. It served me well. When I told them I was getting remarried and that I was excited, they were genuinely excited for me. When DH and I decided to move the family across the country, I was excited; the kids were excited.

Now the kids are grown. They know the reality is that things don't always work out the way you want them to. They've also know, attitude makes a huge difference when things unexpectedly change. They are happy, upbeat, flexible and positive people. When I was doing it, after my divorce and my x's subsequent remarriage, I was pretending. Eventually, it became a true part of who I am. It's a good lesson to learn; even a better one to teach the children.

BTM: Through all the hurt I have been putting up a very brave front for the sake of my children. Especially for my 11yo D. I feel for her as she and her dad had a very close bond.

Thank you for sharing your story. EVen thought the news of his engagement and pending marriage shocked me to my core, I had to pretend to be happy for them for the sake of my daughter.

As for me - I have dealt with the emotions and I am waiting on my children to come back to me on Sunday - I am excited because with every change it forces you into a new direction. Whether you want it or not and at the end of the day you are happier for it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A house built on quicksand won't stand. You know it and so do we.

They can blow tons on a party to make something seem legit, but it's just a buncha money down the drain.

Even if they deny faith, God, or adultery being the real problem here, statistics are against them. Stacked up real high.

I am praying for you and your child. I am sorry. His loss. And your child should see the truth but be gentle. We don't have to put a good face on the WS' lies, and their marriage to the OP is just another example.

And don't think when they are toasting or whatever that they don't know people are talking about them. That's the way it is.

God bless you. Take care of you. Somehow I think I will be in same boat very soon with my little one as FV is making a hard run for the ring.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Through all the hurt I have been putting up a very brave front for the sake of my children. Especially for my 11yo D. I feel for her as she and her dad had a very close bond.

Thank you for sharing your story. EVen thought the news of his engagement and pending marriage shocked me to my core, I had to pretend to be happy for them for the sake of my daughter. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't, generally, believe in "pretending" that you are happy, when you're not. But, I think when it comes to things like this, you're giving your child a great gift. If you can keep her from feeling like she is in the middle, or that she is being disloyal to you (or that she's making your pain worse) because she loves her father too, it will only serve to strengthen your bond with her. You might not see immediate evidence of that, but it's the long-term that really matters.

When you don't put a child in the position of worrying about your feelings, the child is free to ponder the actions, behaviors and circumstances of the other parent. When they are old enough, they will see that the other parent usually thinks about himself FIRST and FOREMOST. If both parents are guilty of putting themselves first, the child will not be able to discern the subtle differences between the two. I never wanted sympathy from my children. I figured sympathy could come from my friends and my parents. Giving a parent sympathy over a bad or broken marriage shouldn't be a child's function, IMHO.

You should be very proud of yourself. I don't envy your position, but I envy your strength in dealing with this situation with such grace. You're doing it for your children, but you will benefit, too.

Good luck to you.

Hi Ginny,
I know the hurt and pain firsthand. My ex (WH) remarried his OW even before our divorce was final. He did not tell me, our kids, or his parents what he was doing. It is 10 months since their marriage, and his parents still have not met his new wife. Weird, huh? My kids have only seen her once. I never tried to appear happy about it in front of my kids, but I did let them always know that we were going to be okay, that we were still a strong family as we were. I am struggling now with forgiving my X and am trying to be happy for him.
God bless you. Time will help heal your pain, and of course a strong relationship with the Lord.
KK

Since the engagement of Xhb and Ow they now have special powers. Rumours are flying around that they are already married.

This is what I am dealing with now:

The week that we got dv, x and ow goes away on holiday. This after telling my atty that he did not have money to come to our town for the dv, I ended up representing him in the dv court. x and ow flies to beach side resort for a week.

X, misses children ask me if he could have them for the school holidays even though it was my turn to have them. I feel sorry for him agree and they fly to their dad. Ulterior motive - he wanted the kids their for his engagement party or is it wedding party? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Kids spend the whole week on their own with a maid whilst x and ow work. He is too busy to take off work too many meetings.

Kids return home Sunday 6th October - 7th October x and ow leave for a weeks holiday or is it honeymoon to some exclusive game lodge out of country <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> - Ow's, xhusband moves into their house to look after their children <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> OW and her X have a very close bond -

X and OW take 11yo and 4yo D's to a dietitian because one is to fat and the other one is too thin.

