Hello,,
I few days ago i asked you what an womanizer was?
I just read your post,, thank you.
You also mentioned something about
[QUOTE]. They could just mean you are charming and have that way some men do of making every woman in the room feel special. Often these wonderful men have women around them thinking, “If I weren’t the type of woman I am, I might…[QUOTE]
Could this also mean that this type of a guy is a negative type of person?
The reason I ask is because my W has accuse me of being a flirt!? I never considered myself a flirt, due to the fact I have never touched any lady, i never used, or thought of anything in any sexual way. I always tried informing W that it was only her i flirt with, as well as her that is in my mind, and heart.
I also informed her that I also make males laugh,, so waht would that mean, that i'm on both sides? (which i'm not)

If ones personality is just on the friendly side, with no thoughts of any attraction,, can this still be considered an womanizer?? Is this alwasy something considered bad? I realize that if a spouse is uncomfortable with things, then maybe its time to do something different,,

thanks

Yes, if your spouse is uncomfortable, you need to do things differently.

There are so many definitions of flirt. And womanizer. Womanizer is really never a good thing.

Is you wife very jealous? Where is this coming from? Also flirt does not equal womanizer in my book. But then, my book isn't the one that counts here.

Any possibility of you having this discussion with your wife?

I'm sorry I'm not up on your story. Are you in divorce proceedings, separated or just seeing what the DV boad is like

My story,,
over a year ago, W started accusing me of flirting,,, last Nov. she started saying I was abusive, controlling, manipulating, a liar,,,,
in Jan. she stated she was leaving my stupid sick a$$! In Feb. she accused me of sexually violating her, days later she moved out, w/o our children. March she placed a PPO against me,(a bogus PPO) had an ex-parte order, giving her temp. custody. In June we had an appointment w/ FOC, they gave me custody.
A week ago was when i was accused of being an womanizer. This same noght, we had talked on the phone over an hour, then it was as if a swith was clicked, she became upset, and accused me of being the womanizer. I did ask her what i have done to leave this impression,,, her comment was because i would alwayd flirt with any and all females! I do not consider myself a flirt, knowing that i carry on tyhe same way with males,, i never use any sexual comments, never touch, no winking,,, no phone numbers, i was always home, w/ our six children! I don't drink!
In ther PPO, i was accused of following her, forcing her from marital home, nothing was the truth!

Recently, we have a daughter that has/had a brain tunor, she became quite sick a few weeks ago. W and I spent time talking,,, i shared w/ her one day maybe the possibility of this happening, was a sign to get back together. Days later, she made a whole big issue out of this. As she so normally does, with soo much. Its like its twisted and made into what she wants it to be. Its really confusing, due to the fact, that I have always been open, and honest with my thoughts, intentions and or motives.

About four years ago, i would occassionaly drive the long way home in hopes to see my W, even if in passing opposite directions,, this was made into checking up on her( never was in my mind to check on her) She made a web site, I sent it to a garage, checked for errors, trying to be helpful, this too was made into that i wanted to prove she had, or made errors and mistakes> This was not the case,,, this is just to mention a few,

One day five years ago I asked everybody who wanted a choco shake, i was making them. Everybody but W wanted one. Later, she was upset because I didn't make her one,, so i made her one, yes! with a smile, It was no issue, no problem. I made her one, brought it to her, then she started saying how I poisoned it. Several minutes later, she was still carying on! Now, I was becoming scared, and worried. This *game* lasted for several minutes, way beyond any playing time. Finally she stopped! About two yeasr later, she did this again, the only thing different, was this time I think I may have helped her with the choco shake, i think she wore it,, i really can't remember that for sure, but I do remember thinking about throwing it in her face. The day she was leaving, i asked her about this,, she said * I was only playing.*
Yet, when I would play, it would be like maybe a TV show, or try tickling her, or i'd tell the children i brought them chocolate, (one time) but it was the baking choco, i had the children smell the cooking vanilla, it smells like it might taste good, but it doesn't,, I spoke of drinking sour milk, talking about it being lumpy,, one day at supper, i placed a spoonful of cottage cheeses in their milk glasses,,, I knew my playing was all harmless fun.

