Ok.

Praying harder than ever. Been wearing my sweats (at least they are cute) all the time...Trouble sleeping, teary sometimes, don't have appetite. Yep. Depression is back and was triggered by two biggie things.
1)return of Jethro and Family Values
2)loss of job

So I've been burning up the email, fax and whatnot making calls and getting things lined up. It is slow but I just got some killer news..Will be given the date early next week of an interview w/pharma company one of my friends works for and he is really close to the guy who hires...I have an excellent shot basically <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Would allow for company car (when lease is up, turnin' in the suv), computer, and other stuff. But I am frightened if they run a credit check b/c of Jethro destroying me financially over the last year and a half. Have to decide if they should know up front of this happening, but I am not going to be all about doom and gloom during interview. That shouldn't be held against me.

Wierd stuff goin' on with Jethro. Spoke w/him two nights ago and he said "yea, I know you guys pray for me." And then more contact. He dropped son off here at home yesterday and called me earlier in the day to say he'd be coming over or calling within an hour and bringing him over before he went into work (he has leisurely days with his work starting whenever he decides to walk into the office). Waited and waited and about 4 pm he drives up with son (had to plug my directions into his onstar thing in fancy car) and made the quickest drop off in history. So quick in fact, he had no reason to even do what he did. He walks to door, rings bell and then stands there and goofily smiles at me for a couple of seconds while son walks in. Earlier the day, he asked how I was feeling (I have an earache)and could have only found that out from son...Thus son is telling stuff or hes prying for information. I had not heard anything decent from this guy since the last time a year ago he tried to get me to allow him an overnight visit with me...get it? Told him earlier how the vacuum cleaner has died officially after four times being resurrected by sears repairs. So son hands me in his little hands the check for c.s. and alimony and another check for fifteen bucks more than the amount of what I paid for son's school lunches (jethro forgot to pay them). Wondering if it's because of the vacuum. Anyhow that was wierd. Him paying earlier, saying he knows we pray for him, and then last night he called while we were at Walmart vacuum shopping an hour later. He says he wanted to talk to son b/c he was "sorry he rushed off soo soon earlier".

Need I say who was waiting in the car? Family Values of course. The ,Jacky I am borrowing this from you now, elvira-esque banshee, was in the passenger seat.

Found out she's answering the phones for him at his office. She's on the damn payroll! Oh, her modeling, bootie-floss, jobs must be paying well if she's answering phones...not! And when JEthro called earlier, he said he'd be coming by before he came into the office. No answer. No return call for several hours and then before quittin
time, here he comes showing up with her. Therefore, I surmise that she is not allowing him to come anywhere near me where there could be personal contact alone with me. Can we say psycho? Insecure? OW idealology? Guess she too had seen the face of the enemy (me) and didn't like that I was not the dowdy former homemaker she thought I mustve been with Jethro telling her I was stupid, ugly, fat, etc.

So tomorrow at soccer, I will do the same thing again as last week, except alone. No buddy there for support except other soccer moms who dispise her.

So what's changed? I am not mean or vindictive. I respond only and I mean only with a kind word and do not validate anything he did last week that was mean. And I am foggy right back to him and smile. At least he's easier to deal with right now. Funny thing, I don't know if it's Family Values controlling him right now or Jethro controlling Family Values. Hmmm. Just gonna let their affair see light of day and let them duke it out with each other...and it will happen. Like my sis said, if I stay out, and be nice to him, refuse to interact with her in any way, then he has to take out his anger and poop on her. Thus, major LB'ing on their part. Matter of time before they destruct.

Meanwhile...I will just try to keep out of the whole thing and heal. I have to learn to do the little things in life and enjoy them.

Big praise! My great aunt and uncle in CA might be moving here when he resigns from the board of the corp. he's on. She's one of my closest relatives, no children, and my sis and I are like her own kids kinda. They are very well to do and just want to retire here b/c that way they could "spend time with me". I know of course, anything can happen in a year...look at my life for example..and I am basically afraid to hope for anything good. I try and deep down I want to be an optimist, but things just have been basically poopy for 2 years now.

Please keep praying. Last night before bed, my son said something that floored me. He said "let's pray mommmy that Family Values disappears and leaves daddy alone." I was shocked. I told him that God doesn't usually make anybody "disappear" and that was just something we can pretend or make up and that even magicians can't really make anything disappear...just pretend. But he prayed that she'd "go away". He just turned five. I hate that for him.

Please pray for the job thing and for my and my precious child's healing now. And pray for this veil of depression to lift and that I can face the sunshine with a big smile. I can put on a good face and I do every day, but deep down I feel the pain and that's that. Just want the smile outside to match what's inside for once.

BS's have it so hard. WE have to be strong for our kids, for ourselves, for our families, and after all of that, then we have to grieve too. And keep jobs, houses up, kids fed and clothed, do chores, and the rest of everything that's life. WE don't have an illicit partner in crime there hangin' around to help us clean up our little moral messes or the literal messes that take place. We have to go the road alone pretty much...And if it wasn't for MB and my few friends I can truly count on, I don't know where I'd be.

God bless you all.

JP,

I take it you mean you hate Jethro and not son.

