I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this question. My husband says he wants a divorce and 'knows' he will not change his mind before our legal separation ends so maybe I should post under 'divorcing'?

He says he and his girlfriend broke up for good about 3 weeks ago. As far as we can tell it's true as he is almost always available by phone now (used to turn cell phone off whenever with girlfriend and was only at his apartment nights she broke up with him - very frequently near end).
Other indicators they really are broke up: lots more of his clothes, books, etc. in his apartment now (stuff he used to keep at her place we presume), he no longer has to check in with her by cell phone during our daughters' visitation with him, has LOTS of time to spend with us (sometimes he comes over 5 days per week), straying from crash dieting and excessive exercise routine he needed to keep girlfriend half his age, at his apartment if we call mornings and evenings.

BUT, still insists he doesn't love me and wants divorce. Sometimes he acts friendly towards me (calls me honey or hugs me supposedly just because of 'habit' or 'kids expect him to'... invites me to go along for day on visitation) but then suddenly puts up a wall of coldness again, tries to start arguments, and avoids spending time with me.

So my question is, how long after the end of the affair is it (on average) before a straying husband will want to consider reconciliation?
I don't know if he still has any contact with her. But even if he does it seems there's not much chance they'll get back together this time. As far as I can tell the break-up was not mutual - he wanted to try to keep her but she said no because she didn't want to share his time with his daughters (let alone me). They had been feuding and breaking up a lot for the past few months so it seemed a permanent break-up was just a matter of time. He was really broken-hearted when they broke up, and angry (at me?). He might even still be hoping and scheming some way to get her back.

But assuming he can't convince her, I'm wondering how long it might take for him to get over her? And how should I interact with him meantime?

Welcome Shyness!

And sorry your here. It sounds like during your separation you were just separated but not in either Plan A or Plan B. Is this the case?

Have you tried Plan A? That would be the first step.

Plan A is well described in the Basic Concepts, Q & A and articles.

I'd say it is great that the A is over. BUT I wouldn't rush either the divorce or move home. I'll be up for another 20 minutes if you can respond about what you've read and what you've tried. Otherwise, I'll catch you tomorrow.

Hi Greeengables,

Thank you for such a prompt response!

When we started having serious problems a couple of years ago I guess I did something like a Plan A. I didn't know if he was having an affair yet but he was acting like he was having a midlife crisis (crash dieting, feeling 'trapped') and had a rapidly growing anger/violence problem. So I would ask him if anything was wrong (which he responded to as if I was accusing him). And I would assert that his angry/violent behavior was unacceptable. But I said I loved him and wanted to save our marriage - so it was like Plan A but not really because of an affair (no proof affair had started yet).

We were separated for 1.5 years (first year with a restraining order) and I consistently asserted that he had to stay away from me unless he completed anger management counseling and stopped verbal abuse over phone. During the separation he refused to cooperate with visitation arrangements to see our daughters of picking them up at mutual friends' homes - instead demanding to come to my home AND for me to even come along for visitation too! So he ended up not having much contact with his daughters during separation.
So I guess that was like Plan B but it didn't work to make him want to reconcile. In fact he claims the separation 'caused' his affair.

About half a year ago he stopped verbally abusing me over the phone and a few months ago started e-mailing me poems saying he missed us all and claiming he completed anger management (still hasn't shown me any proof though. So a few months ago he started doing things with us again on a VERY regular basis (evidently WAY too regular for girlfriend - leading to frequent break-ups). We even attempted reconciliation for one week (while he was broke up with girlfriend) but since insists he doesn't love me and no longer wants to try reconciliation. But we agreed to sign a year-long separation agreement pushing back the divorce for another year (which evidently was the final straw for the girlfriend).
One reason he agreed to delay divorce was I said I would not continue to spend time with him after divorce. So I don't know what you would call what we're doing now?

