My marriage ended one year ago today in a five-minute court hearing. My world changed, and the lessons I learned have been a blessing. I have a new respect for what it takes to make a relationship work. The most important thing is the choice you make in WHO you are with. I believe the most common mistake that leads to divorce is ignoring the incompatibilities between 2 people, and not considering the family history that the 2 people share. How you were brought up is the #1 factor in finding a true love/match. People tend to settle for a person, even when they have major differences in beliefs, religion, culture, etc, and these differences come back to haunt them in the future if they are not addressed. People DO NOT change, and if there is something about a mate that you wish to change, that person is not the right person for you. Just MHO.

I have been lucky to find a wonderful woman who cares about me like no other. I care about her the same way. It is a mature relationship, and in almost 1 year of dating, we have never had a big fight. We just don't let it get that far. We talk things out in a mature way, and if we disagree, we respect each other enough to leave it alone. We don't avoid differences, but we both have no desire to "change" the other person. We love each other the way we are. Every day our bond grows stronger, and I am truly blessed to have someone like this in my life. She has been thru a similar situation as me, and it really adds to our bond and understanding of what life is really about. Fantasy and "feelings" cannot ever compete with REAL love. Real love is not a feeling, it's a lifestyle, and as Starfish puts it, it's a choice. I think that is the hardest thing to learn sometimes for some people.

I'd like to thank everyone here at the MB Forum who helped me get thru those hard times last year, especially Takola, Starfish, GSN, holdingontoit, 2Long, and Toni29. It was tough, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I found that light, finally. There is happiness again after divorce. You never forget about your ex, but you realize that those times were just a bump in the road. You have to take that energy, grab ahold of it, learn from it and make yourself stronger. Taking time to learn about yourself is a key to that.

Congratulations NK.

There truly is light at the end of the tunnel. I found it myself 13 years ago. You are right about one thing (at least, one thing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). The bond I share with my DH is strengthened by the very fact that in our previous marriages, we were both the BS of serial cheaters. It's further strengthened by the fact that neither of us chose to cheat on our x. I wouldn't have had a 2nd date with him, if he'd cheated, regardless of what justifications he may have offered. In MY mind, I had every justification known to man (and then some). I didn't cheat; therefore, I wasn't interested in being with someone who had (for whatever reason).

DH and I have been married for 12 years. There isn't a day that goes by (even if we've had an argument) that I don't realize how blessed I am to have him in my life. I cherish every single day. He means the world to me. And the good news, NK, is eventually you can (and probably will) forget about your x. I am truly indifferent to mine and think of him only when one of my children mentions him, which is not often. IOW, he occupies less space in my brain than the guy behind the counter at the drycleaner's. In fact, I think I could pass him at the mall and think, "hmmm, he looks kind of familiar. But, for the life of me, I can't remember where I know him from." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Again, Congratulations. Whether or not you eventually marry this woman, at least you know the possibility of meeting someone to share your life with, exists.

It's so nice to hear that things do get better. I'm just separated 7 months and I know I have a long road ahead of me. It feels like this saddness will never leave and I will never be happy again. Reading from posters that been through the tunnel and came out the other end gives me hope in my future. Some days it's hard to believe we can ever be happy again. Thank you for the HOPE!
LJ

Here I am just a few months into my new marriage and almost a year and a half together. My wife and I are SOOOOOO much more compatible than my EX and I were. We fought all the time, yelled at one another and called each other horrible names. No wonder we didnt make it. I used to think loving/arguing was normal at 70%/30%......I figured people in a normal marriage always tried to trash the other in an argument or disagreement. Little did I know after I met my current wife that loving/arguing should be more like 95%/5%. My wife and I hardly ever argue......we never belittle one another or GOD FORBID call each other any kind of name other than a sweet one. My EX and I were like oil and water......we just didnt get along and our personalities would not have allowed us to. Now I see how a relationship as that one was can cause someone to snap and have a crime of passion. My wife now is my best friend, lover, and the lady I have always wanted to be in my life. I too have found the light at the end of the tunnel.......I love my wife to death!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">People DO NOT change </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This would then include you as well, which means, if there is anything about you that you WANT to change... forget it... according to your statement, "people do NOT change." Thus, we are basically all "doomed" to our bad habits, wrong thinking, etc, etc.