Too bad we can't make people disappear! Hang in there. Fight the depression if you can. Easier said than done, I know. I just make sure 1) I don't live in sweats, 2) I get out of the house and 3) I call every blasted person I can think of and tell them I down. I try to skip over "depressed" b/c it scares people.

Hmm. Newly and I are starting a strip club for real women. What would FV and Jethro think if you joined us? {I'm joking about the strip club, of course.}

As for having it tough, imagine having to live with ripping apart your family for someone like elvira FV. And imagine having to answer for that one in the HereAfter!

God may be merciful, but sometimes, I wish he'd show a little less mercy to the jack a's.

Thanks GG. Yea, a real woman s.c. could be fun.

And you're right. Son wanted FV to disappear...

And a little less mercy to the j.a.'sses would be nice also..in total agreement.

This morning was soccer. He was a little scoring machine! Scored 7 goals.

However, Jethro did not send his soccer shoes in his bag t his week so I emailed him and left a vmail for him regarding that. I heard no reply. So late last night we went off to buy new shoes in case he just didn't do anything about it. On the way to the Sports Authority, I heard on radio, "Come out to Jillian's and party on the Bud LIght/Maxxim night out.." Then the commerical on radio goes on to talk about the "girls of Maxxim" and the boxing party at the bar. What a lovely outing! Everyone must be proud of her. Geez. Made me sick. Why don't I get normal triggers like everybody else...Like a car, a song..Nope. Not peachy. I get a radio describing where exactly OW will be and they make it sound cool. But hey, we all know that you could dress her up, but you couldn't teach her how to speak...lol!

Anyway, I've been depressed and feeling yucky but lost more weight...Thus, I am actually looking pretty good for a very depressed person, despite my penchant for sweats...even cute ones.

Phone rings at 750 am. It's Jethro. Wierd. He's never called me this early. Calls and says he's bringing the shoes.. Says he will be there at practice time. I wonder if FV will join him? We get to the field and he's there standing with shoes in his hand and walks to our suv. He then moves right over and puts sons shoes on in the suv. Then he walks onto the field with us. Very strange. He is decent. He then stands beside me, WITHOUT FAMILY VALUES. And does so for about 15 minutes. His phone keeps going off constantly. One call is her I know. But he gets off quick. Other is business partner. He informs me that "son won't be at soccer game next weekend as they are going out of town (probably with FV and her son) and that this trip had already been planned for some time). I say that I'd be glad to keep him if he has plans and take son to game because this is all about our son. He says the trip is about our son. Pure bull. And then he says for ME to tell the coaches....Son is the best one on the team and I am sure they will be disappointed.

Then comes the strangest moment of all...Son walks off field from scoring and runs up to Jethro and says..."My mommy is sooo pretty. Her ear is feeling better now." Jethro just stands there. I say "thank you son.". He he he he. Then he goes on to say things I need to do to work on soccer w/son (I always have to improve on something when it comes to him right? Nothing is right.)..So I use the huge thing...I defog the fogger.

This one threw him for a loop. I have a friend, just a friend, and not even a really close one, who's a guy who coaches soccer for high school and jr. high teams...So when he says how he's going to pay somebody to work with my son i say, "Well I have a "friend" that coaches upper school and he's going to be glad to work with son." Sure my friend said that, but I made a different emphasis on word "friend". This is the first time Jethro's ever heard my mentioning a guy before. Some mysterious wierd guy that lives near here and is the GA version of Beckham or something...He says ...'oh."

He stays and is nice. He stares at me for a long while off and on. I know that he only wants something when he is nice so not sure what it is yet.

I held my own today. Son played incredible and Jethro had to stand there and hear our son say that his mommy is pretty and that I have some "friend" now. He says he has to go rather quickly at the end of the game and doesn't stay at the end for the tunnel thing, or for son to get his star/award. Just says "Ihave to go." We even got the team photos.

It has got to be sad. Seeing that your x looks much better (little does he know I've lost due to pure raw stress) and announcing she can do things without you...and goodness...allow a "friend" to help out with soccer..He's got to be feeling wierd. And tonight he gets to go to the bar and hang out with FV as she struts her little maxxim stripper stuff and get ogled by men for money. What a life. See your xwife in the am being 100% for son there, attractive, smart, respectable..And in the pm you get trampy, Elvira looking FV and her ho self at a bar.

My self esteem has been bottomed out for about 2 years now. And I am learning how to get it back. Oh, and I forgot this...Jethro's got these little blondish/gold streaky things in his hair now. Just like Elvira has her streaky things in her dark hair. I think it's a little much now for a 35 year old father and supposed businessman. I said to him today..."What's with the little streaky things?" He said "I've had them for some time now..Just like to mix things up." Yea for sure. Totally. Now, like maybe he is going to become either a skateboard pro or a surfer.

What I don't get is this wierd stuff the WS' do. It's strange. Like acting they are so much younger than they are. Almost rebellious. And so in fogging the fogger, I mirrored him today. Acted foggy. Looked different. Cool, calm and collected. He he he. Knew I made him nervous wearing the low rise black yoga pants...He's probably wondering why is she dressing like this...Her sweats never looked like that before. She always wore jerzees..And now this?