I really am uncertain about how to act around him now. For now I am being civil and open but trying to not pursue him or bring up relationship. I am asserting boundaries regarding his attempts to involve himself in discussions of my finances, where I go, whether or not I will move to another house, etc., telling him unless he wants to reconcile and/or reveal equivalent info about himself, those matters are off limits. He is exhibiting some jealous behavior (asking kids where I am if I'm not home) but am not sure if I can assume that indicates anything positive - could just be control.

I'm wanting to know if there's some way to tell, or some typical time period, for him to get over his addiction to her after their break-up? Because I am stumped as to what to do now. I'm very hesitant to do something like a real Plan B right now. I feel he needs more time to get over her and to develop attachment to us again. Plus we have a full year now before divorce can happen. So I'm trying to be patient but it's sheer torture.

OK now I think maybe I blew it.

Yesterday he told me I only stayed with him through affairs and am offering reconciliation now because I 'had to'. I found this highly offensive because even though I'm a stay-at-home-Mom it's not like I didn't have other options. And it was his way of giving me no credit whatsoever for what I've done, as if it wasn't motivated by love and forgiveness but necessity or even gold-digging? I admit it angered me and I told him his girlfriend probably had to sleep with him to get him to help pay her rent and car payment - but I didn't have to because he's legally required to support me and our children. Then I told him he could just start picking up and droppign off the kids out front - that I wouldn't allow him in the house or go along on visitation anymore.

So this morning he called and invoted ALL of us to dinner Wednesday night. I asked WHY he was inviting me along but he wouldn't answer. So I told him I thought it was only to give me hope again just so he could dump me again - liek he's toying with me. I also said he owed me an apology for what he'd said about my motive for staying with him. He wouldn't talk about that either.

And then he said he makes sure he 'stays hot about' the restraining order, makes sure he keeps hating me, to make sure we won't reconcile!

So why did he ask me to dinner then?!?

None of us want to go to dinner with him tomorrow. I don't interfere with the kids' visitation - the separation agreement gives the kids control over it (by my request). I don't try to force or to prevent them from seeing him. He blames me when they don't want to see him but the kids have told him repeatedly it's their choice and sometimes even try to explain to him their reasons which he ignores and still blames me anyway. Sometimes they spend time with him but other times they don't want to - I stay out of it and honestly usually have no idea who is planning on going along when he shows up.

Anyway, I'm wondering if his goal was to anger me enough to tell him to stay away from me? So then it's easier for him to keep his distance right when he was most vulnerable and struggling to keep up the wall? And I played right into it? But what about inviting me to dinner? That seems more like a scheme of keeping me around so he can take more revenge. Could it be he's so undecided he could actually be doing both?!?

I hate this junior-high-dating-mind-game junk. Right now I feel he's just way too immature for me anyway and I should just dump him for good. I'm VERY tempted to just tell him not to worry about having to try to hate me so we'll never reconcile - that I'll make it easy for him by flat out telling him I withdraw my offer and will not reconcile with him now no matter what. But that's probably exactly what he wants me to do and he can blame it all on me of course.

I think I'd better just not call him or answer his calls for at least a week while I figure out what to do now. And if the kids want to see him I should stick to not letting him come in - just pick up out front and I won't go along with them. I seriously think it's time to give him the go to family counseling with us or get lost ultimatum, maybe even trying another family confrontation thing (has never worked yet - he just says "I don't have to listen to this" and walks out) All of us (kids and I) have felt like doing a tough love or Plan B at different times in the past few months but unfortunately not all at the same time or for very long. And the year and a half separation before that didn't work either.

In all honesty I think his goal is to keep us in his life as much as he wants and needs us - but always at a 'safe' distance and never meeting our needs, plus taking opportunites to hurt us and get even too. I've been suspecting this all along but had hoped with spending time with us he'd soften up and his wall would eventually break down. He admits he has to struggle to keep it up so I feel encouraged by that at least. But on days like today and yesterday I get so disgusted with him I think I blow it.