Hello. I am a long time "lurker", but this is my first posting. I want to start by saying "Thank You." This site has probably saved my sanity. There are many wonderful, caring people who post here, and without knowing it have helped me more than words can say. To anyone new that may read this message: Listen to these people. Many times I felt that what I was reading about wouldn't happen in my case - but it would.

My story is so very similar to many others on this site, that I will not go into great detail. I'm sure that most of you can very accurately fill in some details between the lines without even knowing me.

Late spring of last year, I noticed my wife spending more and more time with a friend. This man was a mutual aquaintance of ours, but I knew something was fishy from the beginning. I began to notice that they talked on the phone quite a bit, and eventually I caught my wife sneaking out to see him. During Thanksgiving of last year I was told by my W that she wanted a separation. I tried everything I could think of to "woo" her back (which I learned later was probably a mistake) but it drove her further away.

We separated on Jan 1st '03, and I have been in Plan "B" ever since. Our only discussions involve our two daughters. There have been many ups and downs (rollercoaster) in between. She filed for divorce because I refused to.

She is not happy. She now has a place of her own, has equal custody of the children, and Mr. Wonderful (my "pet" name for the OM) will be moving in with her shortly. She is miserable, which doesn't surprise me based on all that I have read, but I believe she is too proud or "bull-headed" to ever come back. She has never mentioned anything to me or her family about a reconcilliation.

I learned something today, and I am asking for some advice. She is beginning to open up to her sister. She knows her family is opposed to her affair and pending divorce and therefore hasn't told them anything. She told her sister that she needs someone to talk to, and has even suggested that she might go for some counseling (again, no mention of reconcilliation) She started talking to her sister about what went wrong in our marriage. She feels I spent too much time with her parents and it makes her angry that they still talk with me. Her sister is encouraged by this "opening up".

I am past the point of getting too excited everytime I hear something that might be good, but I haven't seen anything like this posted here before. Could this be an awakening?, or just more fog talk?

Would it be a good idea to variate from Plan B just long enough to let her know things could still be worked out?

Any comments would be appreciated.

Thank You.

Ozzy

Ozzy, a little more info please.
When you went to PlanB did you do it with a letter? If so WW has at least some idea of what would be necessary in order to start a recovery. If not the fact that WW is beginning to open up to her sister, and that you are in touch with her sister, may give you an opportunity to let WW know that you are still open to recovery and what it would take. Try to subtly work with her sister. And remember, much of what your WW is going to say to her sister now is fogspeak.
The fact that your WW is considering counseling is a big positive. People don't consider counseling when life is good. She does not seem to be a happy woman is her current situation.
I know it is hard to imagine, but Mr Wonderful moving in with her could be the beginning of the end of the A.
Do not contact her directly. It could be that your PlanB is starting to pay off and you would not want to ruin it.
Stay strong.

23Down,

Thanks for your reply. To answer your question, I did not give her a true Plan B letter. I didn't know what one was when I began no-contact with her. The last letter I gave her stated that I didn't want a divorce, but it didn't tell her what needed to happen for reconcilliation. By the time I learned what a Plan B letter was, I thought it was too late to give her one. I did verbally tell her that if she changed her mind about the marriage to please talk to me about it.

I'm going to take your advise. Although I feel kind of funny about using her sister as a go-between, it is probably the best way. I'm sure that her sister will not have a problem doing it.

I hope you're right about the OP moving in with her ultimately ending the affair. It's not that hard for me to believe it though. So far everything she has done to find happiness ( a new Dodge Durango, a puppy, etc...) has failed. I pray that this relationship with OM will fail as well.

Thanks again for the advise.

Ozzy

Do not push. Do not "plot" with WW's sister. Remember that anything you say to her sister will probably get back to WW. So a little "If WW could just stop seeing the OM I would love to try again" to her sister may be all you need at first.
Her sister should definitely encourage the counselng but it should never sound like that advice is coming from you.

Hello Ozzy:

I see similarities in our situations. I get desparate at times to hear something from ex-wife so I find myself seeking out possible third parties; ie., someone with whom she is also in touch. This can be heart-wrenching though because no matter what you do, you force that person to be an uncomfortable go-between. It usually backfires.

I have been in "Plan B" for most of this year. She sadly moved out on February 1st. I really struggled for that first month of February, but then in March, I resolved to have no contact with her at all. Afterwards, I felt better. I have since reached a compromise plan which I call simply: "Little acts of kindness". What this means is that I do not let more than a week go by without performing some "little" act of kindness for her. What this means is that I just remind her that I care about her and that I am thinking about her. I do not create any big romantic drama. It might be something as simple as bringing her a healthy salad to her workplace on a day when I know she is busy. Or perhaps, I e- mail her a link to a web site which I know may be helpful to her work. I try to conduct these acts very quickly (in and out), but always full of feeling with a quality of permanence. My goal is to communicate that I would be embrace entering the day to day routine with her again; and that I am genuninely interested in her life. I don`t know whether this qualifies as being in Plan B, but at least it seems to work for me. Perhaps it is a Plan A / Plan B hybrid.

On the topic of Plan A and Plan B though, can anyone point me to samples of Plan A and Plan B letters. For some reason, I don`t seem to find them here.

Thanks and Good Luck Ozzy.

Doug

Thanks for the responses.

23down - It is a fault of mine that I want to plot. I know it will only come back and bite me, so I'll try my best not to. I guess it just makes me feel like I'm doing something about the situation. I am impressed with your responses, so I looked up some of your other posts on different threads. How is your situation going (if I may ask)? I hope well.

Standing - I am the furthest thing from an expert on plan B that there is. My understanding is that it may show the WS what life will really be like without you, but maybe more importantly, it separates you somewhat from the situation and protects your sanity. Are you seeing any results from your "modified" plan B? I guess if it helps you feel better that's a good thing, just be sure that you're not actually driving her further away.

I saw a good Plan B letter recently, but for the life of me I couldn't locate it for you. I did go into the 'PlanA/Plan B Archive' and searched for "Plan B Letter". There were some good threads there that may help you.

I have another question to ask. I was always very close to my stbxw's family. Her father, two brothers and I are very close friends. I know it bothers her very much that we still talk and do things together. She has warned me a few times to stay away from them (although there was never a consequence given that I would face if I didn't). Once she stated that "They (her family) love you more than they do me." This is far from true - but although they love her and will still talk with her, they will not support her actions. She obviously feels threatened by this. Her family has seen the OM a couple of times, but refuse to acknowledge his presence. This leads to my question. Am I hurting my chances for reconcilliation by continuing to talk to her family? By the way, we do not "plot" against her when we are together - in fact as of the past four months the subject doesn't even come up anymore. It's funny, I always thought that the fact we were so close to my in-laws was a positive in our marriage. Maybe it helped to kill it.

Ozzy