Hi all,<P> My husband told me that he was attracted to the secretary at the office where he works. I don't believe he would do anything about it, but I am still uneasy about this revelation. I suspected he was but I never said anything. We have been working through His Needs Her Needs for a month now and attending a marriage enrichment class and things are improving slowly. We are both working very hard at this and it has been quite uncomfortable. I feel like I should say or do something with this but I have absolutely no idea what would be appropriate. Part of me wants to completly ignore it but I know that is really stupid. Part of me wants to run down there and bite her head off even though she has done nothing wrong. Any ideas?<BR>Thanks!<BR>McDeb

I think it's a good sign that he told you. If he was planning something, he wouldn't be so open.<P>However, MOST affairs start out innocently and in the work place. At work you get to dress nice and be on your best behavior. You don't have dirty dishes or a whining kid to distract you. <P>My H's affair with my ex best friend was work related. She was one of his employees. And yes, they did do "something" at the office (no details on that one, never told me). <P>It's been an awful experience all around. It actually happened almost 6 years ago but I only found out a month ago. I knew something was happening and he moved out to pursue her but they both swore that it was "nothing." I believed them but it still hurt like **** and we were apart for 9 months. NOw I know the truth and it is just as awful as if it happened now. People don't understand but it's hard to realize I've been married to a liar and cheater for 6 years and never knew the truth.<P>I would NOT ignore it. You need to talk about it, maybe with a counselor. Just be cautious with your trust, he has to earn it. Good luck!

Hello McDeb,<P>What a frustrating situation. I'm wondering how intense this attraction to the secretary is? How long has it been going on? It is mutual, and how does he know either way? If you ask these questions in a non-threatening, non-hostile way (that's the hard part,lol) then he will know two things: 1) that you are concerned about the situation, yet rational and 2) you are not afraid to investigate the situation. Maybe if you can approach it in a lighthearted manner he will feel more at ease about telling you things. <P>WHatever you chose to do, McDeb, do NOT ignore this situation. It could be mistaken for apathy.<P>I don't think it's a crime to be attracted to someone you meet at work. To think someone is handsome or has a nice figure or a quick wit. If you deal with the attraction head on, recognise it for what it is, you control IT , it does not control YOU. It's normal, natural and human. My one concern is that I keep wondering why exactly he felt the need to mention it to you - is it that serious? Or just harmless? I hope you ask and find out! <P>When it comes down to it, you can always use a little tactic I have used in the past. When my H worked in a predominantly female environment (medical clinic) I made a point of bringing him lunch maybe once a month. I didn't show up enough to be a nuiscence, but I made sure my face was just familiar enough around there. <P>Ok, ok call it spraying my territory, but it helped me feel a lot more at ease when I was able to connect names he had mentioned with faces and I knew that I was not some faceless, nameless wifey-girlfriend thingie behind the scenes. And it may just help you - that five or ten seconds when you look her in the eye and say a few words to her will make a world of difference.<P>Good luck,<P>Khyra

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Khyra:<BR>[B]Hello McDeb,<P>>I'm wondering how intense this attraction to the secretary is? How long has it been going on? It is mutual, and how does he know either way? WHatever you chose to do, McDeb, do NOT ignore this situation. It could be mistaken for apathy.<<BR>Khyra,<BR> Thanks, I am afraid to ask these questions. Sort of afraid of getting the wrong answers. He has not told her that he is attracted. He mentioned he wouldn't do that. I am definitely not ignoring it LOL. I am desperately trying to negotiate this minefield with caution. I just am not sure what to do.<P>>I don't think it's a crime to be attracted to someone you meet at work. It's normal, natural and human. My one concern is that I keep wondering why exactly he felt the need to mention it to you - is it that serious? Or just harmless? I hope you ask and find out! <<P> He said he told me because after reading the honesty and openess chapter he realized how important that is to him and we were having an easy conversation at the time. I was relaxed and we were having a nice, calm conversation, a rarity I might add. I had sort of expected he was attracted but was surprised he admitted it. I didn't react much when he told me but the next day it hit me and bugged me all day long. When he came home I asked him about it again and he said that the feelings I am having about this are the feelings he has had nearly all of our marriage. I asked him how that could possibly be since I am home with 4 kids all day and have no male friends, much less any female ones. He replied that he doesn't know what I do all day and the potential was there although he knows I wouldn't do that. I feel like I am facing an invisible foe here and a very real one too. AAAaaagh!<P><BR>>Ok, ok call it spraying my territory, but it helped me feel a lot more at ease when I was able to connect names he had mentioned with faces and I knew that I was not some faceless, nameless wifey-girlfriend thingie behind the scenes. And it may just help you - that five or ten seconds when you look her in the eye and say a few words to her will make a world of difference.<<P> I love the spraying my terrritory idea LOL! Hmmm... I have some ideas already!<P>>Good luck,<<P> Thanks again,<BR>McDeb<P>

Can I ever relate to that 'having a rare, nice conversation' concept. How disappointing it is when you think back to the times when that was the primary kind of conversation you had, and the hostile, edgy talks and fights were rare. I actually used to say "we don't really 'fight,' we just disagree sometimes." Duh! One good thing is that now you do appreciate the good times so much more. Which brings me to an important point. Even though your H is being faithful right now (other than that private, wicked fantasy land that all men have in their minds) stick to some of those Plan A guidelines. It can't hurt. Being nice and caring rarely IS a bad thing. Make him conscious of the good thing he has going for him at home. <P>One thing I have learned is that it's often best to go ahead and ask all the difficult questions you have as possible in one setting. It's a saner approach than bringing it up multiple times and having to go thru that whole 'wait till the time is right and muster up your courage' deal. And if new quesions come up, ask them then too, even if it seems you are putting him on the spot. Just do it and get it over with, letting him know up front that you really do want to take time and discuss it because it's bothering you. If there is nothing to worry about, then he shouldn't have a problem discussing it openly wiht you. McDeb, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to ask questions. <P>Trust is not a jewel that is ever earned completely, it's a neverending journey. It must be proven and nurtured repeatedly in any relationship. Remember that if he becomes offended by what you are wondering.<P>I hate to sound like a broken record, but it would be beneficial for you to meet this woman. I'm glad you are considering it. You are creative enough to think of reasons to show up unexpectedly. Besides, it's a sweet gesture on your part to bring him lunch or take him out for lunch. Don't torture yourself with "what if's" there is no "what if," only what IS or IS NOT.<P>Between you and me (although I know my H will read this) I have privately called it my Suprise Inspection. Suprise, here I am! And I've never found anything I couldn't handle. <P>Now one last thing. If your H keeps on giving you flack about all the sordid activities you could supposedly be up to during your long, luxurious days with FOUR CHILDREN (lol) and a house to clean and dinner to make, well, he can just drop in on YOU any old time then. <P>Let us know how it goes if you decide to make a Suprise Inspection. <P> <P>