X calls and tells me that I am not feeding children probably. Give instructions and I must follow the diet sheet.

I discuss with him the emotional well being of the children. Both daugthers are very insecure and wants to be around me all the time. I suggest that their visit to their psychologist be increase to twice a month. He denies this and said that I am the problem. Now refuses to pay for any therapy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I tell him about how 11yo D broke down and shouted how she hated her dad and why did we have her. - NO RESPONSE.

X and Ow then decides that they will be the children's therapist.

"If mum brings home men friends, you must smile and be nice to them" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

"If you loose 10kg by Dec 2002 - we will give you a Sony Playstation.

11yo D very serious about the diet but informs me that it will stop after she receive the playstation. X and Ow gave her a diary to record whatever she eats. After having a sweet last night, I asked her whether she is going to diarize this, she says he does not have to know.
So I had to discuss honesty and guilty feelings with her.

4yo, who is as thin as a rake, this morning refuses to eat her cereal as it is going to make her fat. She also refuses to take her daily treat with her to school <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

4yo, fell out of bed during the night, 11yo D is to scared to wake X and Ow deals with it herself. 4yo now has a blue eye with a scar.

I was on my hands and knees crying this morning after my kids left for school. The only words that came out was "God, please help me.

Now at work - I receive a text message on my cell phone - "Contact details for X and Ow until 12th October, 04383-93134-13483- "should I give you the actual number" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think I need to go and see my therapist today - Everything is just becoming too much. I am trying to keep my sanity in this insane situation.

<small>[ October 06, 2003, 05:46 AM: Message edited by: GinnyF ]</small>

Hold tight Ginny...

This too will pass... Don't take it all on yourself at once. Don't allow your mind to flow from one negative thought to another. Don't allow yourself to continually go over and over the situation. It will not help and WILL definitely hurt you.

It is now your responsibility and necessity to help yourself and keep control of your mind. It is now your own worst enemy, because it is always with you and knows everything. By controlling the thoughts and the perseveration, you will help yourself immensely.

And I have a similar situation with my children. My oldest is thin and my youngest is heavy. It is extremely important that you take care of this. Your daughter might use her weight to rebel against her father... which will only in turn hurt herself. You CANNOT allow this to happen. She is much too precious to allow her physical health to become a tool. She NEEDS to be healthy, so that when she is an adult, she will have the best chance at happiness, not that being svelt makes you happy, but usually being heavy doesn't.

It is difficult to work with another person on this issue. My ex gives good lip service to my son's weight, however, it is easier to just let him have what he wants rather than for her to be responsible and the 'semi-knowledgable' adult and truly help him to learn. My boys say that she is on the phone constantly, which I can believe because she sat through my oldest boy's soccer game over the weekend talking on the phone.

I recommend that you take your daughter's weight issues seriously. Overweight children are much more likely to become overweight adults. And overweight adults are RARELY truly happy with their weight. They may come to grips with it, but I don't know of anyone who wouldn't like to loose a few pounds. There is no need for this stress to be on your daughter if you can do something about it now. I applaud your actions about talking with her about being honest, but I didn't hear that you were actually incorporating the dietician's recommendations into your life. Please don't let the fact that it came from your ex taint the good that the dietician can bring to your daughter. Give her that strength in herself, and help her to be healthy NOW, so she will know how to be healthy LATER.

Stay strong... There will always be these sorts of bumps for us I fear. I hit one recently... and felt like I was right back in the first few weeks of finding out. But it was better, and lasted much less. I had mechanisms that helped me cope... such as controlling my thoughts, which helped incredibly. Hold yourself together... you will be fine.

Thanks Fomerly: I have been very supportive of her decision to loose weight. We sat down last night and we worked out an eating plan for her.

This eating plan will also be incorporated into our families daily routine.

What disturbed me was the fact that x and ow took my daughters to the dietician without consulting with me first. I also have a problem with the ow who have her own weight issues. She suffers from anorexia. Do i want this person to teach my children about healthy eating habits? What is my x teaching my D. With Ow he eats healthy foods when she is not around he eats burgers and chips and then instructs the children not to tell her.

Psycologically, my daughters has been through a lot these past two years. My main concern was to stabilize their emotions, enrich them spiritually and ensure that we all get back into a family routine after the abandoment of their father. We have reached the stage of normalcy in our family again.

