H and I are in recovery from the A's I had two years ago. I have been faithful ever since, I am so proud of the strides both of ua have made in our marriage and as individuals. We have been posting here since the summer of 99. We have a little boy now, too, he will be turning 1 soon. I have every reason in the world to be happy but I have turned into "Wifezilla." <P>As if my H hasn't had enough to put up with from me already, now I have been having mood swings from hell. I work night shifts, come home, get 4-6 hrs of sleep and wake up feeling like nails on a chalkboard for most of the day until I leave for work. When I am at work, I often feel very blue, sometimes even despondant. I have way too much time to think about stuff at work, I stay as busy as I can, but the downtime always gets me.<P>At home, it's not unusual for my H to not to be able to joke around with me much anymore. I start getting very aggrivated sometimes even when he asks me a question. SO often I just want to be left ALONE and not bothered, I want to say don't ask me any questions, don't touch me and stay out of my way. No, I'm not in withdrawl, I'm not having an affair, I'm just turning into this witch and I don't know WHY... Every day I try to change my mood myself - I 'coach' myself mentally and tell myself to relax, he's just kidding around, laugh - it's supposed to be funny, let him touch you without protesting, quit being such a b**ch! And I consciously make a constant effort to battle this intense irritation I am feeling. On the outside I can manage to smile but inside I am gritting ny teeth and I'm full of tension. <P>I'd attribute this to PMS, but isn't PMS supposed to STOP sometime? lol <P>My H deserves a better wife than this. My son deserves a better mother. I don't feel so bad for me, I feel bad for them. They have to live with my moments of unreasonable tension, I know how hard it is to deal with someone who manages to make the atmosphere thick enough to cut with a knife. I hate to BE that person. It's frustrating because I am aware of it, I make an effort to snap out of it, but most of the time I can't feel better and it won't go away. <P>This is the hardest part to admit but frequently I just want to drink a few beers and as the commercial says "fahgetabahtit." Call it self medication. On my nights off I often do have one beer, maybe two at the most but boy do I want more because I don't feel like a bundle of nerves anymore then. I just stop myself. I think of my son, how terrible it would be for him to have a mommy who drinks too much, or if something bad were to happen to him how could I handle it? I think about my H - how could I set myself up for a problem like this, knowing what it would do to him? Is this called an addiction or a problem already? <P>Maybe some St John's Wort would help. I'm afraid if I go to a counselor, s/he would try to set me up on Prozac or some other mind fixer up med. I don't want to have to depend on paying someone to sit and listen to me whine about my life, nor do I want to have to take a pill just to be normal! (Please no offense to those of you who are on anti-depressants, I know they DO help and I don't have a negative attitude towards those who benefit from them, I just don't want to be at the point where I need it for myself again.) My problems are not any worse than most other people's. I hvae seen what BAD is, my life isn't like that. It's just really really sad and confusing sometimes and overwhelming. <P>Can anyone else relate? How do you deal? Am I nuts? lol Maybe I just want to commiserate and to get this off my chest and knowing someone read it and cares will make a difference.<P> Thanks

Hi Khyra,<P>It has been awhile since we have talked. I have a few thoughts for you. First, go get a complete physical, and I mean complete. It is very likely that something is changing in your body and you need to know what it is before you medicate it with a beer or two or even go into other things.<P>If I recall correctly you are a nurse right? If my memory is right or not, definitely get to this issue. It could be something like Wellbutin (sp??) for anxiety might help. Do you have a family history of people being down or mad alot?<P>You know the drill. I will tell you this if you were older I would say that you may be on the road to a heart attack. Most everyone I have know that had a heart attack was very agitated for a period before the event. I am guessing it was a loss of circulation and the body/brain responding as only it can. Brain doesn't feel pain you know.<P>Could be you are having some female problems that are upsetting the hormone balance, it could be a lot of things. But if this is not normally you and it just seemed to start with no obvious outside social/personal issues, then go the medical route first.<P>Finally, it could be something you breath at work. You know that most house painters used to have alcohol problems. It has been conjectured it was from the fumes in the paint. So you might want to consider the environment you work in. Just a thought.<P>In any event, as usual you are very bright and perceptive to pick this up and realize it isn't about those around you. Could also be you need exercise and less caffiene. Seriously, think about that as well.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Hi JL, great to hear from you, friend. <P>Both my H and I plan on getting complete physicals soon. He is starting a new job (tomorrow is his first day) and we will have health insurance again at last. I will mention this to the Doc, maybe we can come up with an answer. I will have to look up wellbutrin in my drug guide - I've heard of it but it's been awhile since I've given it. I won't totally rule out the possibility of meds helping, I'm just loathe to the whole idea for me.<P>Yes, my family does have a very strong history of depression, alcoholism, anger and control issues. I am aware that this affects me in many ways. I am grateful that I have learned a thing or two about how these issues come about. That's why it reflects very poorly on me when I develop any of those problems. It's like, I KNOW better, so why do I let it get so bad or happen at all? (Kinda the same concept with my infidelity.)<P>Interesting research on the painters, I never heard tat before. But for me the urge to drink more and more has got to be genetic and/or environmental (the way I was raised) JL, I don't want to have a problem! It scares me so much and the thought sickens me. If I take care of these mood swings I'm having, maybe I won't feel like drinking so often. I don't want to abuse it and not be allowed to enjoy it like normal people can. (Course you all know how NOT normal I am woohoohoohohaahaha)<P>Seriously I think maybe I just needed to vent. I am still very tense inside. I know what big issues are bothering me. I just don't know how to fix 'em, everything I have tried has failed. I could sit here all night and list the myrad things that are wrong with me, the bad stuff people have done to me, etc... What's the point? It doesn't get any better that way.<P>Thanks for Just Listening. <P>Wifezilla

