I have been away from the site for almost a month now. When I was here before it was because I wanted to find a way to restore my marriage. Just a brief background on my M and my H. I was married 13 years, H was physically abusive the first 7 years and verbally and emotionally abusive the whole time. I left him once after the physical abuse, but returned because he begged me for a second chance. It was ok for awhile, but things went downhill again. I've known probably my entire marriage that it wouldn't work, but I tried and gave 110% of myself toward making it work, with very little in return. My H never worked. He did "side jobs" here and there, and he held 2 "real jobs" that neither lasted more than 2 years. I was the primary breadwinner, going to school full time to become a nurse, and working full time, while at the same time taking in his nephew who had Cystic Fibrosis and whom I now call my son. My H had little respect for me. He called me names constantly even in front of friends and family, and would brag constantly about his conquests. I know of 2 PA's that he's had and I believe there to be more that I don't know of. Anyway, I left him a little over 3 months ago. And the day I left he began seeing some one else. I begged, and cried, and pleaded and screamed and tried plan A and tried plan B, but he still would not take me back.

Here's where it gets sticky. I prayed constanly to God to show me his will in my M and my life. I prayed that if my M was not to work out and if there was some one out there who was the one for me, to please put that person before me so that I could move on with my life and be happy again. I should tell you that I fell into a deep depression over my separation from my H. I had to be put on antidepressants and antianxiety meds and I was seeing an IC. Well, it was only 2 weeks when I met the OM after leaving my H. Only the OM was married at the time. I had strong feelings for him from the moment I met him, but refused to act upon them because he is married, and I knew how I felt being the BS and vowed I would never do that to another woman. About a month later, I met up with OM again...he is my brother-in-law's best friend. Again...nothing happened..just talked with him with my sister and her husband and my S there. No flirting, nothing that was anything but simple converstation. But I will admit there was a strong attraction there. And deep in my heart I wished that this man wasn't married because he seemed like such a good man. The very next day, I found out his wife told him she wanted a divorce. I won't go into the details of why because it really is irrelevant. The OM tried everything to appease her and make his marriage work, until she kicked him out and said she was filing for divorce. He left and that night we got together by his choice. I repeatedly asked him if he was sure he knew what he was doing, because 1. I didn't want to get caught up in the middle of his problems, and 2. my heart couldn't take being hurt again.

I must tell you that we fell in love immediately. We are so compatable. I love everything about him and I truely believe that he is the answer to my prayers. Every quality that I had given my "Mr. Right" he held. We talked about moving in together when our divorces were complete, and we talked about marriage and children. We spent the last 3 weeks inseperable and he told me I was the best thing to ever happen to him. I know without a doubt that he is my soul mate. That I have been waiting my whole life for him. And he says he feels that way about me.

But there is always a roadblock to happiness in my life, and here is what it is now. The OM is a Christian, as am I. He was feeling terrible about our relationship from a religious standpoint and went to see his pastor. In the mean time he told his wife about me and that he is in love with me. She was begging him to come home and that she was sorry and wanted a second
chance. Well, apparently, the pastor and she convinced him that reconcilitation was the right road to take. So, he's gone back to his wife. But he doesn't think it's going to work out, but he refuses to ask me to wait. In fact, he didn't even tell me he was going back, even when I asked him, he told me no that he was going to work on his divorce and didn't want to drag me through the mud with him, because his wife was going to make it very hard on him. But, something inside me told me that wasn't true. So, I drove an hour and a half to his apartment with her, and sure enough, his truck was there.

I am so heartbroken again. I understand why he went back. I respect and admire his faith in God and his need to do the right thing. He told me that being with her feels wrong but in God's eyes it's right, and that being with me feels right, but in God's eyes it's wrong. He told me he would be honest with me, but he hasn't. He told me he loves me and wants to be with me, but that he needed time to figure this out in his own heart. He said he doesn't want me to think that he is rejecting me, or that he doesn't waht to be with me, or that he doesn't love me, because he says he loves me very much. And he said that the 3 weeks he spent with me was the happiest he's ever been, even more than the 8 years he was with his wife.

