Today is 1 year since d-day! Ugh!!

I want to be positive about the direction my life has taken but I'm really low. I just feel like I should be past some of my feelings. I mean 1 year has past and I still cry. Stbxh didn't leave the house right away so I have been only separated for 7 months but I'm still so sad.

I know everything I read says there is no real timeline but I feel stuck. My mind plays tricks on me I have it that he has moved on and is happy and I am the only loser in this crisis. He just doesn't show his feelings so I think that means he's fine with everything.

I talked to my older son and he finally talked to his dad but when I asked how it went he was very secretive. I just asked if he felt better and he said he did and I said I was happy for him. I let it go and we talked about other things but I have to say I was sad that he didn't want to disclose what they talked about.

I know he doesn't want to do he said, she said thing and he doesn't want to be put in the middle. I total understand that but how do I not feel like I'm left out. It's like my head knows what is right but my heart takes everything so personally. I hung up the phone with him and cried, I guess I'm realizing that their relationship doesn't involve me anymore. I'm sad about that, am I making sense?

I feel like I'm the only one that lost! He will rebuild a relationship with his boys (which should be) and he has a new child that is loved by everyone (which should be) and I'm the only one that loses. I don't have my dreams (I know need to make new ones) my family is not whole but everyone else seems to be okay with everything. My boys don't need me like they use to which is fine but I don't know where I fit in.

I'm talking in circles and I hope I was able to get my point across. I just want to know if it's normal for BS to think that their WS are doing so much better. He seems fine with everything,I want him to be sad like me. WEIRD!! Why do I want him to suffer? Is he? I sometime just wish I could wake up happy and be happy ALL DAY!!!!

LJ

LJ - Hi I think that your feelings are totally normal- I am almost 2 years past D-day - 12th of October and divorced one year 9-18 - and I still freak out so to speak - it is so hard when you look at that WS and they seem to be just moving merrily along with their lives yet - nothing and I mean nothing is the same or normal in your life... I think that most people who go through this betrayal and divorce feel this way - OK one - are you on antidepressants??? They will help with the crying - though every now and then I still have a breakdown - are you seeing a therapist??? I have been going for a year and a half and I always feel 100% better when I leave there - Have you looked into any kind of support groups??? they also help - talking to people who have been through the same thing always a comfort... I feel left out of my childrens relationship with my ex - but then I stop and think imagine how left out he must truly feel??? And as for you moving on and accepting everything -- that is going to come with time... I understand the revenge thing and wanting them to suffer like we have - I don't think we would be human if we didn't feel that way - But we all need to find acceptance and move on and make a new life - a happy life for ourselves... We cannot allow our lives to be consumed by bitterness and what ifs, and what shoulds - You know - I am thinking this is the hardest thing in life - I am reading a book - SOS for your emotions - and it has little sayings in it - and I keep repeating this one to myself allof the time - " I don't like it, That's ok - I can stand it anyway" - You will get through this it just takes time...

Maw
Thank you for responding!

I have a therapist and I do belong to a support group so I have been trying to move forward. I am really doing well except I still have those awful feelings of saddness. I just want everything to hurry up and I know it just doesn't happen that way. I know TIME! I hate that word. lol

I was on anti-depressant and have been off them for 2 months, I do have xanax for anxiety, does help when needed. I just have to except what has happened and most days I'm okay but this whole experience has rattled me to the core.

I guess seeing everyone move on with their lives and me feeling like mine is stuck in reverse hurts. In a way it's like all is forgotten and I want to scream "WAIT DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT HE DID"
In reality I know that is what we all have to do, we have to move on but....

I'm really the only one he has really hurt. He didn't cheat on the boys so yes, their relationship has changed but he is still their father. His family is disappointed but he still their brother and the OC is innocent so she needs all their love also. I'm the one who lost a husband and all our dreams.

I just have to stop thinking everything is rosey for him. How could it be, really! So why do I think he got of scott free. I worry why I think like that it is so unprodutive for my recovery.

LJ

LJ - You are right you are the one that was hurt - and to the core so to speak - I pretty much feel the same way - I want to yell at people and say hey how can you talk to him - look what he did to me and our family -but you know what the simple truth is like you said he didn't do it to them - so they can think he is a jerk for awhile but they are not gonna hold it against him - sad but true... I went off of my antidepressants for about two months and once they were out of my system - I realized that I still needed them and I got back on them - maybe you should think about that... It is so hard - really truly it is - I just don't know what to say - I mean I to go through days when I think ok - who cares what he does etc... and other days I am like overcome by this sense of dread because of what he is doing ... But in the end I am going to be the only one that makes me happy and I realize that - truly I do -- I don't want to become that bitter woman who never got over her exhusband and let him and his affair ruin her life - the simple fact is though we may love them - they truly are not worth it... Time - is the key - I know it bites but I am thinking it is true... So just take in stride those bad days - and remember they will start to come fewer and further between - You are strong - you will get through this... You have to - you owe it to yourself... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi LJ, had been wondering how you were doing. There was a book I read sometime in the last 8 months (there have been so many) that really explained why your H seems to be happier than you can be at this point. It said that usually the person who leaves has already mentally divorced you before you might even know there is a problem. That was the case with my H anyway...turns out he had been thinking this for a good year. That is why it was so easy for him to walk away...he had already detached. I figure it will take me a good year to "catch up" to where he is, if that is possible.

I do still think that he will have to deal with major issues again when divorce papers are filed. Some things he plans and does, he still does as if he has a home and a family. For instance (according to my son) he had a huge double deer mount done at the taxidermist...where does he think he is going to put that??? In his tiny 8 x 8 room at his sisters mobile home? He has no plans of moving out of her place, it is too convenient and he doesn't have bills so he can blow all his money hunting and fishing, and she takes care of him (washing, cooking). Where does he think he is going to put his garage full of tools and fishing stuff, and all his things out of the house. I guess he is not thinking of that, but when we are done, his things are outta here. I have already started packing some of the things in boxes.

I know what you mean about the kids and feeling left out. Just this past Sunday he invited them to a baseball game. My feelings were kinda hurt at first...then I remembered that I dont even like baseball <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> so why did it bother me? I guess it bothered me because it was an opportunity to be a family. And yes, my daughter is grown, so I am not known "C's Mom" anymore, you know how all their friends used to refer to you. My son is still in school, but not as active as the daughter was...so I am not known as "R's Mom" to anybody. Now, I am not known as "the wife", so where does that leave me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ?

OK, so now I am rambling....point is...
I know, I hate that four letter word too (TIME), but it seems we have no choice but to wait for it (and God) to heal us. Yes, there are things you can do to help...but it still takes TIME.

Hugs and prayers,
CLHG