My wife told me last night she wants a seperation. I'm lost...No where to turn, no where to go. She won't consider counciling nor does she seem to want to even talk about it. What should I do?

I wish I had time to reply, James. But I've got to run. So until I get to my computer or someone else jumps in, just survive.

Keep in mind, separation is not the absolute end.

Don't argue with her right now either. Give her wide berth, and since tonight is Friday, if she's going to be in the house, consider somewhere else to go, including the movies. Only no love movies.

Do you have children? How long have you been married?

I'll be back in a couple of hours.
{{{{{hugs}}}}}

Jamessh,

I'm sorry for your pain. Things do get better.Take one day at a time. you never know what will happen.
Good luck, kathy

Thanks for the reply. We have been married for just over 18 years, 3 children, 11, 13, 16. I suppose I can go to the park and sit for awhile. Look forward to hearing from you again.

James,

Read the articles on this site. I would guess that they will offer you some insight you don't have right now. Also, is there a chance that an affair (emotional (EA) or physical (PA)) is a foot?

I get the impression that this blind sided you, if so keep your eyes open.

God Bless,

JL

Jamessh,

Do you have an e-mail address. I can't post mine I'm at work.
kathy

More ideas:
Look in your local paper for a Separated/Divorced support group. You need real people who feel like you do.

Also, if you aren't familiar with the books on this site, order them, they will help you understand alot. I found that I couldn't concentrate on reading, but could listen to books on tape while driving, and the key His Needs/Her Needs books are available on tape.

Good Luck.

My wife was having an affair three years ago but it broke off after I found out about and we moved to a different state. In a way, I was blindsided but knew something was wrong over the past several weeks. As such, I started looking for signs of the affair being rekindled or another one brewing but found nothing to even remotely suggest this was happening. I suppose the unhappiness she felt then, never went away.

James,

Going and sitting in the park was NOT what I had in mind. What I had in mind was getting together with a buddy for a drink or a coffee, or the movies. Something to take your mind off of your situation for a while.

Maybe offer to take the kids out to a movie.

As I said, separation is not divorce. Have you done Plan A? Has anything changed since her affair?

What you need to do is demonstrate immediate change. You are partly responsible for her leaving and the unhappy state of the marriage. Which is totally good news because that means you can improve your relationship even if she's not doing any work.

First, eliminate all LBs. Think thrice before opening your mouth. Right now, all you want is her comfort. Not quite true. But, you're willing to postpone your own comfort in order to secure hers. I'm betting she needs to see this.

What are the issues that lead to the affair 3 years ago and what are they now?

I suppose I misunderstood your origianl posting. I thought you meant for me to stay out of her way for a little while to let her cool off or think a little. The weekend was ok since there was no arguements or heated discussions. Unfortuantly, she seemed to want to aviod any conversation on this and acted as though nothing happened. Yet, I still feel like the third wheel. There but not necessarily part of it all if that makes sense.

As far as the issues leading up to her affair, what counciling brought out on my part was a lack of communication. My reaction to trouble is to withdraw and focus my thoughts on resolution rather then discussion. This holds true for things inside and outside of our relationship. My wife felt that I was emotionally distancing myself from her which was not my intention. I cannot speak for her obviously but from her own words she said she was 'living a fantasy', no worries, troubles or concerns. Just her and her lover together, enjoying each others company.

I have tried over the last three years to change my ways to become more of the type of person she talked about during counciling. In my mind, the downside is that in a way, she became what she claimed I was. I would try to sit with her alone, take her to lunch, dinner, or just out for a walk to talk things over, but more often then not, when I tried to open up to her or get her to open up to me, she would quickly change the subject over to something completely outside our relationship. I guess my mistake was looking at this as a sign that everything was ok. You see, my wife is the type of person that will put negative things behind her regardless of whether or not they have been resolved. The affair is a good example. We started counciling the month after I discovered the affair. It went well-she even said so however, after about a month and a half, she suddenly told me that she did not want to go any longer. Her reason was that is 'was too much hurt, and too much rehashing of the past'. The thing is, when I asked her about counciling now, she said that we tried that and it did not work!

Sorry about being so long winded. I just don't know what to do. On one hand, she has not said point blank 'its over', she has not asked for me to leave, yet at the same time, I can't help but feeling like an outsider and she still does not want to talk. If she said-enough is enough, its over, at least I would know what to do, but as it stands, I have no idea....