My sister and brother-in-law think that this is temporary. That he just feels like he has to give his wife one more chance. But the know her and they know him, and they don't think this will last more than a couple weeks if that. I don't know what to think. I believe in the word of God. I know he is doing the right thing Biblically. But I also don't believe that God wants us to compromise our happiness or ourselves. I thinks sometimes we have to follow our hearts, and in my heart I know that the OM is God's answer to my prayers. I can only hope that the OM will see that too. Well, I think he already does, but he's afraid to act on it. I don't think God would hold it against him if he tries to work on his M and it doesn't work and he comes back to me. I don't think God works that way. I think he wants all His children to be happy.

I just don't know....I am so hurt and so confused and yet I understand completely what he is doing, and I admire him for being so strong and not giving into temptation. It makes me love him more. But it is killing me inside. He told me he didn't think it would work out with him and his W because now he would be comparing her to me. And he told me I've ruined him against all other women for the same reason. And I understand that because he's ruined me against all other men. No one could ever compare to the love and tenderness he showed me. And my H is now wanting me back and begging my forgiveness, and I just can't go back. I really believe my future lies with the OM.

Am I crazy? Am I way off base here? Am I being selfish? How can something so right be wrong? Please, please, please I need some good advice here! I'm beginning to feel as if my heart will always be broken and that I am not supposed to ever be happy. And if that is the case, I can honestly say that God at least blessed me with 3 wonderful weeks of happiness that I will never forget for the rest of my life.

HD,

I'm sorry for your pain. And I wish I could lighten it by what I'm going to say. However, I fear I'm going to sound harsh.

You and this OM were both hurting and on the rebound. Who knows if you would really work out in the long run? Three weeks makes for an intense affair (in the non-extramartial sense), not a relationship.

You may want to talk to your pastor about the advisability of praying for God to bring another man into your life before you decide what to do about your husband. To me, that's not something God would do, but it opening the door for his opponent.

The very desperation that makes you want to have a new man immediately could drive you into the arms of another bad man.

If you haven't told everything you posted here to your IC, do so at your next session.

Meanwhile, do not go back to your abusive husband. And even if he finds someone else to beat up and berate, don't cry and beg him to talk you back.

Say this every day, "I'm a STRONG, INDEPENDENT woman. I CAN handle this. I WILL be okay." And then just handle it one step at a time.

Loneliness is bad but it sure beats men that use us and/or abuse us.

And for what it's worth, I'd cut bait with you on the OM. As a strong healthy person you don't want a man who runs to another woman the first night out of his own home.

I know you want him now. But think long term here.

As a PS, I know God will light your path and steer you in the right direction. Just don't try to force his hand. He knows far better than you or I if another man, a lightening bolt or a good movie is the best way to give you that direction.

I am sorry for your marriage...

Do you really think that this is God answering your prayers???

Do you really think that God is going to pull two marriages apart to appease your momentary happiness?

It doesn't sound at ALL that your heart is with God. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I also don't believe that God wants us to compromise our happiness or ourselves. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God isn't interested in what YOU think will make you happy. He is interested in what he KNOWS will make you happy. Anything less is your choice to walk in darkness.

Really think about what you are writing... you have been SEPARATED for what... a couple months. You have been involved with a married man, who is TRYING to reconcile with his wife. He cannot do what he needs to do with you sitting in the wings. Of course you felt wonderful for the few weeks you were together. You were living what everyone does at the beginning of a relationship. What you lived at the beginning of your marriage. What he lived at the beginning of his marriage. If it started out crappy, we would never have continued.

deeplyhurting... I feel for you. This is a common occurance where it is so easy to run out and 'find' someone else. It is so much easier than working on what caused the problems with your marriage. It is so much easier than trying to fix YOUR marriage. Choosing someone who is ALSO married is NOT the norm, but is not unheard.