Khyra,<P>If K were here he could give you better advice, but be aware of this. If others in your family have similar problems, they may not be behavioral in the sense you are thinking of them. They be genetic and chemically enduced, meaning as your body developed and matured certain imbalances may be manifesting themselves. It wasn't until the past few years that medicine could even address these things, now they can.<P>Khyra, do you wear glasses? I do. Why do I wear glasses, I can see well enough without them to drive and do many things, except read (age ). I wear them because I WANT to see as well as I can. I need to see things. With my glasses I see 20/10 and can pickup signs, changes in traffic sooner than the average person.<P>Please consider that if there is an imbalance getting it fixed is in someways like wearing glasses. As for Wellbutin (sp) it isn't an anti-depressant but an anti-anxiety drug. If there are work issues that you having trouble dealing with this may help. <P>But so may talking with your H about how you feel, how you want to feel, and maybe brainstorming how to avoid what you think triggers your feelings.<P>Khyra, I don't want to scare you, but even at your age things can go wrong that first manifest themselves as changes in mood. So do get yourself checked out first, and if you don't feel you like the answer, get a second opinion. A physical is a lot cheaper than a divorce or going through life miserable. You are a bright young lady, you can do the cost analysis. <P>Tell unseen2 congrats on the new job.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

Thanks, JL.<P>You brought up another interesting point with your analogy about the meds. I hadn't thought about it that way before. It's funny how people take an aspirin for a headache or digoxin to make the heart beat stronger and don't think that they are weak or lacking (barring certain religions, of course). But when you demonstrate that you might benefit from taking a med to smooth out your moods on a daily basis, it's like a whole other ballgame. <P>While in my early teens I was prescribed a couple different anti-depressants. Nortriptyline (sp? some nurse, huh lol) then Prozac. I'm not sure that either helped me, but then again I was at a point in my life where I did not want to be helped. I was thinking of this after I read your first post - when I was diagnosed with depression back then (aka dysthymic disorder) I DO recall that I was extrmely irritable then too, like I am now. <P>It is a scary and disheartening thought for me that I may be THAT depressed again. I keep asking myself why should I be so depressed? It makes me feel like I am just not controlling it, that maybe I am looking for reasons to be miserable, basically that it's due to there being something lacking in me as a person and my ability to deal with things like most other people can. Other people hold up under strain, I get into a situation where I have to use a little emotional muscle and I start having a mental heart-atack! What does that say about me, combined with the obvious weakness I demonstrated by being unfaithful?<P>Well, there isn't much I expect anyone to be able to say. I am starting to work some thru some of this as I write it down, and while reading your responses, JL. Thank you for the kind things you have said about me It's nice to hear the good stuff, I just gotta work on believeing it again.<P>Khyra <P>

Hi Khyra,<P>I don't come over here to Other very often... but do occasionally, and lookie who's here!! <P>Honey, go get that physical that JL mentioned. That's first.<P>Secondly... <ducking>... how old are you? I went through back-to-back PMS symptoms from years 39-42, for real. It was diagnosed as peri-menapause (sp?)... that's pre-pre . <P>Also, of course, your hormones could never have gotten back to normal after the baby. AND, add to that the icky work schedule... and ... recipe for depression, I would think.<P>Getting over infidelity in marriage is such a trying thing -- very difficult, even under the best circumstances (a spouse who forgives you and works to make your marriage better)... it takes that thing we hate to hear about - TIME. Even if things are "better" in the marriage, there is that underlying thread of infidelity... you both remember, try to forget, and as time goes forward... it lightens and lightens until there are full weeks, years, where it isn't thought of at all. But until then, it is there. Time...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino

Khyra you said: <BR>>We have a little boy now, too, he will be turning 1 soon.<<P> Have you considered postpartum depression? If your birth was emotionally tramatic it could open up a lot of stuff. After my first was born I was exactly how you describe now and after I quit nursing him it got a little worse and slowly I returned to normal, probably as my hormones stabilized. My mom suggested at the time that maybe it was my thryoid but I never had it checked. Who knows?<BR>Interestingly, I had my remaining children at home and never had the same experience with mood swings. Maybe it was just a first time mom thing or the emotional healing I experienced in having the rest comfortably at home. Anyhoo, I am rambling now so I will sign off.<BR>McDeb, who is grateful for your help on my topic. <BR>

Sheryl,<P>You are a Young Lady, . In my eyes, Khyra, is an even Younger Lady. Children, what to do with them. <P>Khyra, I think Sheryl an McDeb have hit on a few things to consider. You have been under considerable stress for the last few years: affairs, reconcilliation, a new baby, job. Eventually, the body rebels against this constant stress and that is what you are seeing. The body saying Whoa!<P>So get checked out, and by the way, as you know there are many new drugs coming on the market now, so if it is necessary for a short time or a long time (doubt it) give it a go. Also the post partum depression especially coupled with everything else is surely the first rock I would roll over if I were looking for a clue.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

NB: Hey girl thanks for your input. I'm glad you popped in to this bar. JK lol As usual, you have hit one very big shiny nail on the head. No matter how much time passes between you and the affair, it is still there. <P>Mercifully, it's no longer breathing over my shoulder, but I will always stand in its shadow. Hey, that's a consequence I am willing to accept, but much the same way as I accept my own death someday. I don't like it but it's there and it will never change or go away. The fact that I destroyed what I thought was a relationship that was much better, srtonger and all around happier than most other people ever get to have. The fact that I hurt the one man in this world who has been everything to me, has filled in all the wide hungry gaps, the one who completes me. I have to live with the fact that I am NOT the person I said or thought I was for the past 26 years (my age come Aug 10). I am lost and on the path to finding out what I am made of. SO far, I'm not liking much of the stuff I am realizing for the first time. Self-awareness is a b**ch.<P>McDeb: For the most part, post-partum depression didn't take a srtong grip on me. I don't know why, but I'm grateful! You have a brave spirit to have had your children at home, I'm sure it was a beautiful experience. My son is my first child and the temptation of the epidural guaranteed a hospital birth for me. We have been discussing when to start trying again... sooner or later?? I have a lot of things I'd like to get in order with my home and myself first. Thought I had my stuff together before I had my son, but THAT was a wake-up call if there ever was one! Anyway, my turn to ramble, lol<P>

Okay JL, 42 is young, 42 is young... <repeat to self hourly> <P>Khyra, Hi again,<P>Well, being a younger woman, I have to bet on your hormones post-baby going nutso.<P>JL is so right, too, about how these kinds of things (the stresses of life, esp. when infidelity factors in) that make us SICK, quite literally, and mess up our bodies. <P>(<B>JL don't read the next lines, I'll tell you when you can come back</B>)<P>Khyra, my periods were so messed up you wouldn't believe it, after the affairs. I'm talking, 24 days to 37 days apart, light flow, heavy flow, horrid cramps, no cramps... plus, add to that my colon blowing a gasket (put in the hospital), and you've got the makings for a major overhaul.<P>(<B>Okay, JL, you can come back</B>)<P>Be sure to get that physical, and to find ways to relax... although with a little baby I know those "alone" times are few and far between. Your healthy body will help to heal your marriage.<P>Maybe some bubble baths, meditation, reading a good book (even in 3 page snatches, while you're nursing, etc.), a fountain for your bedroom...<P>Best wishes, lovely Khyra. (Hi unseen, too!!!)