The recommendations by the dietician, will be followed but I feel that a balance must be maintained.

I also feel that if the deeper emotional issues is not addressed within my 11yo daughter, eg - X's betrayal of her and subsequent behaviours of X wanting to change her to conform to his and ow's norms and complete denial of her feelings - no diet will help.

Her weight gain started after X left the family. She also comfort eats when she is emotionally upset. X acknowledged this because after the engagement/wedding party, she went on an eating spree to the extend that she got sick.

My 11yo is in puberty. If I look at our family history, she follows the same pattern. I have three sisters and all three of us gained a lot of weight during our puberscent years until the age of 15/16. After that we were as thin as reeds again. All happened without dieting.

These are the emotions and feelings that I am dealing with now but I also know that I must keep an open mind.

Okay, I am seriously, seriously concerned with your statement that OW is anorexic. If, in fact, she is, then she does not have a healthy, balanced attitude toward food and body image - how can she possibly be making determinations with regard to whether your daughters are too fat or too thin. I am also concerned that your 4 year old is now focused on not getting fat -she has clearly gotten a bad message.

Perhaps some of our health providers who post on this site can weigh in (no pun intended) on this subject - Should any child be put on a diet - to lose or to gain weight - without the advice of a doctor? A nutritionist is not a doctor and, depending on the type of nutritionist they took the girls to, who knows what they were told. Would a visit to the girls' pediatrician be in order to see what she/he has to say on the issue and what she/he recommends? You mentioned that they see a therapist...maybe you could speak to their counselor about this; especially about the older girl's comfort eating.

JMHO

Regards,

Brit's Brat

((((((((((((GinnyF)))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your heartache! I'm not in a position to give great advice but I feel your pain. You are a strong person and have been doing a great job with your 2D. I wish I had some magic dust and I would sprinkle it all around you. Stay positive and know this is just another phase you have to go through to get past this awful time in your life. I wish I could be there to hug you but calling your therapist is probably a good idea. But see you do know what to do to get yourself better. Stay strong we are here for you!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Brit's Brat:
[QB]Okay, I am seriously, seriously concerned with your statement that OW is anorexic. If, in fact, she is, then she does not have a healthy, balanced attitude toward food and body image - how can she possibly be making determinations with regard to whether your daughters are too fat or too thin. I am also concerned that your 4 year old is now focused on not getting fat -she has clearly gotten a bad message.

Brit: This is my exact feelings about OW and her eating disorder. Her whole being is perceived around body image. Her own daughter who is 8yo and which I think have no weight problem is also on a diet. She does not have a balanced attitude.

Me: Age 45 (Need to change this on signature) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Height: 1.5m
Weight: 52 kilo's
Dress Size: 8/10 UK
Bone Structure: Small

I am regarded as slim by all my friends.

OW's opinion - I am fat.

11yo daugther:
Height - 1.5m (tall for her age)
Weight - 60 kilo's
Bone Structure - Big
Peadiatrician - With her last visit he assured me that he had no concern for her weight, he looked at both X and my family structure. Did warn me though that I need to keep an eye on her weight if it should increase to over 65 kilo's.

4yo daughter
Weight 20 kilo's (Within her weight limit)
Peadiatrician - Happy with her weight, said she had the same bone structure as me.

X's parents and my parents are tall and big boned.That is why peadiatrician was not worried about my 11yo D's weight.

According to OW we are all a bunch of [censored].

Do we have health problems: NO. Does she have health problems - pneumonia, bronchitis, fatique, exhaustion - Since she entered into our lives not a month has passed without her being sick with some ailment.

Did x have health problems when he was at home: NO
Does he have health problems now - YES. Blood disorder (temporary). Swollen knees and ankles, fatique and exhaustion. X and OW get influenza on a regular basis.

Me: Since all this drama started, I did not skip one day of work. First time in 2yrs I took off in July 2003 for a week because I had a bad bout of bronchitis.

Sometimes we are so taken in by what is happening around us that we forget that there is alternatives. Thank you for reminding me about the pediatrician. I will make an appointment for my girls in the morning.

LJ1122: Thank you for your love and support. I am slowly moving out of that ugly black hole feeling after reading all the replies I received today. I know I am sane.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />