http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=34;t=009939I just wrote a post, that speaks to this, on a different thread. Believe me, *I* was sorely tempted to make things as rough on my x and the ow/wife as I possibly could. In the end, I made a different choice. One that after all these years, I am grateful for having made.
It's obvious that this is a bad situation. I know you want to "protect" your children from it. I firmly believe that if I'd followed my instinct to "protect" them, I would have done them far greater harm than them being exposed to the ow, ever could have.
If you, gracefully, accept the situation the way it is, there will be no reason for your x and his ?? to pull out all the stops to prove how wonderful they are. Oh yes, in the beginning, your children will be exposed to enormous amounts of propaganda, but if you show no interest in disproving it, the propaganda will cease sooner and the truth will come out faster. And your children will love you for not playing into the game.
My own children wouldn't cross the street to spit on her, if she was on fire. But, NOBODY can point to me and say it was my fault; that I turned the kids against her. Not only did I "support" her relationship with the kids, I practically shoved them down her throat. I figured if I gave my x and his ow ALL the time they wanted, without regard to the rules of visitation, the ow would eventually decide the kids didn't really fit in with her romantic fantasy. Look at it this way, right now the ow and your husband "bond" by pointing out that what you're trying to do, hurts
them. Once you switch sides, and give the kids to your h whenever and for however long he wants them, your h begins to see you as the "better guy" and his ow starts to lose her luster because she's always complaining about not getting enough "alone" time.
By the time I wanted to move my children 3000 miles away from their dad, there was nobody getting in my way. The happy newlyweds had already had enough of "married, with children."
You're right. It isn't fair. But, the least amount of anger and angst that you can expose your children to, the happier they will be. They will probably even love you more for it, even if they can't put their finger on WHY.
My children have always talked about how wonderful it is that we are such a "close-knit" family. It seems to escaped their notice, entirely, that they are children of divorced parents. While they were growing up, even their friends would comment on how close we are. Their friends would say things like, "you don't know how lucky you are" and my children took great pride in that. What I'm trying to say, is that YOUR relationship with your children can thrive independently of the relationship between them, their dad and his ??. Instead of trying to thwart the relationship between the children and HER, work on strengthening their relationship with you.
Good luck to you. I know it's hard.
