Been here a while reading and learning.Please dont blast me for this being so long but it's 20 years in the making. There have been no affairs or anything like that in our relationship. There is a huge trust issue though. I have tried everything I know to fix it till I am ready to give up. I had a female co-worker who was genuinly worried about my emotional well being and called the house to see if I was alright. We were going through a bad period. That was the extent of the cause. That was years ago. I am told I need a younger woman, a girlfriend etc. I dont have one and didnt want one. I have two kids. I have always been the one to go to their rescue as mom makes herself unavailable. I did most of the mom duties when they were infants to 13 years. Mom went to college and I felt abandoned. She was home every day, but not there. She was busy with homework and I had to do all the household kid stuff. She works nights and sleeps days. I am completley frustrated trying to keep a quiet house. If the dog barks it wakes her and she throws a fit. We were told not to do anything when she is asleep. She treats me like one of the kids. She has to be in charge of everything. She does the finances, not well, as we are constantly in the hole. She spends how she see's fit and not with any thought process. The check book is never up to date so she guesses as she writes checks. We had to get a mortgage on the house because we are too deep to get out with regular payments. Now, when things go awry with the bills, she gives me tasks to perform while I am at work. The next fight, she describes it as me taking over when I was only following her instructions. If I try to help, I get blasted and told hands off. If I try to talk about anything with her, she stops the conversation by saying she doesnt like who I am talking about, doesnt like that kind of car, hates those things etc. I have less and less to share with her. I have not been sharing as much with her and it cuts down on the tensions. The kids have it rough and I try to do damage control. God forbid you put the dogs dish on the other side of his house. Even if you were thinking about how to keep his food dry, doesnt matter. You are wrong and you will do it her way. After hours of yelling with profanity, she will treat everyone in the house like they are invisible or yell constantly to do this or that. Drives everyone insane. Then in a few days, after damage control, reasssuring and appologizing for whatever, even if you werent wrong, she can be the nicest person. I think she is bi-polar. She has 9 of 10 symptoms, pesonality traits. She refuses to take blame for anything and has to be in control. Yet she loses control more than anyone. I feel bad that she wont look for answers to her problems other than us being the cause. She has claiming to be depressed since I stopped being a doormat and started yelling back at her. 20 years of being quiet hasnt worked. So I did my version of 180*, Yelling back. If it isnt my fault I tell her when I can get a word in edgewise. She still says it is my fault and that I am being an a**hole. I said it is how you act towards us and she disagrees. I have asked her to go to counseling. I bought the Mars and Venus book which she dismissed as BS. Wouldnt read it and said it was a mans point of view and was unrealistic. She disagrees with Dr.Laura,Thinks she needs to give it up, Doesnt believe in counseling, Refuses to let a financial advisor tell her how to spend "her money" etc. So she is totally unwilling to do anything constructive to help us. I wanted help but at this point just want to get away from her. She has smashed things, busted holes in walls, spray painted obsenities on a car I was working on, all the red flags were up and I thought that If I try harder it will get better. Then kids came along. If I try harder it will get better. When she finishes college it will get better. Now she has a hobby, that costs about 150 a month. I can kiss my dreams goodbye. I dont want to get what is left over anymore. I need to think about how she is affecting the kids and me. I am tired of her games like how to kill herself, mack trucks, trees in her way, dropping dead etc. She is making decisions without discussing it with me that I will have to live with. One major one is too late and there is nothing I can do. I feel angry that she wont let me have a good marriage. I feel betrayed, that she made decisions, Big decisions without me. I feel frustrated, that I cant seem to do anything right, cant keep her happy, and now I cant be my old go with the flow guy I used to be. I am getting further away from anything I ever wanted in my life. I have no friends anymore since she has thrown temper tamtrums in front of them. They felt sorry for me. Really where I wanted to be. I go to work and home. I have no time for hobbies, since hers is so time consuming. I have to help her with it. It takes me away from finishing the house, and she complains that it isnt done yet. She refuses to work with me because I "tell her what to do" Personally, if it were me making a cake, I would want her to tell me how. She isnt a builder. She isnt a brick layer, yet she wants to do it her way and doesnt care what it looks like when she is done. Basic techniques of building are questioned by her and why she cant do it her way. Again, I am wrong, throws a tantrum and tells me to stop work. I am at the end of my rope here. Nobody can understand how I lasted this long with her. I used to be content with the way things were, slightly sad but ok. In the last few years I just dont like who she has become. I am very resentful of the way things have been handled because my opinion was dismissed. I understand that you cant do it my way all the time. It should be able to be discussed openly without fear of reprisal. Nope, not here. If you have a different opinion, she gets mad that her way isnt good enough for me. Ok so now the kids are forming their own opinions of things. They want to share this with her and she treats them the same way. They cant openly discuss anything with her. The do that with me. We talk about stuff that they are thinking about. Not what I expect of them. I give them an oportunity to think on their own and have ideas. She undermines it. She screams at them for hours sometimes with them crying because she jumps to a conclusion and they cant fix it. She blows up at almost nothing. The kids want to leave because of that type of treatment. I was floored when they both came to me telling how she treated them and that they thought we should leave. I tried to discuss it with Mom and I was told that they are her kids and will treat them how she sees fit. ( yes they are "our" kids). Again dismissed and angry at me for attempting to discuss the nature of her attitude and treatment of the kids. I talk and she yells. I have always taken the easy road and said ok, and not lose my cool. I dont care about things and belongings anymore. I just feel like I am past the center of my life. I feel like I am missing alot. I see couples walking, dining, having fun, I am jealous. I can never have that with her. I feel like it is affecting my health. Not just depression. Physical. I get headaches three miles from home. She believes that any help will come from within her and will not go outside of that. Our last blowout, she said if I would just do what she says, all will be fine. She thinks life is going great. Why am I so disgusted? Why doesnt she have a clue as to how close I am to the edge? I have told her point blank that we have serious problems and need help and she lables me a**hole and goes on the way she always did. Nothing changes. She doesnt feel there is anything wrong with her and it is everyone around her. I cant even turn on the tv without her wanting to know what I am watching and why, and if she isnt watching anyway, she will change to the news so I cant enjoy a little mindless non thinking tv. Might as well be on a work detail at prison.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> bi-polar. She has 9 of 10 symptoms, pesonality traits

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> After hours of yelling with profanity </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> yell constantly </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> her games like how to kill herself, mack trucks, trees in her way, dropping dead etc. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have no friends anymore since she has thrown temper tamtrums in front of them. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She screams at them for hours </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The kids want to leave because of that type of treatment. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I talk and she yells. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She has smashed things, busted holes in walls, spray painted obsenities on a car I was working on, all the red flags were up </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You need to protect your children and yourself, NOW!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel like it is affecting my health. Not just depression. Physical. I get headaches three miles from home. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No doubt it is!

Please seek professional help immediately to save yourself and your children.

Bi-polar isn't pretty when it goes untreated, believe me I know, my mother has been bi-polar for over 30 years. If she didn't take medication DAILY, I couldn't be in her life. Why? Because being around her without medication would destroy mine.

Get help for yourself! I KNOW what your kids feel like! Awful!