Yes, i can talk to my wife, but each and every time i do, eventually, everything is turned into something that was never in my chain of thoughts,

The latest, she came here to get her insurance card. She commented she was in a hurry, our children wanted to go with her, so i lef right away. When she came back, (a docs appointment) again, I and our two children, left right away. Hours later we were on the phone, i was informed that i intentionally mislead ehr about insurance card, to get her to come over here. She stated about what time she'd be back, so I told her that i would be here, or shortly after. I was accused of staying away, to keep her here longer,, when she dropped the children off, i said to them lets go away,, W was upset at me, cuz i didn't tell her where i was going,,,
The bottom line is, that no matter what i say or do, or don't say and do, everything is turned into, or made into something that it was never intended to be!?

I know me to be just a friendly safe person!! I alway7s considered myself to dang shy, to even think about flirting<<
sorry for the length,,but thank you!!
Steven

Stephan-
I've been married twice. Both of my husbands are/were "friendly." My first husband was a womanizer (serial cheater, too). My current husband is charming rather than a "flirt" or a womanizer (a womanizer is ALWAYS negative). The difference, as I see it, is that husband #1 made it clear to everyone (male and female) that he didn't value me, didn't value our relatioship, thought he was "better" than me and that I was lucky to have him.

My current husband makes everyone he meets feel important. He's a friendly guy. He can talk to anyone about anything. He's got a great personality and a fabulous sense of humor. He's funny and "fun" to be around. BUT, he makes it clear that he thinks *I* am the best thing that ever happened to him. When he tells a story about me, he always makes me look good. He always conveys that he thinks I'm smart and attractive. In other words, he treats me as if *I* am the most important person in his life, instead of the least important person in his life. He doesn't expect me to just KNOW that I am important to him, without him having to put forth the effort to show me that I am important to him.

So, my point is, IF your wife feels valued, she's likely to see you as "friendly and charming." IF she feels insignificant, she can probably point to your behavior as "womanizing." Now, whether or not you have anything to do with how she feels, is another post entirely.

Wow, Stephen. That's a lot.

I can only assume you are being honest with me. Or perhaps your incredibly thick-headed and don't see the truth of your actions. I'm betting on the former.

I suggest you have your lawyer request a full psychiatric evaluation of your wife for custody fitness, but also to see if she's ill.

She seems outside the normal spetrum of behavior. What does your lawyer say? Because in the meantime, it sounds like as little contact as possible may be the best course. Your W. seems to turn around everything.

Does she have some wacked out friend who's feed your w. this extreme nonsense?

Oh, and I'm willing to bet you're not a flirt b/c you don't even know that you don't have to wink, touch, make slimy innuendos in order to flirt. Flirting is an art, not an obvious come on.

And I do believe there can be harmless flirting if both people realize that it's just play and exercising skills. Like listening intently, conversing entertainingly, and making someone feel special.

It's the equivalent of the "courtly love" play done in the fifteenth century.

My lawyer,, well you are actually reading from him right now. Yeppers, you guessed it, i don't have an attorney. With the PPO served against me, Legal Aide refused to help, I'm now considered an criminal.

Flirting, all i know was that when we were out and about together, all i was was like giddy. But thats basically my personality to begin with. Unless I'm around people for the first time, then I'm actuially Mr Shy. After i get to know someone, then i can relax, and be me, yes just simply a nice person. I don't look for the bad in anybody, i just carry on, and try to make people laugh, because i think life is too dang short, to be so dang serious all the time!!
It's really all harmless! Its never in any sexual way!

As for a wacked out friend, before W moved out, she stated how her and her friend, was going to strap mattress on their backs, and I really can't remember what all she said about this. But she also told me she didn't like men that same day. This friend, is a single lady, and I know they still talk, cuz every once in awhile W will mention something about her. My W has since quit her job, and moved to another town.

I have another question for you,,

Okay, what's the question?

first I'll attenpt to explain the situation briefly.