This is very fatalist type of teaching and history proves time and time and time again, that, yes, people DO change.

I wanted to correct that statment because I find it to be a very faulty one that many people falsely believe. Not only is it faulty but it is condemning.

LoveMyEx..........I believe what nasakid is saying is that a persons personality cant be changed. You are born with it......if you are a mean or *****y person at heart, you can mask it....but, if its in your personality it will always be there and you cant change it. My EX is a perfect example. Even my parents said she never changed....personality wise. IMHO, I believe that is what nasakid was trying to say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ October 03, 2003, 07:33 AM: Message edited by: StartinOver ]</small>

Can't say family background is powerful as some think.

I was a latch key kid. Dad left when I was one. Mother worked two jobs to get her degree. Didn't remarry until I was 10 and I didn't like her choice....35 years later still don't. I pretty much took care of the little things for myself and from time to time even the big ones.

Wife came from a "Walton" type family. Farming family. Dozens of cousins, uncles, aunts and so on all living down one stretch of road. Close nit lots of get togethers and reunions. Wife's mother was the smothering type. Handled everything until the day we married 17 years ago.

But as it turns out I am the most affectionate family orientated of the two of us. I would have been affectionate and family orientated regardless of how my wife acted. But she was terribly abused/raped in her pre and early teens unknow to me....or anybody else for that matter. And that impacted her emoitonal developement.

Yes you can be happy after divorce though I have never experienced my own divorce. In my 45 years I have seen many happy remarriages and many miserable first time marriages.

I don't thin the WHO is as much important either. You really don't know a person until you have actually lived with them awhile and for many people that is not possible other than thru marriage.

What matters in my book is a willingness to meet each others needs....men and women have different ones and we need to recognize that.

Just my two cents worth....or with inflation one and a half cents worth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are absolutely correct stunned dad......my parents divorced....and I hate divorce. My wifes family is still married (they hate divorce) and their daughter is a christian and still divorced me. Over reasons which noone, including our pastor felt good enough to divorce for. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I believe that a person's pesonality/beliefs are etched into their brain. They can ADAPT, but not truly change. The development part of your life is where that is etched in. People react in different ways based on their level of self-differentiation, but if they are heavily dependent on the family for emotional nurture, they will be more influenced than someone who can maintain a balance of self dependence and family dependence. I've been studying this stuff, and you'd be amazed how people can be affected by family members up to 3 generations deep. This isn't the place for me to discuss this, but I wanted you to know where I was coming from.

Nasakid it is great to hear from you. You are right, and as everyone has always told us things will get better.

Although I have not found or even desire a relationship at this time I too also found things at this site.... Through here and reading I have found out about myself, my faults, my values, etc. the key thing being learning about and nurturing relationships. Albeit that I may never have another marrital relationship I can still apply the principles and the understanding in day to day relations....

Take care and keep us posted....

Hey nasakid,

It's good to hear from you... and Congrats, it sounds like your doing real well.

I'm glad to hear that you are in what sounds like a very meaningful relationship.

Keep us posted when you can.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Good to hear from you guys too! Wallace, send me an email and catch me up!

nk:

I had 2 just dig myself up out of my own grave AGAIN because, I guess, 2day isn't such a good day 2 die! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

2 people I care about but haven't heard from in a long time cropped up 2day! You, and starman.

I'm glad 2 hear your news! I think you're right about people not fundamentally changing who they are, which seems 2 be what you mean, though we can all change our habits, behaviors and perspectives.

I can tell you've been doing some reading in the past year! Good for you!

Anyway, good 2 hear from you. I'm going 2 post 2 starman now and go rebury myself again!

-2long