You really need to stop this relationship. It will only bring you significant pain, and I absolutely DO NOT believe that God has brought this man to you. This flys in the face of what God repeatedly speaks of in the Bible. If you are Christian, then you must walk a Christian life. It says NOTHING in the Bible that you should be happy at all costs. Such as tearing up a family...

Seek yourself... work on yourself... figure out what is up with your marriage. IF it is over, then make it over... divorce and rebuild yourself. You are acting an 'adultress' both from within your own marriage and from within his. THAT is definitely NOT in God's plan... but whose plan DOES that come from? Yes, perhaps someone has brought this man into your life at this time, but it sounds much more like Satan has a hand in it than God. We must constantly fight the hand of Satan, and if you were looking at this from the outside rather than inside, you would easily see what is occurring. I understand how difficult it is to see... but it is there.

Print off your post and reread it in a year... I bet you will be surprised by what you hear yourself saying.

I don't mean to be harsh... I am trying actually to be loving. But that doesn't mean that I want to be coddling. God wants you to be happy within HIS plan... not your own.

Take care and God bless.

Thank you both for your replies. I appreciate your views. However, I do not for one second believe that the OM was put into my life by Satan. And I have stood back and tried to see this from the outside. I realize that I was sinning by being with OM. We both talked about what we were doing and we both knew it was wrong, but we both fell completely in love. He asked me to marry him when our divorces were complete. I just refuse to think that what we had was evil. What if his M to his W is a mistake? What if my M was a mistake? What if he is the one I am supposed to be with? My M is over...that is without a doubt. My H and I have talked and we get along very well with each other, but I have told him that it is over and I've filed the papers already. Do I think that what I had with OM was rebound love? NO NO NO! What I didn't make clear in my first post was that although I prayed for God to put someone before me, I really had no intentions of finding someone else. I really was trying hard to reconcile my marriage. I think my prayer was really one of desperation because the pain of my H's infidelity was so intense. And I truely believed at that time that I was doing the right thing by trying to restore my M. But when OM came into my life, I tried to ignore the little coincidences between our lives, I tried desperately to ignore the feelings that were stirring within me. When I heard that he and his W were having problems I prayed for their marriage to stay strong. I prayed for guidance on what to do about what I was feeling. When his W kicked him out and he truely thought his M was over, he came to me. We tried very hard not to let it escalate. We had intentions only of getting to know each other, but it didn't take long for both of us to fall in love. We both had felt that we had given all we could to our M's and that if we were to have anything left of ourselves to give to someone else, that we had to get out. OM didn't expect his W to beg him to come home. To beg for a second chance. And being a Christian, he is now giving her that chance. Even though his heart aches for me, and even though he loves me, he feels in order to be right with God, he needs to do this. As for me waiting in the wings, I am not. I told him I respected his decision, even if it hurts me. I told him that I hope for his happiness that his M will work out. I told him I will back off and let him do what he needs to do. I told him that I will not wait for him, but that if it doesn't work out, he can call me. But only if he is sure it's over and the divorce is under way. But I made it very clear that I won't put my life on hold for him, even though I love him with all my heart.
What I am going to do now is something that I have talked about for a long time but never did. I am going back to school to get my bachelor's degree in nursing. And eventually go on to become a nurse anesthesist. It should take me about 4 1/2 years to complete, but at least it will fill in some time for me and keep me busy.
Again, thank you for your replies. It does help to have a different perspective on things. I will continue to seek God's will, and seek the answers within His word.

Deeply,

Most of what you said was fog-speak. Don't worry about it if you are getting divorced. Everyone who falls in love speaks it. It's that initial euphoria.

But I can't tell you how pleased I was to hear that you're going back to school like you always said you would. That's a big and important step.

Many congratulations on school. It's essential because...

In the end, we are ourselves.