But it's for helping me recover my esteem rightr now. I've been totally floored by the whole job thing, stress, move, and finality of the big d.

Peachy,
No WAY do yoga pants every pass as sweats! Underneath that respectable exterior, you're probably the type to drive men nuts.

Good for you!

Jethro is just a disaster at this point and not worth losing sleep over or thinking about. Let's think about Beckam. Have you seen Bend It Like Beckam? Awesome, and if you don't mind a mother thinking her daughter is a lesbian, and making out, it's okay for kids.

Are you actually doing yoga? 'Cause if you are, you could maybe go into Swan at the next soccer match. Or sit in butterfly, or free seat. Or just causually bend over to pick something up.

That flexibility goes far with men. Really, I'm an angel, it's just that my halo is held up by horns.

Doing a bit better...

And I was going to rent the Beckham movie as it was about soccer for son...but I think the mother issue thing is not for us...I mean, we see alot of poop and stuff that is morally wrong being force onto my son and I am just not going to legitimize more of that kinda stuff for him.

He's five and has too much to deal with already.

And I have not tried yoga, but have done alot of pilates lately to relax and try to lose that creaky feeling you get when you turn 30.

We went to a late service today, ate, and he's wearing his halloween costume watching Lilo and Stitch while I search for jobs via internet.

Actually got outta sweats and into pants for church. Was nice as the sweats could walk around by themselves by now...being worn so much.

Had horrible nightmares on thurs. and fri. nights about Jethro and the FV thing....It kept me up part of the night and then couldn't go back to sleep.

Was wierd.

Oh, asking for HUGE PRAYERS FOR A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE HERE...And we here don't think adultery is a huge problem in society?

I don't have many friends here, but have a few pretty good ones...not as good as lifelong friends back home or a few MB friends, but pretty good ones.

My friend who works out with me and has done so for the last 2 years called. She is sooo pretty and has a beautiful daughter almost 2 years older than my son. Married to a successful guy who owns a med. device company. Anyhow. He's been cheating. She called today to ask if she could come and spend the night with her daughter. I say of course, but we need to talk as my son has gone through alot and if there's gonna be alot of stuff (talk with you and your H) then we may have to reconsider. Last thing I want is my son being around or hearing people crying too much or loud talking/yelling and he's seen his share of adultery in the last 2 years with Jethro.

She was somewhat supportive of me..But she had a busy life and family to attend to. I never imposed on her or anything and am not sure what to do. As a friend, I think a few days might be good. There's a house nearby that is up for rent. I will help but will have to put up some kinda boundaries as my son deserves this now. He deserves as much peace as he c an get from me, because that's where the only peace is for him.

My friend also miscarried two months ago. This is horrible. I thought they had the best marriage. He went to church with them every Sunday and went to men's Bible study and all that. So when do the morals fly out the door? I have a theory.

It's when real life takes place. And I think it has to do with the adrenaline rush from the business world or from jobs and they think, WS that is, that every day our lives romantically need that rush and they can't handle the day to day equilibrium that is the stuff of real life. It's the highs and lows they understand. Not the smooth sailing and calm waters. Makes sense.

Today we may go to a pumpkin patch. We didn't yesterday as son fell asleep for a very long time after his triumph at soccer.

Please pray for this family. I want to help as much as I can and will do so but have to decide how much. I don't have much money at all, but can give her a place to live for a short while during the time they are looking...I believe in families and marriage and hope I can become an encourager instead of pushing her to divorce him. I hope this is only a separation for them and that he comes to his senses.

Why is this happening so much? I shared with a friend from MB here a few weeks ago that my desire is to see on the divorced forum a marriage be mended and healing and recovery take place. I pray for it in fact. Pray not knowing who God may bless with the recovery, but I pray for it for everybody. Instead I just see more families breaking up and OP just sticking their noses, or other parts of their anatomy as well, into places that they do not belong.

Am sick of the entire OM/OW thing and wish we could ship all of them to an island and just nuke it. Destroy them before they have a chance to destroy any more families.

Ok...That was harsh. But I am PMS'sing really hard and had a horrible week with job and depression thing back. Some bright spots on horizon and son and I are spending great quality time together (he woke me with so many hugs and kisses today!)so I am blessed for that.

Just gotta stop this stinkin' thinkin'...And yea, Jethro is a total disaster at this point, but there's this part of me that 1)doesn't want OW/ Ms. Family Values to succeed in her adulterous desires in snagging her own "family by default" and 2)that .000000000000005 percent that thinks all things are possible with faith.

Trust me, I am moving on. Painful yes, but moving ahead. I just think maybe I am going through finally the grieving process. Was warned by the good counselor that this would happen when the d was final...And it is complicated by the job loss, and the lifting of the restraining order thus making dad gum shure that I have to see Jethro now.

Stay strong. GG is very into yoga. Hey, we should all go to Kripala for a weekend.

GG was joking about the strip club, but we are considering an MB gettogether in Philly. We even have a tentative date 11/22 and still need to find a venue. Think you can make it? It would be great to meet some of the people from the boards.