42 is a lot younger than me. 42 is a lot younger than me. 42 is a lot younger than me... <P>Sheryl, <P>I keep repeating that and it isn't helping. <P>As for 26, Khyra you have no idea. Your affair isn't going to haunt you for the rest of your life. It is going to make you better for the rest of your life. You and Unseen know things about yourselves, that are truely remarkable. Yes, you know that there are some bad things, but most people have them and don't admit it. So they get blindsided.<P>BUT, Khyra you know you have such strength. You have learned to face yourself, your errors, and work your tush off to make your H's life and yours better. You know things about your H that most W's don't know. He is a strong man, who loves you very deeply. Khyra, most people would give their eye teeth to really know that about their spouses.<P>Plus, as time passes and believe me at 26 your life has many twists and turns to take, the affair will become a memory, even a guiding memory, but not a painful memory. It will become a mistake overcome.<P>When I think of what I was doing at 26, and how dumb I was it is a miracle that I made it. You and Unseen are so far ahead of me at that point in my life it is scary. But Khyra, it is time to look at the positives. It is those positives that will make Unseen so glad he stuck with you.<P>So take good care of yourself, physically and mentally. Take good care of the baby, they are fun aren't they. And take good care of Unseen.<P>As for not being old enough to read Sheryl's R rated stuff. is all I have to say. <P>God Bless,<P>JL<p>[This message has been edited by Just Learning (edited August 08, 2001).]

JL: I didn't see your post until after my last post oops! What, me, stress? What on earth are you talking about? Thanks for calling me (and Sheryl) young. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm just in my 20's - but wow I feel like it's all getting away from me lol. The number just keeps going up year after year.... You have your stuff together, I have a hard time imagining that you ever didn't. We keep the intelligence we are born with but develop wisdom with age, I suppose.<P>I'm happy that someone sees my story and thinks I am strong. I have yet to look at it that way. I know I did what I needed to do in the end, but that I ever allowed to get as far as it all did is what I tend to focus on. You are right about my H being a strong man, this whole ordeal has made me appreciate what he is inside all the more. <P>Sheryl, mine have ALWAYS been thata way. Unless, of course I am on The Pill, then it's normal. I was hoping the preganancy would cause it to behave but alas, I rarely even bother counting the days till the next one - I just watch for the symptoms.<P>Anywho, I am feeling better today. I have felt a LOT better knowing that I can spend more time at home now and take care of things around here. Two nights of work a week I can handle fine! Thanks again everyone for coming to Complainer's Corners, I'm your host, Wifezilla. Join us again next time for another sine tingling episode - soon!<P>

Khyra,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>If K were here he could give you better advice<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I just thought I'd drop by and provide some better advice. Listen to those three... <P>I love the "wifezilla", BTW. I would strongly urge you to get checked out by your doc. Wellbutrin or Zoloft would be my top two choices for antidepressants for you---but you're doctor is probably a real MD, and I'm just some quack Ph.D. who thinks he knows better... I think you are dealing with a busy life, a baby that takes time, the "self-awareness" of what happened---it's tough. Welcome to "depression". Don't go to the alcohol route---it's not a very good way to go, and it doesn't allievate the biochemical issues involved with depression. <P>It's nice to see you back, even if it is to rant and rave. It sounds like the two of you are really doing well!

K,<P>Nice to har from you, too! In all this time I did not realize that you have a PhD, and I have no idea what kind it is! I have a lot of respect for the tenacity and perseverence it takes to attain that level of education. I'm over here, still picking at the concept of getting started on my BSN. Either that or I'll totally swing the other way and go for journalism (restaurant critic extraordinare over here lol)<P>Why do you think Zoloft and Wellbutrin would be good meds for me? I am interested in your learned opinion. <P>Things have actually smoothed out for me tremendously since I have cut way back on my night shifts. I did a 10 hr shift last night 9p-7a and I noticed the difference in my mood after that - it was bad again! Must be my circadian rhythms are rebelling - they have had it with Ms Night Shift here. <P>Thanks for your input, K <P>Khyra <p>[This message has been edited by Khyra (edited August 12, 2001).]

Hi Khyra,<P>I was thinking of antidepressants for you that wouldn't have some of the sexual side effects that this class are known for. Zoloft is pretty well regarded as an SSRI. Effexor is another (it's a dual Seratonin/Norephinephrine reuptake inihibitor) that's similar to the SSRI's. Wellbutrin is a different class (and I'm not sure how it works---I'm not sure that Glaxo knows how it works either), and it is not only more effective against some forms of depression, it can help with energy levels. It also has a good record in regards to sexual side effects.<P>I'm glad that you're noticing the "night shift" effect---some people have real difficulties dealing with the shift changes. If you're one of them---stop! <P>I have degrees in Chemistry and Biophysics. JL is a physicist, so I'd tell him that I'm a chemist. If it was a biologist asking, I'd say chemist. And if a chemist was asking, it'd be physicist... it's a moving target <P>Good to see that you're perking up. Stay away from C-shift!!!