W phoned this morning, informing me she had to go to work today, and had other errands to run. Asked if I had plans, that she would be interrupting,, My reply was that its ok, that if i had plans that they are flexible, and they're open. I asked if she would rather wait til next week-end to have her visitation.
She became upset with me cuz I didn't answer her question, if I had plans. She asked me twice about my plans. Finally the third time she said *ok, let me ask you this way, do you have plans?* So I said yes, but i can work around them, for you. I was trying to show her, that she was more important than my plans, (seeing the children, especially) anyhow, we agreed on her being here at 6p.m. to pick up the children,,,
(she actually came at 5p.m.)
I have been leaving when she gets here,, for whatever reasons, moments ago i realized i was caught off gaurd. I stayed here, and she was here for an hour.
I want to know if the way I choose to answer, is truly a problem? Or wrong?

The reason I ask, is she has always accused me of being controlling. Couldn't this be a form of controlling?
I thought i was answering her question, it just feels as though my answers are refused,,,

I told her today, that I was leaving town for the night, *if* i wasn't here tomorrow when she returns the children, don't panic, I'm planning on being back at 4, so to be sure to be here by 6p.m.. Thats when she's suppose to return our children. So she said she would have them here at 4 now, and commented something about me leaving town, and no one knowing how or where to get ahold of me. Our daughter started asking where i was going, and with who(she's 5) W said you tell him,.

Maybe I'm the worse communicator,,do you see a problem with the way i answered? If I was to answer your question like that, would you become bothered at me?

Thank you,
Steven

Stephan, why did you hedge? I know you thought you'd answered the question, but you didn't quite.

And I don't see that either of you is being controlling. I personally hate that word. It gets thrown around all the time to make the other person out as some evil force.

So to answer your question I would have been irritated. But it also wouldn't have been too big a deal. And you should never go anywhere without leaving a number. What if something happened to one of the kids?

Okay, I'll get off my mommy box.

Why don't you ask an honest, trusted friend about some of this? Someone who's seen you and spent time with both you and your wife. Ask if you flirt and if you're controlling. Check your reality against what others see just to make sure your own personal bias isn't blinding you and leaving you vulnerable.

Just my two cents.

greenables
sorry for the hedge. Is this beating the bush?
If so, my only intentions were so she would *feel* that I was being flexible, and willing to work with her, or around her plans. Basically that I was open.

I have asked others how they have percieved me. Not one has seen me as, or felt as if i was flirting with them.
Controlling, no one has seen this as well. I will say that no one really knows what goes on behind doors. I know I'm not a controlling person!
With controlling, I asked her if she could include me in her spendings, I've asked questions about her nights events at work,, I have took money feom her pockets,(left notes) she was under the impresion that I wanted her here with no money, and no transportation. Yet, for the most part, we always had two vehicles!?
I too hate that word controlling, especially now!!!

The only controlling I'am, is to the point where i just wanted to be involved, and or informed, of the usual issues. It really doesn't add up, due to the fact she has always went here and or there, especially when I was at work,,,even times on week-ends, when we were both here.

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

<small>[ October 05, 2003, 10:02 AM: Message edited by: Stephan ]</small>

Turn around everything,, often I thought she was an expert, lately I'm convinced!!

She used to tell me she never knew what fighting/arguing was until she met me! I gave the benefit of the doupt, adding that maybe she had a gift.

A few months ago she wanted me and my first son to move out, saying that if we did, then she might re-consider working on our marriage.
Eventually i started packing. WHile I was packing i came across a journal of her started in 1988, ended in 1996, two years before we met. It contained something about how and when she learned how to turn things around!! And spoke of her past relationships fights/arguing! I was packing her belongings though, not mine.
Her first marriage ended, she became involved with another guy. When she was with her first daughters dad, she use to pour milk down the drain, excuse to go town call and make arrangements to meet her lover again,, she would push her daughter, aged two then, in the winter in her stroller to the phone booth to call, yeppers, her lover! WHile she was still involved with her current relationship!
I'm maybe her 15th relationship, yes I wonder who she left me for. Each and everyone past, that has been the case!
I believe in the *open heart policy*
yes, i love my wife!! ??

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